Business as usual.

So...............

I've graduated.

And I don't feel any different.

I don't feel like my IQ has raised 50 points. Or like I have any right to walk into miscellaneous social circles and extend some presumed authority on any given subject to persons not searching for it. Nor do I feel I've accomplished a mystical goal that only a select few individuals have the special makings to accomplish, thereby rendering me to be above all those without said specialness.

I think that's a good thing.

Thus, I feel like I'm in a good place.

I can't help but comment on the present circumstances in which I find myself, however.

From what I said above, I obviously didn't think something magical was going to happen when I graduated, nor that I would become anything more special than I already was. But I did have it in my head that in the interim between graduation and job-procuring I would do something different from what I have been doing. That the story of my life lately would change somewhat. And I suppose it has. I know it has. I haven't been writing research papers. Nor have I been forced to read an epic poem in two days. Or cram for a test. Or fight to stay awake when my eyes start feeling droopy.

But it hasn't changed as much as, or in the particular way that, I supposed it would, I guess.

I thought that I would go out and have a lot of fun with nearly everyone (within two specific states) that I've been missing for a good while, finding out where they are, when they have some free time, and directing my tires to their vicinity. I also thought that I would be spending a large amount of time leisure reading and finishing projects I've left undone for a long time.

And I've done some of that. I had two parties within a week of each other, and people that I know and love, more people than I care to tabulate, came to both of them. And I've done a fair bit of driving (so far, under 1,000 miles), catching up with long-missed friends and family at each of my destinations. I also finally finished Jane Eyre after having started it months ago, and am about to finish another book that I began a few days ago.

But I've also been doing an awful lot of sleeping. Too much. I really wish I would stop sleeping so much. I know that I have a bad habit of not sleeping enough, but am I really so behind as to warrant this? This being going to bed early-ish, sleeping much later than I have in a long time, and going back to bed after being awake two hours and sleeping through the main part of the day. It's getting kind of old. But I can't seem to make myself stop. And I've still been doing a lot of stuff that I always do, like housecleaning, and helping my family with mundane things and emergencies alike, and working (as in not the job kind of working, but the kind that has filled the life of this person who has never had a "job," and makes her feel like she's always had a "job" and wouldn't have time or energy to ever get a real "job." Incidentally, I understand why moms everywhere decide to stay at home with their kids. I don't technically have a child, but I take care of one particular child on a regular basis, and even without him, I would have an overabundance of obligations and fodder for my to-do list).

And so the ideal that I had in my head for the month after I graduated hasn't really manifested, as is the case with most ideals. Plans that I hoped to make haven't been made, and probably won't be made. And some plans that I did make have been undone for one reason or another. I told everyone that I would be away from home for six weeks. But it looks like I unknowingly lied. I'm going to have to briefly go home next week. My family needs me. And I need them. Which means I'm not going to escape the cicadas like I hoped I would.

Speaking of the ugly nuisances, I had a small feeling when I left that I wouldn't be missing them like I intended. There was something telling me that they and I would be just as intimately acquainted as we were 13 years ago. I pushed the thought out of my mind, because I was determined that nothing would bring us back together until June was no more than a memory. I guess I know why I had that feeling now.

Relating all this back to graduation, I had this notion, I suppose I still have this notion, that after people graduate, barring extreme circumstances, they do something. One option would be to get a job. I've also heard of many people who go off on a rare vacation, like a cruise. Or Disney World. Still others go backpacking, or tour Europe, take a long road trip, travel to some place they've never been before. In my case, I was content to stay in familiar territory, and do nothing but enjoy dinner, and church, and weddings, and birthday parties, and baby sitting, and ordinary mundane life with people whom I wish were more a part of my ordinary mundane life.

Instead, I'm cooking. And cleaning. And sleeping. And helping out my immediate family, the people I live with, just like I always do.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm not complaining. I'm happy I have the ability to cook and clean. And I'm happy to have such a good relationship with my family, and to know that they feel like they can count on me to help them out when they need it. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

But life is funny. I can't help but chuckle at irony. And make comments when reality doesn't emerge as planned.

As much as I anticipated I and my life wouldn't change immediately after graduating, I guess I still didn't realize the full extent of sameness that would occur.

Countdown to G-Day.

Five days!

Today, I finished reading the last novel of my college career. The number of assignments remaining for me to complete is dwindling rapidly. In the next three days, I have two tests to take and one paper to write. That's all.

Tomorrow, I go to pick up my cap and gown.

The reality of what is going to happen on Saturday is starting to sink in. I know graduating from a university is supposed to be a grand accomplishment. I do feel a sense of accomplishment that I presume will only increase as the diploma becomes mine and the whole ceremony becomes a thing of the past. But accomplishment is one of the least emotions I feel right now. I can list a number of other things that are much more prominent in my mind and heart.

Like relief. I have three things left to do. The end of this long road is in sight. I don't know that this is what is actually going to happen, but I feel like graduating is going to give me my life back. I don't feel like my life has been entirely lost since I started this adventure five years ago, but on the whole, I feel like I sold my soul to MTSU, I have had tunnel vision since then and have only looked up for brief moments, just long enough to let people know that I'm still alive and to retain enough of myself so that I wouldn't feel completely lost. After this, I know one type of work will replace the other. I will soon face the world of jobs. In regaining my life, I know I won't be ceasing to work, spending my days loafing around. But I don't see my life anymore being so thoroughly dominated by something I both don't know exactly why I'm doing nor really really want to be doing. We shall soon see if there is any credence in my idealism.

With that relief comes excitement for what's in the future. I don't know what's in the future. What will I being doing in a year? Six months? Your guess is as good as mine. I'm eager to see whose guess is most correct.

I'm also very grateful. Graduation itself means more for future times than it does for my immediate reality. Something that's more immediately germane are the people who are and who will be celebrating this graduation and my future with me. The part of this weekend I'm looking forward to most is the social element. The people I know mean a lot to me. Some of them I don't get to see very often. I so appreciate that there are people who desire to come spend time and their own life and resources to pour into my life. I think it's crucial that life be connected to other people, and if there was anything I did that did not also involve and mean something to someone else, then there's something missing. This wouldn't mean much to me if there was no one, even if it were only one person, around who cared.

Here's to the next five days. May I relish every moment.

May 1st, 2011.

I just wrote this in my journal. It's presented here with the same formatting that I use in my journal, which is no formatting.


It's May 1st, 2011. Big news just hit the public media. Osama Bin Laden is dead and the U.S. has his body. Please, tell me I'm not the only one crying. I do not condone all of the horrors that were instigated by him. It's appalling the evil that can be traced back to one man. But he's still a man. It's natural for loss of life to be grieved. I think what saddens me more, though, is how so many people in the world have reacted. There are people celebrating in the streets. I am trying very hard to not lapse into ill-placed judgment. I do understand why people rejoice. Terrible things have happened and any triumph over a source of evil is understandably something to celebrate. But it seems to me callous to let loose with wild mirth when a person has been hunted and killed. Situations like this are so hard. This is why I'm not in the military or involved in government. I can't. Being a human, with a limited perspective and understanding, it's hard for me to imagine anyone who can with good conscience. But I know there are things I don't understand and never will. And I pray to the God who has everything confined in his hands and trust that Jesus will make truth known. We're all called to different lives. I don't discount that a step has been taken toward making the world a safer place. But right now, I really want to know that I'm not the only one sitting alone, weeping.