Northeastern Dopplegangers

There is a story I'd like to share with you fine blog readers, because it makes me excited.

As I am currently without a way to use an iPod in the car, and I only have so much room for CDs, I turn to the radio more often than I would if a greater portion of my music collection for available to me while driving. However, there are often many things I'm not interested in hearing on the radio. How do I fight to quell this quandary? I play Radio Roulette. It doesn't always prove fruitful, but generally my efforts are rather successful.

I took a short night time drive tonight, and as I always feel more adventurous in the night, my desire to play Radio Roulette was increased. So I did.

I punched through a couple of stations, stopping on them long enough to determine that I didn't want to listen to what they were broadcasting, then stopped on a bluegrass song. I don't make a habit of listening to bluegrass every day, but it holds a warm place in my heart. And this particular song caught my attention because they were singing about Greene County, Arkansas. (And I soon came to find out that the song was called "Greene County, Arkansas.") These guys were singing about my homestate. Granted, I had no idea where Greene County is located (or if there really is a Greene County.....apparently my study of Arkansas History didn't stay with me), but this song seemed to deserve my attention. Most bluegrass songs are about Kentucky or Tennessee. This was a rare gem.

I listened to what remained of the song. It was good. Then the radio show host announced the title of the song and said it was performed by a man, his wife and two children by the name of "Harmon." Really? Harmons from Arkansas? And music-making ones at that! (As an aside, after I got home, my friend Google told me not only where Greene County was, but also informed me that there is a Harmon Park in Greene County. !!)

My first thought: "This is too wild. And hitting awfully close to home. In more ways than one. My family's from Arkansas. And my mom, dad, brother and I (either all four or some combination of two or three of us) have played/performed together a lot." My second thought: "We could be related!" (Which really wouldn't surprise me, because I'm convinced I'm related to at least half of the state.)

If that wasn't crazy enough, the content of the song was something I relate to (which doesn't always happen with bluegrass/country music. Especially bluegrass. I was born and raised in the South, but I've never lived on a farm. Or driven a tractor. And I don't eat fried chicken or cornbread. I'm really not the greatest Southerner.) The song was a part of a show on NPR about the rich music of Detroit. This particular section of the show was talking about Southerners who moved up there to work in the automobile industry. The point of this "Greene County, Arkansas" was that the storytellers had moved away to Detroit and, after working there for years, had changed to the point that they didn't think they could go back and live in Greene County anymore. They still loved it, though, so they also sang about the certain grief it brought them to no longer fit in.

I've often wondered if I could go back to live in Arkansas again. Full-time, that is. Anyone who knows me fairly well knows I still spend a lot of time there, to the point that it's almost like I live there part-time. I don't want that to change. And I still call it "home," but technically my "home" is in Tennessee. And it has been in Tennessee for more years than it's been in Arkansas, despite the latter being the place of my birth.

It's because I spend so much time there that I wonder how I would fit again. If I didn't go back there often, and every visit I made was just a happy one with dear people that I miss more than any of the other treasured relations I have all over the place, why wouldn't I think moving back would be great? I'd only be there for a short while, and being with those people I miss so deeply would feel so right. That rightness would be so overwhelming I'd be blind to anything else. How do I know this? Because that's still the way I feel every time I'm in close range of these certain people. If they're all I'm thinking about, then the answer is clear: of course I could fit here again.

But I see those people fairly often. Not nearly often enough, but enough to not feel like strangers. I keep up with them enough to know generally about all of their important life events and even a fair number of mundane ones. And beyond those people, I, the person I am right now, know what it's like to live in their towns. To shop in their grocery stores. To interact with their neighbors. I know the rhythm of the city (metaphorically speaking, because there are few places in Arkansas that could remotely be called a "city." You're doing good if you can be called a "town." For those who don't know, I'm from one of the towns, a place where all kinds of people within a certain mile radius come to shop and find something interesting to do. Which always made me feel kind of like a city slicker........and now I live in a place with double the population......). And I'm not sure if that rhythm jives with mine anymore.

In certain sections it does. Like it or not (and I genuinely do like it), Arkansas is in my blood. There's a familiarity with that great state which will never leave. There are certain philosophies I hold and habits I have developed which can only be contributed to the time I have lived there. But while I'm there feeling those familiar feelings and rejoicing to be around people who have this one certain idea in common with me, there's another part...a larger part....that feels like a foreigner. I have a lot of ideas that most people I interact with in Arkansas don't seem to have. I've developed a growing number of habits which seem out of place when I'm back there. And I've just generally grown accustomed to spending my everyday life right here in Middle Tennessee.

So when I'm there, it's like consonance and dissonance coexisting. I'm not convinced that this isn't worse than pure dissonance. Because the blending of consonance and dissonance essentially only renders dissonance. The two don't blend and that's the definition of dissonance. What makes it worse than what I'm calling pure dissonance is that there is a part that wants to sound like it fits, like its settled, like it's lining up perfectly to make a sweet sounding tune, but it can't. There's another part there spoiling its efforts. And that spoiling makes it more sad than the tune would have been had there clearly been no attempt for a tonic chord to step in and provide resolution. Unsatisfied resolution leaves more longing than resolution never being considered.

When I'm there now, as a non-resident, I'm able to hold off the conflict long enough to get the little bit of resolution available to me. It's deeply satisfying. Then before the muddled music gets me down, I have an excuse to escape it. I can go home.

I don't have that excuse if my home is there.

Add my laments to those of the Greene County Harmons.

The effects of intending to write and not doing it.

I included this as an aside in another post, but thought it also deserved a post of its own.

Side note before I begin: I think up things that I want to write about often. I tell myself, "Maybe I'll get to that later." Which often means that I won't get to that later. This is unfortunate. But another reality in this situation is that because I think of so many things I want to write, and because the gaps between each post are so wide, I often forget what it is that I have written and what I haven't. For this reason, I often fear I'm repeating myself. I think "No, I haven't written about this. It's safe to talk about like people haven't heard this before, because they haven't heard it before." But then myself retorts with "Maybe you did write about it before. It seems like maybe you did. You should go check before you sound like a fool, repeating stories like you're a 90-year-old woman who forgets what she just said five minutes ago." (By the way, this is not meant to slight 90-year-old women who repeat themselves at frequent intervals. I find them to be quite precious. But I'm not 90 years old. I'll save that behavior for later.) Therefore, whenever I sit down to blog, I typically have to go back over my last few posts to remind myself what it is that I said. And it takes me that much longer to get around to what it is that I'm wanting to say.

And then I feel the need to explain all of this, as if anyone cares. And another 5-10 minutes of my life passes before my eyes.

The governor; or On letting go of my life and dreams of gainful employment.

Side note before I begin: I think up things that I want to write about often. I tell myself, "Maybe I'll get to that later." Which often means that I won't get to that later. This is unfortunate. But another reality in this situation is that because I think of so many things I want to write, and because the gaps between each post are so wide, I often forget what it is that I have written and what I haven't. For this reason, I often fear I'm repeating myself. I think "No, I haven't written about this. It's safe to talk about like people haven't heard this before, because they haven't heard it before." But then myself retorts with "Maybe you did write about it before. It seems like maybe you did. You should go check before you sound like a fool, repeating stories like you're a 90-year-old woman who forgets what she just said five minutes ago." (By the way, this is not meant to slight 90-year-old women who repeat themselves at frequent intervals. I find them to be quite precious. But I'm not 90 years old. I'll save that behavior for later.) Therefore, whenever I sit down to blog, I typically have to go back over my last few posts to remind myself what it is that I said. And it takes me that much longer to get around to what it is that I'm wanting to say.

And then I feel the need to explain all of this, as if anyone cares. And another 5-10 minutes of my life passes before my eyes.

I recently posted a "Scrawlin" on Facebook (as my piratical profile likes to call a "note") that highlighted a few ironies my life is currently using to make me laugh (cry/wonder why/feel confused). One of them is that I graduated a little over two months ago, am still jobless, am no closer to finding employment than I was the day I graduated, yet have been anything but idle. Nor have I just been busy for the sake of finding a way to ward off boredom. I'm sure there are probably many others in my same position, but I still find it interesting enough to comment about.

I have a theory. There are some people in the world who find work to be furthest from what they hold dear, and, in many instances, the only reason they have a job (in the formal sense of the word) is because they like food, shelter and entertainment more than they dislike work, and they haven't found someone who will provide those things for them. Then you have other people who can't call themselves living if they're not working. If they have a job, which they likely do, it's likely a demanding job, and they also are involved in other groups outside of their job, are tightly connected to their families and have active friendly social lives, which all demand the majority, if not all, of the free time they have outside of work. If they don't have a job, then those outside groups, families and friends become their full-time job. If they were to get a job, they'd make room for it. But their life is already so full that they don't need employment to fill up their time.

I'm one of the latter.

This obviously is a theory of extremes. If you find yourself thinking, "I'm not quite either one of those people," that's okay. You're in the middle. You live by the rule of moderation. I applaud you.

Moderation doesn't make sense to my brain, I guess.

Thus, if it were up to me, and if I were still a slave to my old self and not made new by Christ, I would have already had a job. I don't know what, but something. Simply because that's what a responsible, well-functioning adult does: has a job. It doesn't matter what kind of job it is. It just has to be a job.

But I'm learning, or being forced to, break out of that mindset.

Before I continue, let me make it clear that I'm not, nor will I ever, advocate irresponsibility. Nor do I promote being a leech, always demanding that someone else take care of you. Please don't be a leech. Please don't be irresponsible. I'm aware that you may sometimes, but don't make a habit of it.

What I am saying is that, as far away as I already feel I am from the "American Dream" mentality, I think God is trying to quell what of it still remains within me. I can live with a lot less than I think I can. And the things that I do need to live can often be shared. Especially at this time in my life when I'm a single person, not fully responsible for or obligated to anyone else. The only attachments I need are to people, not things. And since I don't yet have the irrevocably bonding attachments of marriage or children, I'm free to let my attachments expand to others without neglecting those of primary importance.

God is also not letting me forget that who I am is not about what I do. I am easily deceived into thinking that it is. The lie is that I can't be a complete person, a valuable person, unless I'm doing something, unless I'm performing, unless I'm being a good, respectable citizen. But the truth is I'm still a whole, valuable, loved person whether I do or I don't. And that wholeness, value and love doesn't come in degrees. That's radical thinking for an overachiever like me.

A third thing being impressed upon me is that what I do needs to be focused less on making a paycheck and more on fulfilling life, both mine and that of others. So many people in the society I'm a part of get caught up in a job and a way of life (largely determined by their job) that drains all that's good out of them and doesn't do anything edifying for anyone else. I cast no ill judgment on these people. The motivations behind going down this path are many and often thoroughly compelling. But I'm being led a different way. I think God's impressing on me to start down a different path while I can. Before I have a family that's depending on me. Before I'm living on my own and realize I can't suffer the reality of my life anymore and feel forced to start over, yet powerless to do so. I have little to nothing right now, so I'm in a perfect position to start something in my nothingness that I can work to build upon. Then, after a lot of hard work, something can come from my nothing, a system can be organized and set in working motion, and not only can what I do be enjoyable and utilize my abilities, it can be something that benefits other people while providing for my needs.

Speaking of provision, another lesson I'm confronting is that God is my provider. The end. He can choose to use a job to give me what I need. Or not. He may use a neighbor who has a little spare food and is willing to share. He may use a friend who got a bonus in their last paycheck that just happens to be enough to cover the bill for my electricity. Or he might use a stranger who drops a $20 bill from their pocket, which then falls to the ground later to be found by me. God has a good imagination. He can come up with something.

Finally, I'm learning the perils of being too disconnected from people and conversely how essential it is to have relationships. We need to share with each other. We need to help one another. We need to give to each other. If I'm cut off from people, then there will never be anyone around to give into, and therefore enrich, my life. I'll be a sad and lonely shell of who I could be. And I will never come to know what "regard others as better than yourself" means. Jesus set forth the ultimate model of service, and the more I become like him, the more I'll start reaching out to others. To the point that it's more of a compulsion and less of something I have to discipline myself to do. Opening up like this requires being vulnerable, dying to myself, allowing people to see my imperfections, which all push me to remember that I'm not all that and a bag of chips by myself; that God is where my strength, value and identity come from. Iron does indeed sharpen iron.

How are all of these lessons being conveniently placed before me at the precise moment I need to learn them? By me "conveniently" being unable to drive my car. If I was able to go anywhere, prospects would have already been scoured. Applications would have been submitted. But my proverbial hands are tied with a knot I do not possess the skill to undo. There's a lot of progression that I could have already made online, but should something have progressed so far as to demand me leave my immediate surroundings, I would have to tell people, "Thanks for asking me to do the job, but, after all that work we both put in, it looks like I won't be accepting your offer. Sorry I wasted your time and made you think that this was going somewhere when it wasn't." No thanks.

I'm learning more and more every day how much my life is not in my control. Sometimes, I think I'm going to do something, I see how it's going to happen, then it happens. But more often than not, what I think will happen doesn't. Or it does, but the way it happens is different than I predicted. I tell myself that I'm going to work at camp, then come home and get busy finding a job, but no. The pastor of the particular little portion of the Church that I have chosen to gather with every week told a story one time about how he decided to fast and get his mind off of food. He got sick. So violently sick that nothing would have stayed in his stomach had he even the gumption to try to put something in it. He needed to fast and refocus his attention on the source of his every need. God ordained that it would happen. I've needed to cool my heels and focus on the source of my existence and its meaning. God ordained that it would happen.

So I, the overachiever who considers it high treason to shirk responsibility, am not worried about the fact that I don't have a job. (Ask me again later and we'll see if I hold the same position.) I will make progress when the option to proceed is placed in front of me. This does not mean I will sit idle until then. I can't do that. That's not who I am. And that would be irresponsible. But responsibility does not lie in whether one has a job, but is rather rooted more in one's attitude toward life. I pray that with Christ's influence I will always keep the proper attitude. And I pray for grace the times I misplace it.

In an effort to be transparent, all of this that I have talked about in these many paragraphs goes completely against my innermost inclinations. Being aware of this truth and moving even further to accept it as a part of my life isn't easy. As I've said more than once, I'm an overachiever. I've also made no secret of my propensity to believe that I am what I do. But in the middle of my drive to do something, there was another little tug in the opposite direction. And it wouldn't stop. I've come to recognize that tug as the Holy Spirit. I know my own tendencies. I also know how much my own tendencies tend to either get me in trouble, or leave me with a life that's far less than what I know it can be. Finally, I know that I in myself am far from God's perfection and righteousness. So when I feel that little tug toward the other way, or hear that little voice telling me something different, I've come to assume that it's God. And I trust that his way is better then mine. It can be really scary to go the other way. There was a night recently when I felt like a blob of mess as I became aware of this truth and allowed it to make its way in to change me. And it felt kind of like a death sentence saying, "Okay, God. I'm going to let go of everything. You have it. I'll surrender myself completely to being faithful to following after you above anything else. Even above my own security. And my own sparkling reputation. My own dreams of success." In reality that's what it was: walking toward my own execution and flipping the switch myself. But the beautiful thing about Christ is that when you give up your life, he lets you have his own, and it's far better and more precious than anything that you gave away. You'll feel more like a whole person than you did before.

And I know that the complete lack of panic and surge of peace I currently feel is unmistakable evidence that "I am not who I was, I'm being remade, I am new."

On why I cried for two hours in a theater.

It's an overused metaphor, but it's appropriate for a word nerd such as myself and for the context, so I'll use it anyway: A chapter of my life has closed.

For those who didn't know, the final Harry Potter movie premiered to the general North American public today (yesterday, technically, as it's after midnight). Also for those who didn't know, I really like Harry Potter and the imagined world in which he lives. "Really like" is actually an understatement. A friend of mine was kind enough to take my poor, penniless self to go see the movie today. To employ another overused phrase, it was magical.

I've read each of the books in the series more times than I care to count. These literary incarnations of the Wizarding World have been my chief interest, as can be expected for someone with an English degree, but I have also appreciated the cinematic adaptations as well. They're not nearly as satisfying to my story-loving core, but even I will admit that there are virtues to be found in films which are not accessible in books.

As an avid reader of the original written works by J.K. Rowling, or Jo as I like to call her, I went into the theater today knowing how they story would end; knowing what each dramatic, climactic moment would be; knowing which characters would live and which would die; knowing who would triumph in the end. And despite all of that foreknowledge, I was still just as deeply touched by the truth in the story.

That is why I have been so attached to these stories: truth. Real, potent truth. Not something watered down to the point that it's lost all of its meaning.

That and the fact that Jo did such a wonderful job of presenting characters that came across as real people, characters to which my young self could relate and with whom I found a certain friendship. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, Luna, Seamus, Dean, Fred, George....Draco....we grew up together. When the last book was published, the book's namesake was 17, and I was a mere 19 years old. We were peers. As much as I read, it's still not often that an author is able to convince me to pour emotion into a fictional character like I would a friend I can interact with in the flesh. I applaud anyone who can.

Getting back to truth, though, Jo's stories are dripping in them. A man I admire, Ben Shive, after he saw the movie today, posted on Twitter, "Harry Potter was so so good. I was praising Jesus. No joke." I was, too. I did the first time I read the book, and I have every time since then. Why?

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

...and...

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay his life down for his friends." John 15:13

Harry does that, both literally and figuratively, repeatedly. Other characters do that, both literally and figuratively, repeatedly. The Harry Potter stories make no secret of evil, and pain, and struggle, just as life, if fully lived, leaves everyone to confront such horror and tragedy. But the truth is, in the end, love is victorious. Voldemort doesn't take over the world. And neither does sin. "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world," said Jesus.

It's the pure and perfect love of Christ that has saved the world we live in. And it's the same kind of love that saved the Wizarding World. Sometimes (most times) I have difficulty understanding concepts when only presented abstractly, or even concretely when related to myself. I've found that most people have the same trouble. David, one of Israel's greatest kings, did when he took Bathsheba from her husband and had him killed. It took Nathan telling David a story of a poor man's stolen lamb for him to understand how atrocious his actions were. We need stories to help us understand the world, to understand each other, to understand God. Stories, good ones, capture our imaginations, the part of us still capable of wonder. Then, once they have taken hold of that one part of us we have left open to being vulnerable, the light they shed on truth makes it apparent to us, and that fully revealed truth is able to come in and change us. I'm grateful for stories like Harry's that help me to understand love.

This statement may shock some people, but I felt like I knew Jesus better after I reached the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for the first time four years ago.

The books reached their end a while ago. The movies have now done the same. Gradually, the hype will die down. But the stories won't change. They'll still be there, available for those who want to get lost in their wonder. Those who let themselves be lost will still find their way to the same truth. I intend to repeat the journey as long as my mind is still capable of understanding words.

And if I ever meet Ron Weasley in the flesh (although, his name wouldn't have to be exactly Ronald Bilius Weasley, or anything like it, just as long as his heart, personality and red hair are the same....I'll possibly negotiate on the red hair), I think I'll have to marry him.

Dialogue: borrowed.

"I knew the times would come

And now the times have landed

With sting and abrasion"

"And frankly, I did not plan

On getting hurt today"

"Pain is the invitation to surrender all"

"I'm okay with

Yeah, I'm okay with

Whatever happens"

"Write a book about the times that you've held your head

In your hands and you've cried

For poverty to end"

"The less I have

The less I lack"

"I'm in a constant freefall

When I'm following you"

"Worry not, love

How far you could fall"

"I know for sure I'm headed straight for the edge

'Cause that's just where you are"

"Canvas clean

Art unseen

New and glorious start"

"Ready to turn back

I still got far to go"

"A risk so great

A feel so real

Moving closer to what you really feel

Destination so unsure

You're not alone"

"My destination mind

Fights my identity"

"Tell me who I am

'Cause I'm too close to see

Past the imperfections

Do you see more to me?"

"You gave me a name

I could never gain

With even my college try"

"The poet is stuck in the mud

And the dreamer is finding his way home from the stars

And the visionary's watching his feet

'Cause the sentimental fool is numb again"

"Feeling cold, alone and worn

Is not a way for anyone to be

But this is me"

"I'll never hold a picture of the whole horizon in my view"

"Blank page, clean slate

New beginnings, paths to create"

"Feeling strong on my own two feet

So why am I feeling suddenly weak"

"Life is all just all

Just a bunch of work

Nothing more than a climbing fall"

"It's not by work you find your escape

But in your defeat when you seek his face"

"Sometimes this escape feels like a cage"

"This season of waiting is starting to get old"

"I want to live for you

The rhythm of your presence

Beats steady in my soul"

"Whether or not it's meant to be

Keep your faith and tenacity"

"You reach for the deepest hope in me

And call out for the things of eternity"

"Shallow capacity

Is bearing all I see

And I know

It's disease

It's loss, it's death

Knocking at my door

I click these thoughts

To something else

Something more"

"Fast-forward to the golden years

A smaller pride and a bigger fear

But still no way are we done yet"

"Although there is reason to fear

The sky will never clear

I can't think of a time when you haven't been there for me"

"Whether I'm riding high or feeling low

These are the two best prayers I know

Help me

And thank you"

"It takes more than courage

To step out in the aisle

Because I waited for a feeling

I didn't read the sign

Find me"

"You shape me like a story

You sing me like a song

But lately to be honest

I'm too tired to sing along"

"Just now I've reached the end of my line

Just now I'm too tired to keep on trying"

"I don't believe you brought me this far to give up

So every day I keep on fighting for it"

"Lord, don't let these wings forget how to fly"

"And while the thrills are fading

The joy is in the waiting

Somewhere in the grand design

It's good to be unsatisfied"

"The way it used to all make sense

Now is far away, cryptic and in riddles"

"I'm fearful of missing the point of it all"

"Don't be so scared

You're doing fine

Don't be so hurried

You're next in line

Don't be so worried

You'll be alright"

"I don't want to lie in fear

Help me remember clear

There's never been a time

When you haven't come through for me"

"Hey, if I'm to be sincere

I believe you're close to me

But still I miss you here"

"Someday I'm gonna break free

Leave it all behind me

I'll be all I was meant to be"

"I can hear the questions

With answers that breed doubt

The spiritual poison of hecklers and demons

Who whisper in corners, hoping for a sell-out"

"Detached harmonies

All the airwaves scream dissonance"

"Call out

Trying desperately to hear a sound

But there's no word"

"It's not that I don't trust you
I do

But I don't trust myself to hear from you"

"I hear I'm going down

I'm headed for the ground

I hear I should panic

I should be afraid

I hear through all the noise

A still and steady voice

Say 'wait'"

"If I could

Then I would

Run across the sea

To hear you speak to me"

"I've lost all my earthly optimism

That it's all gonna be alright

That the good will win this fight"

"I'm full of hardened misunderstandings

And they filter truth to me"

"Get out

All the lies that try to creep around

Devouring truth"

"Stripped of my filters maybe

I could be learning"

"I lift my hands in a resurrender

Waiting on you to put this together"

"In this mess I'm just one of the pieces

I can't put this together but you can"

"You make up for the faith I lack"

"When setbacks and failures and upset plans

Test my faith and leave me with empty hands

Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand

I know that you will finish what you began

And these broken parts you redeem

Become the song that I can sing"

"I won't take advice from cynics

I won't listen to the word of fools

Sure, everyone has their own take

On what I should do

But I will follow your voice"

"Sometimes it's hard to tell if I'm faithful

Or a fool to believe

You're still leading me"

"If there's nothing more I can do

Can I just sit here with you?"

"I know it's gonna be a hard day

And you won't come out of this the same

But my love will be your strength for tonight"

"You're gonna find

You're gonna find it

You're gonna find the strength"

"Help me to hear your voice

Above all the other noise"

"Hope is rising

It's a sunrise for the end

Hope is rising

And it's breathing for me again"

"You're not alone

Take a chance

Take my hand

We'll find the way to Neverland

Where all your childhood dreams come true"

"Soon every work will find its worth"

"They say that time heals all wounds

But this scar will become a small part of you

But there will come a day

When I'll see your smile

It'll be deeper and stronger

And I will know why"

"I always heard you loved me

But I think I know it now

Is that the reason why you brought me here?"

"Oh, I really am my own worst enemy

Please don't let me get the better of me"

"You wouldn't walk out on this tragedy

Never give up on your Iliad"

"I'm here to testify

That it's been an amazing ride

With you

And I have never walked alone"

"Life has no conflict

For those who do belong"

"Somehow my story is a part of your plan

Here I am"

"I will be a fool for you

All because you ask me to

A simpleton who's seemingly naive"

"The very thing I always feared would be the death of me

Was a way to come alive"

"Everyone's supposed to carry on"

"Wouldn't read the ending if I could

I'm always coming back for more"

"Come tomorrow, no one knows

But when everything unfolds

The hero wins"

"It's alright, it's okay

If I lose today

In the end I know you win"

"In the end it is well

After storms and beatings"

"That's more like it happened
For me and you

We're a story in the making"

"Consider the story isn't over"

Engraved in God's palms.

Another great year at camp has come and gone. Much of it was the same as always. In a good way. A kind of sameness that never loses its meaning and continues to impact those who experience it.

But I also did something new. During the week with the teenagers I was assigned the job of teacher. Thank the Lord there were set lesson plans and that I know Bible stories pretty well. Performing with zero preparation is always a test that reveals what a person knows at their core. And what they don't.

However, what I'm wanting to write about had nothing to do with the class I taught, how I felt about it, or what happened therein. Consider that bit of information bonus material.

I also led a small group that week. That's something I've been doing every year since I joined the staff. The role of small group leader often overlaps with the role of teacher, but the setting and purpose is slightly different. Something else that's different is that I'm responsible for discussion material. No lesson plans.

This is both exciting and terrifying.

Mostly exciting, I think.

When deciding what to talk about in small group I ask myself, "As a human, what are the most important, core-changing lessons that I have learned, which I can share with these other humans in hopes that they will also be changed?" In doing so, our discussions tend to revolve around passages of scripture that have profoundly impacted me and which I hold close to my heart.

I was considering one such passage one day, debating whether I wanted to share it with my group sometime during the week. It's a gem in the book of Isaiah that, to me, has communicated God's love in a way that few other images have.

"'Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.'" Isaiah 49:16

Beautiful.

But almost immediately after I brought it up I felt like I opened up a can of worms which I probably should have left closed. Not closed absolutely but left for another time in which I would have been able to really get at the heart of some issues I was noticing.

They were amazed at the idea of something being etched into God's palms. That was an appropriate response. I was too. But right after their looks of amazement, a hand from one of the girls raised and I heard "So do you think getting a tattoo is wrong?" And I could tell that everyone else was wanting me to answer the same question.

The poor dears, they're still so bound up in law!

Rather than responding to the imagery and being touched by what it represented, their minds immediately went to, "Wait, God's body is marked up? Is God okay with that?"

Whatever a person's opinions are about tattoos, body piercings, and the like, the picture depicted in that passage is still a valid and profound way to communicate how much God loves his creation. It says that he loves us so much that he's willing to make us a part of himself and to suffer pain in order to do so, and not only do we come to be a part of himself, we're on his palms, a place where he will always see us, where we will always be on his mind, where he can hold us.

I'm not sure if I did it well, but that's what I tried to get those girls to see. To look beyond the question of whether it's permissible for a person to get a tattoo, and consider why one might mark their body and the implications of what that means in relation to how God feels toward us. That may have been too tall of a task for 30 minutes in which people are distracted and not paying close attention for longer than five minutes.

But overall, I think it went well. More time would have been nice but despite the lack of it, I don't think it was the can of worms I first feared it would be. That was just me feeling insecure, and fearing that powers higher than me would either disagree with how I responded to the aforementioned question or criticize me for even broaching a subject that could be considered controversial. But, as always, I had nothing to fear.

And I pray that one day each of them can come to be so secure in who they are in Christ that questions of law no longer dominate their thinking. They can just be who they are, the righteousness of God, and such questions won't be so troublesome anymore.