Humanity

Can I be human for a minute? And not cause anyone to flip out, or think that I'm falling into a fit of depression?

I need to just talk for a little bit. Listen if you will.

I am tired. Like really. But not as tired as I was a few days ago. My classes have ended, and these last few days have done wonders for my well-being. But I'm still tired. And I still have finals this week. I have no focus. I can't think. Every time I try to use my brain, I fall asleep. It's frustrating. Yet, no matter how hard it is to stay awake during the day, I still manage to come alive after it gets dark outside, and stay awake long enough to usher in the next day. I like the sun. So why do I never seem to be alive enough to appreciate it while I can see it?

Speaking of not having focus or the ability to think, doing my homework has been a monumental chore. Sleeping when you're supposed to be working is not ideal. It is one of the many factors that led to me consistently doing my homework the night before, cramming for a quiz out in the hallway right before class, focusing in on a speech topic and writing that speech the day before I had to give it, and the two paper writing marathons that came at the end of the semester, one of which led to my very first all-nighter.

Another contributing factor is my life otherwise. I absolutely refuse to disconnect from the world around me. Some people do that, and more power to them, but I can't. I need to draw from different areas of my life in order to gain the inspiration and motivation needed to not get burnt out in my academic ventures. Also, I can't ignore people. There are a lot of people in my life, and I feel like I neglect them too much as it is. It would be a severe betrayal of who I am to ignore everybody.

Why can't I ignore everybody? People need so much. Time, attention, assistance, care. I feel like I give and give even when there's nothing there to give. And still they need more. Why can't I say, "no?" Why do I continue pouring myself into someone's wants or needs even when I'm depleted and have a long list of my own needs that must be met now?

I have been told more than once that I seem to possess humility in larger than average amounts. People don't know what they're talking about. I have to consciously pull myself back countless times a day. Yes, maybe that person wasn't entirely nice to you, but you still need to be nice to them. And just as often, my life pushes me back for me. You see that person over there? You think you're good, but they just did that better than you. You're not all that and a bag of Wavy Lays. I feel so foolish every time this humility is forced on me, whether it's from an outside source or me forcing it on myself. And in those moments, an otherwise hard to embarrass person feels like hiding her face.

I can't handle everything. I can't handle anything. There are so many issues in my life and in others lives that need resolution. And I want them to be resolved so badly. But I can't even manage to floss my teeth every day.

I am feeling very, very human.




For once, there is no ray of light in this post. At least, not up to this point. It's there, and no matter how it may sound, I am not defeated or discouraged. I don't normally complain, because I don't normally feel all of this so strongly. But as I have indicated, I am human. And I need to unload junk sometimes and not feel like I have to close up with a tidy encouraging word of the day. I can see the encouragement. I know it's there. God and his Word have not left, and Truth still stands. But I can't reach for them. They're going to have to reach for me.

Thank you, God, that you reach for me.