Lord, save me from myself

For those who have been following my blog for a while, this post has been a long time coming. And I'm afraid that it may be quite anti-climactic. After it first sounds entirely too overdramatic. I guess even I can't escape drama.

Back in the middle of December, I had a few days that really weirded me out. I had no idea what was going on at first. But I was an emotional wreck. And that's unusual for me. Yes, I do tend to cry a lot, but there is a difference between emotional crying and the crying I tend to do. I was doing much more than just crying at that point in time. It wouldn't have been quite so strange if I had just known why it was happening. I can accept being emotional if there is a justifiable reason for being so. But as far as I could tell, I seemed to myself like I was feeling fine internally. But I was acting like someone had died. I did all kinds of soul-searching and praying and I just couldn't figure it out. I thought I was losing it.

But after a few days, I realized what was going on, or rather, God made it clear to me.

Most of my crazy emotionality had been manifesting itself while I was listening to downhere's album Ending Is Beginning. A rational person might say, "Well, if listening to it is making you go all crazy, then just don't listen to it." 1.) I wasn't in a very rational frame of mind. 2.) I was too curious. I had to know what was going on. Why, after having listened to it for months, was it making me crazy all of a sudden? So I kept listening to it. And I kept acting all insane.

But like I said, God finally made some things clear. He was trying to tell me something. And for whatever reason, the message just didn't make it through to my conscious mind immediately. Maybe I was suppressing it. I don't know, really. But I think I was getting it subconsciously, and that's why I was acting all weird. Because once I realized what he was trying to say to me, I finally had a reason to freak out and an explanation as to why I was freaking out. But surprisingly enough, I stopped freaking out after that. On the outside, at least. I started freaking out on the inside. And that's what I usually do. There's a raging ocean of turmoil inside, and I'm as cool as a cucumber on the surface.

So...what God was telling me was, "I want you to sing, Emily." And what he meant by that was not just in the car, or at home, or when I'm walking around Wal-Mart, or occasionally at church and special events. I already have that covered quite well. No, he was saying that he wants that be "what I do with my life."

Now, I'm not opposed at all to the idea of my life being all about music. It already kinda is, because I spend so much time poring myself into music and thinking about music and I sing almost incessantly. But there was, and still is, so much unknown and fear gripped me. Tightly. Not to mention some confusion.

First of all, I was a music major when I started college. I felt firmly like that was what I was supposed to do. And I loved it. My first year of college was one of the toughest years of my life, but I still loved what I was doing. I made it through that year, barely holding up, but I made it. And then God said, "Okay, you're not supposed to do that anymore." "What? What happened? I thought you said......and I was learning so much. I love what I'm doing. Why? And on top of that, what else am I supposed to do? You and music are like it for me. And I don't think you're telling me to go to seminary or something like that. So if I don't do music, what am I going to do?" "Change your major to English." "English? Okay. Why English? Do you want me be a teacher....no....alright.......English, you're sure......okay....but why?"

I'm still asking why. But I did it. But before I did it, he told me take a year off of school. Or forced me, rather. I wasn't going to, but he kinda fixed circumstances to where I had no choice. And looking back at it now, I think the biggest reason for that was for me to recover. Like I said before, my first year of college was the toughest year of my life. Very little of it had to do with school. But having the added pressure of going to school and trying to not fail all of my classes was not helping matters at all. And he knew that I didn't need to jump right back in. I needed that year to regroup. And gain some perspective. Oh, perspective.

So last fall, I went back to school. As an English major. And a music minor. And I was excited! I'm one of those total geeks that loves school and loves to learn, and now being an English major, I was looking forward to lots of reading and writing. Those are two of my favorite things to do. So even if I don't know why I'm doing it, I'm definitely going to enjoy myself in the process.

I get through the first semester, and then the erratic behavior and emotions and the new message from God. I thought in the back of my mind, "Okay, God....hey man....make up your mind." Only with God, nothing is in the back of anyone's mind so he heard me loud and clear. And I'm sure he laughed at me. But honestly, I was a music major and he told me not to do that anymore and then he goes and tells me to sing. Wasn't that what I was doing?

I was so confused. I still am if I think about it too much. But that's the trick. Just accept it and don't think about it too much. I sometimes have a hard time doing that.

And then there's the fear. It's one thing to do something you enjoy on the side. And maybe fantasize about it being more than just something on the side. But when the time comes to get serious about it, something changes. Nothing actually changes, really. It's just your view about it. My view changed. What if I can't do it? Am I really a good enough singer to do more than just sing at church on Sunday? What if I jump in and everything falls apart? What if I look like I'm irresponsible? That's a big one for me. I have what I call a responsibility complex. I sometimes harbor a grudge against responsibility. Responsibility gets to be overwhelming, and I wish it would go away. But I am usually the cause of the problem. I can't seem to quit taking on responsibility for everything. Not just the things that should be my responsibility, but things that no one ever expects me to do. And being seen as irresponsible is one of the most unacceptable things in my mind. And I fear that people will think that I'm being irresponsible. Not all people. Just a select few. I could probably name all of them right here, but that would be of absolutely no benefit. And what does it matter anyway. That's what I've had to tell myself. What God is telling me to do matters, not what a handful of people think about me.

And then comes the list of little nitpicky things that I seem to think are hugely important, and can't be overcome. Like the fact that I don't play any instrument with enough proficiency to accompany myself. Namely the piano or the guitar. If I stuck to it, I feel pretty certain that I could become a decent piano player. And I really want to. But I haven't done it yet, because I'm a busy gal and by the time I get done with school and the things that I have to do, I don't want to put that much effort into doing something else. And here's the real clincher, I've never written a song in my life. I've always thought it would be really cool to write a song, and I've always held deep admiration for song writers. But so far, I am not one of them. It's like a club of these elite people, and I stand from afar, gawking in their direction, fantasizing about how cool it must be to be them, to have written at least one song. I tried my hand at some composing in theory 2 my freshman year, and it didn't turn out so well. I was glad that our grade came from us just turning something it and not from how well we did it. My theory professor played it, in front of the whole class, and it sounded like one of the most terrible things I had heard in my life. Now, classical music is different from the kind of music that God is calling me to, and I should take into consideration the fact that I wrote that in about 24 hours, but those things would weaken my argument and here I am trying to give God reasons why I can't do it. So those things are easily ignored.

So now my questions are, "What am I supposed to sing? And how am I supposed to sing it?" And kind of as an answer to that he told me that I'm not supposed to do this thing alone. I'm cool with that. I think music is generally far better when people collaborate. "Alright. So....with whom? And when? How? Where?"

I'm still waiting on the answers to those questions. But the difference is, I have moved from constant questioning and doubt and fear and skepticism, to acceptance and surrender and faith and trust. Sometimes I have to make myself move in that direction, but at least I'm not fighting it anymore.

Now, where Ending Is Beginning falls in all of this....God was using that album to communicate to me. Every song was doing one of two things:

1. They were telling me about me. They were gently pointing at me and saying, "Hey, hear what these guys are saying...this is you," or "this is an area in which you're lacking...this is what you should be doing." It was never condescending, just a gentle slap in the face, if there is such a thing.

Or 2. They were telling me about God. About his character and the things he has done for me and promises he has made to me. And the biggest thing he was saying to me was, "You are not alone. You will not be alone. I am here. Always. End of story."

And whichever one of those two things each particular song was doing, they all were saying, "Here, this music that you are listening to, and that God is using to speak to you, this is what you are to do."

And I should have known all along, really. This shouldn't have blind-sided me like it apparently did. Reason being that I believe that God creates us all individually, exactly the way he intended, with exactly the kind of "wiring" he intended, with exactly the kinds of passions and desires and talents and skills and gifts that he intended for us to use. And my heart and mind and everything has always been wrapped up in music. I feel this deep desire on a regular basis to sing. And that's why I do it so much. And when I go for long periods of time without doing it, I'm not myself. So with this new message, God was saying, "I have given this to you and I gave it to you for you to use." So not using it is not an option. Unless I want to fight God's intentions. And I don't want to do that. It doesn't work.

And that was the root of the turmoil. I was fighting to not look at what was right in front of me. I didn't want to see it. But at the same time, I was running toward it, because I can't deny what's within me. This is what I was made to do.

Ending Is Beginning wasn't the only musical thing that helped me work through all of this. This wasn't resolved in a matter of days. From the start of the erratic behavior and emotionality to the point of acceptance and surrender was quite extended. All the rest of downhere's music played a big role during that time, and still is playing a major role. And I also started listening to Jason Gray a lot. His album All the Lovely Losers seemed to be speaking right into my situation and the things I was feeling and it provided more nudges from God and more affirmations of his character and his promises. So when you hear me talking about these people all the time, this is one of the reasons why. Not to mention the fact that they are great musicians and even greater people.

So this is where I am. I still have so many unanswered questions. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm still an English major and am busting my brains and wearing myself thin without knowing why. But the important part is that I'm here. And I'm willing. And I'm actively waiting to see what happens. And mingled with all of the uncertainty is anticipation and excitement. Because I know this is from God, and nothing from God has ever been less than exciting.

There you have it. I'm glad it's not going to take you as long to read it as it did for me to write it. And I said it was anti-climactic because with all of this I was really making a big deal out of nothing. It was just me overreacting like a simple human with her focus in the wrong place has the tendency to do. And I apologize for any and all drama. Particularly the part where I had an emotional breakdown. I would hope that anyone who reads this would know that the drama highway is not where I roll. I do my best to steer clear of it. But I guess everyone's tires slip at some point and you end up where you didn't want to be until you can make it back on the road.

Lord, save me from myself.