Sunday, March 22, 2009

I'm the next Alyssa Barlow.


I'm excited! Can you tell?

"Why are you so excited?" you may ask. Because I am finally going to learn how to play the bass. I've wanted to for ages. I haven't talked about it much, because I just figured I'd learn when I finally had the money to buy one and then bought one. But my brother, my mother and I were talking to a guy at church last week (he happens to be the one who plays the bass most Sundays) and it came up in the conversation that I wanted to learn to play the bass. He said, "Really?" and looked kind of thoughtful and no more was said right then. But he talked to my mother later that afternoon and told her that if I was serious, he had a bass that he would let me borrow so I could learn how to play. Wow.

So today, he brought it to church. Then I brought it home with me. And now it's sitting here in my room. I would have started messing with it as soon as I got home, but I had a lot of reading to do and I wanted to make sure I got it done. So it hasn't been touched since it was put in the case after church. But I'm eager to jump in!

How cool is that. That someone just up and let me borrow their bass guitar. I was pretty blown away when I heard his offer, and I'm even more blown away now that I have it. I thanked him about a million times. Yes, a million times.

Now I just have to figure out how to play it. More than that, I have to find time to figure out how to play it. That'll be the true test of how serious I actually am about this bass playing business, how much time I manage to make and how strong of a commitment I make to learning how to play. I pray my motivation stays strong.

It's Emily's Favorite Things!

The response to the idea of me doing a video blog thingy wasn't overwhelming, volume wise, but it was overwhelming with enthusiasm! (Thanks, Kaitlyn. And April, who approved of the idea when I first mentioned it way back when.)

So with the positive feedback and the fact that I just wanted to do it anyway, I recorded a video. I've been sitting on it for about a week, because I haven't had time to upload it. But yesterday, I did have time. So I tried getting it up on YouTube. More than once. And it didn't work. So I tried again this morning, expecting it not to work again. But lo and behold, right before I left for church I checked and it had worked!

So here it is! Let me know what you think. Even if all you can think is how ridiculous I am. I'll agree with you on that point. And the sound and picture don't exactly match up. It got messed up when it was uploading. It's not terrible, but I do apologize.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Shut your mouth and listen.

I think I'm beginning to get over the illness I've been grappling with for the past week.

I never did feel too bad. My worst days came in the middle of the week, and even then, I wouldn't have even known I was sick were it not for the fact that I was coughing, my throat was slightly swollen and scratchy, my hearing was slightly impaired, and my sinuses were congested and drippy. It sounds a lot worse that it actually was. The rest of my physical being felt fine, and I was mostly in a good mood all week.

The one thing this did, and which I am thankful for in the long run, is force me to be more quiet and listen.

I'm pretty quiet in the first place. The people who know me well, and even not so well, can testify to that. And I consider myself to be a pretty good listener. I'm usually the person in the room who isn't saying a word, but can tell you what everyone else is talking about, quite often even word-for-word what they said, despite how many conversations are going on. I don't often let on like I hear everything, but that's another matter entirely.

Getting back to the topic at hand, using my voice this week has been a challenge. So that means I was inclined to talk even less than usual. And singing has been difficult, even nearly impossible at worst. I almost didn't even go to choir practice this week, because I wasn't contributing much to the overall sound. But I get credit for showing up and it helps to at least hear the songs, so I muddled my way through.

Not talking is no big deal for me. I commonly go hours, upon hours without speaking. It feels good not to talk. But singing, as I'm sure anyone who ever reads what I write knows, is a different story. Especially when there's music going. It's so hard for me to keep my mouth shut. There was one time this week when I was coming home from school, and one of my favorite BarlowGirl songs came on the radio. Now, if there's ever a place that I always especially feel like singing, it's in the car, particularly when I am alone. I simultaneously cheered and groaned; cheered because I was excited and I hadn't heard it in a while, and groaned because I knew I wouldn't be able to sing it. But I tried anyway. I choked and coughed my way through. Definitely not the best rendition of that song ever heard.

So with a few exceptions, such as that incident, I just resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have to keep my mouth closed until I got over this junk. So I've just been listening to my music, instead of taking part in it. I've been listening more in general.

I'd like to say that I heard something profound, or that I learned some deep piece of wisdom. But I didn't. I've just been experiencing things from a different perspective. And it's reaffirmed to me the value of listening, of not saying too much or constantly having to make yourself be heard. I usually think I have a pretty good handle on that, but as with other things I tend to think I have a pretty good handle on, I come to realize at some point that I could use a little refresher.

It's a word that's thrown around a lot, but perspective really does work wonders.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Here's to the next month and half!

My spring break is coming to a close. I go back to school the day after tomorrow.

It's been good. The first half was more eventful than the last half. I was quite a busy bee. But the last few days, I haven't done much. And I've gotten the chance to relax. And it's been nice.

I have accomplished the main things I set out to do this week. Relax/rest was one of them. I also got a lot of flash cards made for German. I'm hoping they'll help when I'm studying. Just the act of writing them out helps to implant the words in my head. I also cleaned up my room. I don't seem to ever find time to do that.

I also listened to lots of music and did lots of singing. Before my break, I blogged about being too busy to sing and how I didn't like that. I definitely haven't been too busy this week. Only today my throat has been scratchy so my voice has been a little raspy. Which I don't mind so much, except for the fact that it's harder to control. When it doesn't get too bad, I think it adds an interesting quality, a quality which I lack. I've had many people comment on how pure my voice is. Not today!

I really hope I'm not getting sick. My mom had been laying in bed all week with something going on in her head and lungs. I don't want to walk into school sick on Monday. Choir practice will be a mess. And I'm planning on going to Winter Jam tomorrow night, and it's not going to be any good for me to go to a concert not being able to sing.

There's only about a month and a half left in this semester. Time flies by so quickly. And I pray that it's better than the two months that have already passed. Not to say that they were bad. They were actually pretty alright. But a reduction in stress is always a welcomed occurrence. And I'm an eternal optimist, so I can't help but hope for the best.

Friday, March 13, 2009

A video blog, starring Me!

I said ages ago in a note on Facebook that I was thinking about starting a video blog. Mainly because I want an excuse to play with my webcam. But I've been really busy and I didn't have any ideas about what I would do on a video blog for a long time.

But now I do. I'm thinking I'll call it, "Emily's Favorite Things" and the purpose will be to talk about my favorite things, of course. I'll have one favorite thing for each installment and they won't be any longer than just a few minutes.

What do you think? Is it a terrible idea? Do you ever watch video blogs? Or are they just not your thing? If you have any opinions - good, bad, indifferent or completely unrelated - please share them with me.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Lord, save me from myself

For those who have been following my blog for a while, this post has been a long time coming. And I'm afraid that it may be quite anti-climactic. After it first sounds entirely too overdramatic. I guess even I can't escape drama.

Back in the middle of December, I had a few days that really weirded me out. I had no idea what was going on at first. But I was an emotional wreck. And that's unusual for me. Yes, I do tend to cry a lot, but there is a difference between emotional crying and the crying I tend to do. I was doing much more than just crying at that point in time. It wouldn't have been quite so strange if I had just known why it was happening. I can accept being emotional if there is a justifiable reason for being so. But as far as I could tell, I seemed to myself like I was feeling fine internally. But I was acting like someone had died. I did all kinds of soul-searching and praying and I just couldn't figure it out. I thought I was losing it.

But after a few days, I realized what was going on, or rather, God made it clear to me.

Most of my crazy emotionality had been manifesting itself while I was listening to downhere's album Ending Is Beginning. A rational person might say, "Well, if listening to it is making you go all crazy, then just don't listen to it." 1.) I wasn't in a very rational frame of mind. 2.) I was too curious. I had to know what was going on. Why, after having listened to it for months, was it making me crazy all of a sudden? So I kept listening to it. And I kept acting all insane.

But like I said, God finally made some things clear. He was trying to tell me something. And for whatever reason, the message just didn't make it through to my conscious mind immediately. Maybe I was suppressing it. I don't know, really. But I think I was getting it subconsciously, and that's why I was acting all weird. Because once I realized what he was trying to say to me, I finally had a reason to freak out and an explanation as to why I was freaking out. But surprisingly enough, I stopped freaking out after that. On the outside, at least. I started freaking out on the inside. And that's what I usually do. There's a raging ocean of turmoil inside, and I'm as cool as a cucumber on the surface.

So...what God was telling me was, "I want you to sing, Emily." And what he meant by that was not just in the car, or at home, or when I'm walking around Wal-Mart, or occasionally at church and special events. I already have that covered quite well. No, he was saying that he wants that be "what I do with my life."

Now, I'm not opposed at all to the idea of my life being all about music. It already kinda is, because I spend so much time poring myself into music and thinking about music and I sing almost incessantly. But there was, and still is, so much unknown and fear gripped me. Tightly. Not to mention some confusion.

First of all, I was a music major when I started college. I felt firmly like that was what I was supposed to do. And I loved it. My first year of college was one of the toughest years of my life, but I still loved what I was doing. I made it through that year, barely holding up, but I made it. And then God said, "Okay, you're not supposed to do that anymore." "What? What happened? I thought you said......and I was learning so much. I love what I'm doing. Why? And on top of that, what else am I supposed to do? You and music are like it for me. And I don't think you're telling me to go to seminary or something like that. So if I don't do music, what am I going to do?" "Change your major to English." "English? Okay. Why English? Do you want me be a teacher....no....alright.......English, you're sure......okay....but why?"

I'm still asking why. But I did it. But before I did it, he told me take a year off of school. Or forced me, rather. I wasn't going to, but he kinda fixed circumstances to where I had no choice. And looking back at it now, I think the biggest reason for that was for me to recover. Like I said before, my first year of college was the toughest year of my life. Very little of it had to do with school. But having the added pressure of going to school and trying to not fail all of my classes was not helping matters at all. And he knew that I didn't need to jump right back in. I needed that year to regroup. And gain some perspective. Oh, perspective.

So last fall, I went back to school. As an English major. And a music minor. And I was excited! I'm one of those total geeks that loves school and loves to learn, and now being an English major, I was looking forward to lots of reading and writing. Those are two of my favorite things to do. So even if I don't know why I'm doing it, I'm definitely going to enjoy myself in the process.

I get through the first semester, and then the erratic behavior and emotions and the new message from God. I thought in the back of my mind, "Okay, God....hey man....make up your mind." Only with God, nothing is in the back of anyone's mind so he heard me loud and clear. And I'm sure he laughed at me. But honestly, I was a music major and he told me not to do that anymore and then he goes and tells me to sing. Wasn't that what I was doing?

I was so confused. I still am if I think about it too much. But that's the trick. Just accept it and don't think about it too much. I sometimes have a hard time doing that.

And then there's the fear. It's one thing to do something you enjoy on the side. And maybe fantasize about it being more than just something on the side. But when the time comes to get serious about it, something changes. Nothing actually changes, really. It's just your view about it. My view changed. What if I can't do it? Am I really a good enough singer to do more than just sing at church on Sunday? What if I jump in and everything falls apart? What if I look like I'm irresponsible? That's a big one for me. I have what I call a responsibility complex. I sometimes harbor a grudge against responsibility. Responsibility gets to be overwhelming, and I wish it would go away. But I am usually the cause of the problem. I can't seem to quit taking on responsibility for everything. Not just the things that should be my responsibility, but things that no one ever expects me to do. And being seen as irresponsible is one of the most unacceptable things in my mind. And I fear that people will think that I'm being irresponsible. Not all people. Just a select few. I could probably name all of them right here, but that would be of absolutely no benefit. And what does it matter anyway. That's what I've had to tell myself. What God is telling me to do matters, not what a handful of people think about me.

And then comes the list of little nitpicky things that I seem to think are hugely important, and can't be overcome. Like the fact that I don't play any instrument with enough proficiency to accompany myself. Namely the piano or the guitar. If I stuck to it, I feel pretty certain that I could become a decent piano player. And I really want to. But I haven't done it yet, because I'm a busy gal and by the time I get done with school and the things that I have to do, I don't want to put that much effort into doing something else. And here's the real clincher, I've never written a song in my life. I've always thought it would be really cool to write a song, and I've always held deep admiration for song writers. But so far, I am not one of them. It's like a club of these elite people, and I stand from afar, gawking in their direction, fantasizing about how cool it must be to be them, to have written at least one song. I tried my hand at some composing in theory 2 my freshman year, and it didn't turn out so well. I was glad that our grade came from us just turning something it and not from how well we did it. My theory professor played it, in front of the whole class, and it sounded like one of the most terrible things I had heard in my life. Now, classical music is different from the kind of music that God is calling me to, and I should take into consideration the fact that I wrote that in about 24 hours, but those things would weaken my argument and here I am trying to give God reasons why I can't do it. So those things are easily ignored.

So now my questions are, "What am I supposed to sing? And how am I supposed to sing it?" And kind of as an answer to that he told me that I'm not supposed to do this thing alone. I'm cool with that. I think music is generally far better when people collaborate. "Alright. So....with whom? And when? How? Where?"

I'm still waiting on the answers to those questions. But the difference is, I have moved from constant questioning and doubt and fear and skepticism, to acceptance and surrender and faith and trust. Sometimes I have to make myself move in that direction, but at least I'm not fighting it anymore.

Now, where Ending Is Beginning falls in all of this....God was using that album to communicate to me. Every song was doing one of two things:

1. They were telling me about me. They were gently pointing at me and saying, "Hey, hear what these guys are saying...this is you," or "this is an area in which you're lacking...this is what you should be doing." It was never condescending, just a gentle slap in the face, if there is such a thing.

Or 2. They were telling me about God. About his character and the things he has done for me and promises he has made to me. And the biggest thing he was saying to me was, "You are not alone. You will not be alone. I am here. Always. End of story."

And whichever one of those two things each particular song was doing, they all were saying, "Here, this music that you are listening to, and that God is using to speak to you, this is what you are to do."

And I should have known all along, really. This shouldn't have blind-sided me like it apparently did. Reason being that I believe that God creates us all individually, exactly the way he intended, with exactly the kind of "wiring" he intended, with exactly the kinds of passions and desires and talents and skills and gifts that he intended for us to use. And my heart and mind and everything has always been wrapped up in music. I feel this deep desire on a regular basis to sing. And that's why I do it so much. And when I go for long periods of time without doing it, I'm not myself. So with this new message, God was saying, "I have given this to you and I gave it to you for you to use." So not using it is not an option. Unless I want to fight God's intentions. And I don't want to do that. It doesn't work.

And that was the root of the turmoil. I was fighting to not look at what was right in front of me. I didn't want to see it. But at the same time, I was running toward it, because I can't deny what's within me. This is what I was made to do.

Ending Is Beginning wasn't the only musical thing that helped me work through all of this. This wasn't resolved in a matter of days. From the start of the erratic behavior and emotionality to the point of acceptance and surrender was quite extended. All the rest of downhere's music played a big role during that time, and still is playing a major role. And I also started listening to Jason Gray a lot. His album All the Lovely Losers seemed to be speaking right into my situation and the things I was feeling and it provided more nudges from God and more affirmations of his character and his promises. So when you hear me talking about these people all the time, this is one of the reasons why. Not to mention the fact that they are great musicians and even greater people.

So this is where I am. I still have so many unanswered questions. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm still an English major and am busting my brains and wearing myself thin without knowing why. But the important part is that I'm here. And I'm willing. And I'm actively waiting to see what happens. And mingled with all of the uncertainty is anticipation and excitement. Because I know this is from God, and nothing from God has ever been less than exciting.

There you have it. I'm glad it's not going to take you as long to read it as it did for me to write it. And I said it was anti-climactic because with all of this I was really making a big deal out of nothing. It was just me overreacting like a simple human with her focus in the wrong place has the tendency to do. And I apologize for any and all drama. Particularly the part where I had an emotional breakdown. I would hope that anyone who reads this would know that the drama highway is not where I roll. I do my best to steer clear of it. But I guess everyone's tires slip at some point and you end up where you didn't want to be until you can make it back on the road.

Lord, save me from myself.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Baby, I can drive my car!


I am now an official licensed driver. *pumps fist in the air*

I took my test today and obviously, I passed. I'm pretty excited. The novelty of driving is not what excites me. I could care less about driving for the sake of driving. If I didn't have to drive, then I don't think I would. No, what I am happy about is that no one has to drive me around anymore, nor does a licensed driver aged 21 or older have to sit next to me in the front passenger seat. If I need to go somewhere, I can and I don't have to inconvenience anyone else.

My brother is especially glad about this, because he is the one who has been driving me to school every morning. Every day, somewhere between 8:00 and 8:30 he has been getting a wake up call from me. Usually a chipper good morning (or Guten Morgen, if I'm feeling particulary German) accompanied with what time it is. And sometimes even a song. And I'm making myself out to be one of those bubbly morning persons. I'm really not. It's just that when I wake him up, I've already been awake for at least an hour if not longer. So I'm fully awake by then and have no problem singing songs and dancing a little jig. (Which I also often do. Not just in the morning.)

And now that I have the ability to drive to school, I am determined that I'm going to buy a bike and I'm going to ride it to school, erasing the need for a license and leaving my car at home. It will eliminate the hassle of parking. It will save on gas. It's good for the environment. And it's good for me, as far as health benefits go. So, I am praying for a bike. Hopefully that I'll find an inexpensive one and I'll have the money to buy one, but who knows what God will do. Someone may just walk up to my house and ask if anyone needs a bike. You never know.

My parents have been jesting all day about me driving everywhere now that I have the freedom to do so. But in reality, I don't know that I will. I assume that, besides school, the majority of the places I go will still be with my brother, because we just have a tendency to do everything together. And I don't see him sitting in the passenger seat all the time because 1.) he usually knows where he's going, whereas I don't and I'd have to be asking him where to go every few seconds, and 2.) he drives faster than I do. That may change, but I kinda doubt it. So I don't really expect my level of driving to increase much.

So with the fact that I don't care much for driving, and I want to ride a bike to school, and I probably won't get the opportunity to drive much with my brother in the car, I have absolutely no idea why I am as excited as I am. I'll just add it to the list of all the other things I don't understand about myself. It's quite long and quite amusing.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

...and the Harrowing Harmons for the win!

My spring break has been going quite nicely so far. Today was a good day.

I got up at 7:00 this morning like I usually do. Only, with the time change, it was like I was getting up at 6:00. So I was a little more groggy than usual. But the grogginess left me quickly. I read my Bible, milled around a little bit, and got dressed and then headed downstairs at about 7:30 to start cooking.

My brother decided that he wanted to invite some friends over for a sort of late birthday celebration for himself, so this morning I needed to get a head start on lunch for everybody, and while I was at it, I made breakfast. I made two kinds of muffins for breakfast. They were tasty. Chicken quesadillas were on the menu for lunch, so I had to boil the chicken and then set it on to simmer in the taco seasoning before we left for church. I took my computer in there with me and was bopping around to my music from the time I went down there 'til about 10:00. I listened to downhere's Wide-Eyed and Simplified the whole time. I have listened to that album approximately 10-12 times over the past two days. And I've been listening to it in reverse order. (Don't ask.)

Then it was time for church. There was a leaky faucet at church. I started crying in the middle of the service, and it just wouldn't quit coming. Ever so slowly, ever so steadily, one tear at a time would fall down my face.I really needed to hear what was said this morning. And I needed to be in that environment.

When we got home, two of our friends were already sitting in our driveway! So we all walked in together, and I headed straight to the kitchen to finish lunch. My parents got home shortly after that, and my mom helped me finish everything. Four more friends showed up in the meantime. We ate. And then we watched August Rush. I love that movie. And everyone else seemed to enjoy it. I was pleased.

After the movie, four friends went home. My brother and I, and the remaining two friends played Cranium. 'Twas fun. Then we played Spades. It was the Harrowing Harmons (my brother and me) against the Thrasher Dashers (our friends). We only played two rounds, but the Harrowing Harmons came out on top! Good job, team.

Then the last two friends left. And I've been pretty much chilling since then. It's nice to chill.

I hope that the rest of my spring break is comprised of days such as this. I have been so weary and burdened, that today was good for my soul. God, the body of Christ/friends, family, fun, relaxation, music...these things work wonders. And I'm afraid that I lose sight of them too often. Especially God, which is the most important and most essential of them all.

Friday, March 6, 2009

A few good men.

I went downhere concert-ing again. So here I am to recount my experience and write down some thoughts.

Oh, and I think I'm going to go really stream-of-consciousness with this one. So expect me to jump around. We'll see if it works. I'll try to make sure it's not a complete, jumbled, confusing mess.

The guys were great as usual. They have yet to disappoint. And besides their great performing and musicianship, they're just such great people that I can't help but like being around them.

It was in Sevierville, TN. About three and a half hours from my house. My brother and Garrett, a friend of ours, were my concert pals. The trip there and back was pretty uneventful. We talked more coming back than going. I'm afraid that for some, my brother and I aren't the greatest road trip companions. If we come up with something to talk about, then we happily chat. But mostly we just listen to our music and sing. I think Garrett was okay, though. I hope.

This was Garrett's first time to see them, and he hadn't really ever listened to them before either. So that excited me. But I was kinda nervous at the same time. I get that way whenever I introduce someone to something I really love. "What will they think about it? What will I do if they hate it? Can I handle that?" But I usually get over that pretty quickly and I didn't let it stop me from having a good time.

They downhere guys were playing for an event to celebrate the end of the church's Upward basketball season, so that made the night interesting. The place was swarming with kids. And we were treated to a few extra things besides the concert. They had a youth dance team that performed three songs over the course of the night. And they had a guy get up and talk to the kids about Jesus. And they gave special recognition to a few of the players. The ones who won the slam dunk contest, I think. Needless to say, they were tall. But anyway, it made for a different experience and I was cool with that.

And I wasn't about to get up and leave, because I didn't want to miss a second of the guys on stage. Garrett and my brother got hungry at one point and decided to pop out when the guys weren't on stage. And had I gone with them, I would have missed two whole songs. And that would have been unacceptable. Because one of those two songs was "Mighty to Save" and I love hearing them do that song.

Jason got the Funny Award for the night. He said some pretty hi-larious stuff. The first words that came out of his mouth (that he didn't sing) for the night were, "Hello, my fuzzy chickens." And in the next minute he said the word "fuzzy" about a million more times. I don't even think he knew what he was saying or why he was saying it. But I was about to choke on my laughter. Funny, funny man.

Garrett couldn't get over the similarities between Marc and Freddie Mercury. On the way there, we listened to some downhere. And during their song, "Don't Be So," Garrett first commented about how much marc sounded like Freddie Mercury. Then after we were there, he said he even moved like Freddie Mercury when he performed. And after the show, he said that he resembled him slightly. Yep.

All of the kids were up at the front during the whole show. It started out with just two girls. But then slowly more joined them until they were swarming the front. And they were having a good time. I enjoyed watching them. When I didn't have my eyes fixed on the band, that is.

After the show, I had to make sure I talked to them. I felt kinda bad about making Garrett stand around, though. There were tons of people lining up for pictures and autographs and I wanted to wait until most of them cleared out. So I finally went over and spoke to Marc first. It was just very briefly. He recognized my face and I reminded him who I was. He remembered. In our brief conversation, my brother and I mentioned where we drove from and his response was to widen his eyes and say, "Wow. You need to leave then." It made me chuckle.

Every time I come away from interacting with Marc I always think, "Maybe I'm not quite as introverted as I thought." Because that guy is one of the most introverted people I've met. Definitely one of the most, if not THE most, introverted performer I've ever met. Especially considering how crazy he can get on stage. It's almost like night and day. I used to be a lot more introverted than I am now. I've finally reached a point where talking to people is a lot easier for me to do and comes more naturally. I don't feel nearly as awkward as I once did, even though I still fell awkward daily. Hourly, would be a better description. Often even more frequently than that. Because usually I'm the reserved one in the conversation. But Marc has consistently made me feel quite outgoing. It's an interesting feeling and provides a lot of perspective.

We talked to Jason next. He's so easy to talk to. We had a really good conversation with him. Quite lengthy. He also recognized my face, and I reminded him who I was, etc. After all that, he commented on my shirt. I was wearing my dcTalk Supernatural Tour shirt. We started talking about K-Max. And (this makes me really excited) we found out that Jason was also at the Rutledge when we were in January when we saw K-Max. I can't believe we didn't see him! It's only because my brother and I walked in, found places to sit, and stayed there and didn't get up until it was time to leave. and we were in the very front of the room, and it was pretty dark, so there were a lot of people we couldn't see. Jason said he was in the back. Jason also started talking about how talented he is ("freakishly talented" as Marc put it in a recent interview with jesusfreakhideout.com). I emphatically agreed. And that made me even more excited than knowing we saw K-Max together because one of my favorite musicians, like me, also liked to gush about another one of my favorite musicians.

Then we got started talking about recording technology and a bit about the industry today. Garrett had told him about a paper he was working on and that he's a Recording Industry major. So he was mainly talking to Garrett. I'm pretty geeky and I like my music, so I wasn't completely lost. But some of things he was saying kinda went over my head. But I got the gist of what he was talking about. It was a good conversation. I think this conversation and the wonder at the similarities between Marc and Freddie Mercury helped to provide at least a little interest over the course of the night for Garrett.

Here comes the only disappointing thing about the night. While we were talking to Jason, Glenn and Jeremy disappeared. We didn't get to talk to either one of them. I was sad. They were the ones I had talked to on Twitter and told that I was going to be there. I'll just have to make an extra-concerted effort the next time I see them. Maybe there won't be so many people around.

So there you have it. Those were the highlights. I think I stayed on task pretty well. I'm always happy when my writing comes out able to be understood. It makes me feel accomplished.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Darkness vs. Light

I should be sleeping right now. It's still dark outside. I woke up way too early.

I was dreaming again. This dream was really, really dark. It didn't scare me, exactly, it was just unsettling and depressing. When I woke up, I kinda made a weird face and pushed it off, but as soon as I closed my eyes to try to go back to sleep, it was all I could see. I didn't want to see that anymore.

So I tried thinking of happy things, colorful things, bright things, and lots of light. But it wasn't working. I still saw dark things whenever I closed my eyes. I wanted light. So I started singing about God in an attempt to bring in light. "Starspin" by downhere was the first song that popped into my head. It didn't work either.

So I resigned myself to the fact that I was probably going to have to get up. Because I wasn't about to lay there and try to go to sleep in that darkness again.

I sat up and reached over and grabbed my Bible. Typically the first thing I do in the morning is read the Bible, so this wasn't unusual. But it seemed much more imperative today than it usually does. So I read and I asked God to fill my head with light, or Him in otherwords.

And now here I am. The dark isn't gone yet, but with my eyes open it's only in the background. And I pray that it will continue to fade as the day passes. And to ensure that that happens, I intend to focus on and surround myself with good things. And I'm going to see downhere tonight, so that's perfect. Their lyrics always keep God as the focus and that's what I need today.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Without music, there is no life

I never in my life thought that I would ever be too busy to sing. But it has happened.

I sing for about two hours in choir practice every week, sing along to the music in the car every once in a while, and occasionally vocalize the song that's running through my head, but that's about it. I haven't been listening to a lot of music, and most of my time is either spent working or sleeping.

And I can tell. I'm starting to miss music. Not only that, but I've been feeling pretty awful. And usually me feeling awful coincides with a lack of music and a lack of me singing.

And speaking of a lack of me singing, I can hear it in my voice. On the scattered occasions that I have been singing lately, I hear what's been coming out of my mouth and think, "What the heck is that? Sounds pretty rubbishy to me." When they say, "If you don't use it, you lose it," they're right. I am out of practice vocally and I don't like it. Not at all.

I know part of it, maybe even a lot of it, is me being my own worst critic. But I know how well I can do when I'm in the zone, and I am so not in the zone right now so I'm not performing to my greatest potential. That bothers me.

Next week is when I have spring break. I'm planning on staying home and resting. Most of the times I am most at rest are times when I am singing, so part of that staying home and resting is going to consist of me hanging out in my room and singing. Lots of singing. I hope to feel fully rested by the end of the week, and vocally rejuvenated.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

My alliterative weekend.

It's 11:17 PM and I just made it home about 20 minutes ago. I am very tired and happy to be back, but I had a fantastic weekend full of fun, family and friends, some of my closest friends whom I don't get to see very often.

The whole purpose of this trip to Arkansas was to surprise my brother. We threw him a party. It was a combined belated graduation celebration and a birthday extravaganza since his birthday was Monday the 23rd. It was so hard trying to keep it a secret. There were many times when I almost slipped over the past month, but we successfully managed to keep him in the dark right up until he walked into the room. It was great.

To distract him yesterday while the party palooza was being put together, he and I went and spent several hours at the house of some of our friends whom we met in home school band and hadn't seen in a rather long time. It was fun. We played cards. Lots of cards. I like cards.

This morning we went to church with my grandmother, to the church I was born into, the church my mother was born into. It's always nice to go back for a visit. I'm the sappy nostalgic type, and I have many fond memories there. One thing I've grown to appreciate going back there is the opportunity to sing hymns. That's one thing that I feel is lacking from my regular church experience, we don't sing enough hymns. And not only did we just sing hymns, we sang what is quite possibly my favorite hymn, "How Great Thou Art." (We also sang my least favorite hymn, "Mansion Over The Hilltop," but we'll not get into that.) I actually thought I was about to cry a couple of times during the service. It was a good morning.

Every time me or anyone in my family is at that church they always ask us to sing. Today was no different. We had nothing planned, even though we should know better by now, but my mother, brother and I sang "Shall We Gather At the River" together once several years ago, so we decided to do that. It was a very unpolished, on-the-spot version, but everyone was very gracious and we got many compliments and thank-yous. No matter how many compliments and thank-yous I've gotten, they're always nice to hear. They never get old and I appreciate every one.

In the car after church, my dearest downhere came on the radio. "Here I Am" was the song. This time, I actually did cry. Tears were rolling and I was trying to sing along, but I was pretty choked up so it wasn't the greatest sing-along in the world. I don't think anyone was listening though.

The last highlight I'll mention is the fact that when we got home there was a thick blanket of snow on the ground. A good six inches, probably. That's quite a feat for Middle Tennessee. It was a very nice welcome home and made me smile. (And of course, we had to get the most snow of the season at the end of February/first of March. Isn't spring supposed to be right around the corner?)

Now it is time for me to go to sleep. What with getting up at 4 AM yesterday and all the driving and the staying up late and excitement, I am worn out. And I have to be up to get ready for school in about 7 hours. But I'm not complaining. It was all worth it.