Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I want.....I don't know what I want.

I'm still hanging out in the grand state of Arkansas at my grandma's house.

It's been fun, but I'm starting to think about going home. I like home. I miss home.

I left my life in a mess when I left home. That's one of the reasons I'm eager to get back. To clean it up a little bit. My bedroom was turned upside down, with my furniture all over the place, my stuff strewn anywhere and everywhere, and a little too much dirt on the floor. Academically, I stumbled my way through finals, then got out of Dodge the next day and didn't look back. School is going to be starting again before I know it, and I'd like to re-organize myself and be better prepared than I was last semester.

Other than that, I'm still looking forward to some real time off. It's fun to visit family and friends and not think about reading a book or writing papers while doing so, but the only thing that counts as a real break for me is to be at home with no obligations and plenty of alone time. With only two weeks before school starts, I'm running out of opportunities.

Earlier today, I was dead set on leaving early Saturday. We could make it home before it got late(which is something we never do), and we'd be able to go to our own church the next day. (I also miss my church. Not just my house.) But then I started thinking about the people I haven't seen yet whom I dearly want to be able to spend some time with. And I started to think that I might not want to leave Saturday.

It's funny how eager I am to get home and retreat to my bedroom, and yet I'm hesitant to go just yet in favor of being social. So it goes.

So rather than just planning for when I'm headed home like I was earlier, I am now trying to see who is free when, what my brothers think about what they want to do, and then we'll see how that all works together and decide what to do about going home from there.

The content of this post is evidence of how easily my mind is swayed.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Sweet dreams.

I am growing tired of dreaming. The kind I do in my sleep, that is.

I wake up most mornings remembering a dream I just had during the night. For a time a few years ago I would write down my dreams every day. Most of them were just pretty insane, but sometimes bad things would happen. Occasionally something that could be considered good.

I still write a dream down from time to time, but there are usually several months between entries. My dreaming is still mostly insane, but along with that, it is also mostly bad. Calamity, death, murder, sickness, hatred: these are the kinds of things that have become common in my nightly dreaming.

Why is this the case? That's one of the first questions I ask myself nearly every day. At this point in my life, I regulate the things I watch, as well as everything I listen to and read and talk about, more stringently than I ever have before. And that's not to say that I ever made a habit of watching gory movies with people dying every five minutes, nor that I've become so strict that I can't watch anything that's not rated G, but I do think it's important to be conscious of and careful with what you're allowing yourself to spend your time and energy on. So I intake far fewer things than I once did that would be influencing me to think about all those things in my sleep. So again, where is this all coming from?

Whatever is causing it, I'd like for it to discontinue. Ideally, it would be nice to start dreaming about good things again, or at least anything not bad. The notorious insanity of my dreams, when it is sans calamity, was always rather entertaining. But if I can't dream without somebody dying or being hateful every night, then I would rather not dream at all.

I tend to blame my increased busyness for my lack of recording my dreams, and it is certainly a factor. But I think this is the more overwhelming reason. It gets old writing about trouble all the time, and most days I wake up and want to forget what my mind had just concocted while I was snoozing.

I am now off to further contemplate this as I get ready for bed. Here's to a dreamless night.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

"Missing you feels like a way of life."

I consistently wonder at how much I have changed in my 21 years, 7 months, and 8 days.

One of the more recent developments that I never would have imagined would be the case many years ago is how much I have grown to crave being with people. It's actually become quite bad. Lately, I've been feeling like there's something wrong all the time. Which was terribly distracting as I was trying to finish up my classes at the end of this last semester, because when I don't feel right, I can't focus on anything.

It's not just people in general whose company I am craving. (Although something else that I've noticed about myself is how much more willing I am to talk to people I don't know and how easily it comes to me.) It's certain people. People I know. Some more than others. Generally, the better relationship I have with a person, the more I feel like I want to be around them. Which makes sense. The biggest trouble with that is, I know people who live all over the place. Mainly the continental U.S. So I spend a lot of my time missing people.

Anybody who has read my blog for a while, or watched me closely during movies, or church events, or any other situation with any sentiment, can probably guess what all of this missing of people translates into. A lot of tears. A lot of quiet ones. It doesn't make me sob. Just a few leak out on various occasions.

Despite this, I am still very much the introvert. So much so that it's painful sometimes. So I don't really know how in the world I can balance these things. I can't be with people and be alone at the same time. I guess if I ever figure out how that could work, my problems will be solved.

For the time being, I'm solving (partially, because I can't be with everyone at once) the problem of missing people. I'm in Arkansas for Christmas, and will be and have already been spending time with lots of family that I don't get to see very often. And tomorrow I will be seeing my best friend as I help her and her mom and sister move. I anticipate that my car will be loaded down with boxes all day, and that I will be lifting lots of heavy things. I also anticipate that I will enjoy every minute. Who knows who else I might get to see while I'm here. There are too many people to cover all in one trip, but I hope I can see as many as possible.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Humanity

Can I be human for a minute? And not cause anyone to flip out, or think that I'm falling into a fit of depression?

I need to just talk for a little bit. Listen if you will.

I am tired. Like really. But not as tired as I was a few days ago. My classes have ended, and these last few days have done wonders for my well-being. But I'm still tired. And I still have finals this week. I have no focus. I can't think. Every time I try to use my brain, I fall asleep. It's frustrating. Yet, no matter how hard it is to stay awake during the day, I still manage to come alive after it gets dark outside, and stay awake long enough to usher in the next day. I like the sun. So why do I never seem to be alive enough to appreciate it while I can see it?

Speaking of not having focus or the ability to think, doing my homework has been a monumental chore. Sleeping when you're supposed to be working is not ideal. It is one of the many factors that led to me consistently doing my homework the night before, cramming for a quiz out in the hallway right before class, focusing in on a speech topic and writing that speech the day before I had to give it, and the two paper writing marathons that came at the end of the semester, one of which led to my very first all-nighter.

Another contributing factor is my life otherwise. I absolutely refuse to disconnect from the world around me. Some people do that, and more power to them, but I can't. I need to draw from different areas of my life in order to gain the inspiration and motivation needed to not get burnt out in my academic ventures. Also, I can't ignore people. There are a lot of people in my life, and I feel like I neglect them too much as it is. It would be a severe betrayal of who I am to ignore everybody.

Why can't I ignore everybody? People need so much. Time, attention, assistance, care. I feel like I give and give even when there's nothing there to give. And still they need more. Why can't I say, "no?" Why do I continue pouring myself into someone's wants or needs even when I'm depleted and have a long list of my own needs that must be met now?

I have been told more than once that I seem to possess humility in larger than average amounts. People don't know what they're talking about. I have to consciously pull myself back countless times a day. Yes, maybe that person wasn't entirely nice to you, but you still need to be nice to them. And just as often, my life pushes me back for me. You see that person over there? You think you're good, but they just did that better than you. You're not all that and a bag of Wavy Lays. I feel so foolish every time this humility is forced on me, whether it's from an outside source or me forcing it on myself. And in those moments, an otherwise hard to embarrass person feels like hiding her face.

I can't handle everything. I can't handle anything. There are so many issues in my life and in others lives that need resolution. And I want them to be resolved so badly. But I can't even manage to floss my teeth every day.

I am feeling very, very human.




For once, there is no ray of light in this post. At least, not up to this point. It's there, and no matter how it may sound, I am not defeated or discouraged. I don't normally complain, because I don't normally feel all of this so strongly. But as I have indicated, I am human. And I need to unload junk sometimes and not feel like I have to close up with a tidy encouraging word of the day. I can see the encouragement. I know it's there. God and his Word have not left, and Truth still stands. But I can't reach for them. They're going to have to reach for me.

Thank you, God, that you reach for me.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

To know and be made known.

Consider this a follow up to my last post. I was thinking about this when I was writing the last one, and but I felt it should be separate.

I find much joy in being able to say that I know people. Even if I've only met them one time and talked to them for about half a minute, or even if they're that person I see in class three times a week, whose name I know, and backpack I recognize, and yet never speak to, I still get some sort of thrill, even if it's a tiny one, from the fact that I know that person. And it comes out especially when I see them in an environment in which I'm not accustomed to seeing them, or if I ever hear someone talking about them. I think, "Hey! I know that person!"

Being known by someone is also rather exciting. It's nice to be able to walk up to a person and not have to explain who you are. They know already, so you can move on to other things.

If given the choice between the two, though, I'd rather know someone.

But to know someone means that they have to know you. At least to a degree. And how well you know a person will largely depend on how well they know you. Usually.

That's what relationships are, a mutual knowing.

I struggle with this. Like I said, I'd rather know people. And I relish every moment spent getting to know someone. I lap up information about a person as if to quench a deep thirst. And not just factual information, but also the look they get on their face when they're concentrating, or the tone their voice takes when they're nervous. But to let someone know me is more difficult. I don't know why, because I honestly don't try to foster a habit of keeping myself secret from other people. But it seems like I so consistently manage to leave people with the impression that I'm cryptic and trying to hide things. And thus I get in the way of being able to know someone better, because I won't let them know me better.

And this is another reason that Jesus is my greatest friend, because he knows me better than I could never know myself. So I am free to get to know him more and more every day.

Friday, December 4, 2009

What a friend I've found.

My mood today has been a reflective one. Among other things, but that's been one of the overwhelming ones.

I've been thinking a lot about relationships today. Mainly about my own, but also about relationships in general, as well as some specific ones that have nothing to with me. Friendships have been the focus of my relationship musings. As well as some that I don't know that I would classify as friendships, but it's more than the relationship you might have with the person who sits next to you in class three times a week that you know...kinda...but you never talk to. It hasn't quite reached friendship status, but it's a relationship that has a deep love at the center. I don't know what to call it...or how to describe it adequately.

My reflections today led to another incredibly sappy moment. I really can't think of a day in the recent past that has not contained at least one sappy moment, so I wouldn't know what to think of myself if I didn't feel sappy at least once a day, but this one was higher on the scale than usual. I was sitting in my car this morning before class. I had gotten there a little early, and decided to let the CD I was listening to finish out. I was listening to downhere's How Many Kings: Song For Christmas. I got to hear them perform several songs from that album last night, and so listening to that music made the memories even more fresh. It was a great night last night. It was on the next to the last song when I parked the car. And that song is such a great representation of them as a band. Their attitudes, and senses of humor. And so it was making me smile. And then the last song came on, and I started crying before the first 2 seconds could pass. It's really pretty, and I think it showcases their talent. But that's not really why I was crying so much.

That song is about Jesus. And out of all the friendships I have, his is the greatest one. And he is the reason I have all of the other great friendships that I do. The love I was feeling in that moment was so overwhelming. And so I was sitting in a car, in the middle of a huge parking lot at MTSU, at 8:30 in the morning, crying. Most people don't cry that early in the day, because the day hasn't gone on long enough for it to be awful. But that's the thing with me. More often, the reason I cry is because I'm happy. Rather than because I feel awful.

Today has been a very happy day.