Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Continuing to search....

I posted a week ago on the subject of art and what I think its purpose should be. I have more to add.

The argument I presented in the last post was that we should always be searching for and highlighting the good things in existence. To add another dimension to that, when you see an injustice or a perversion in the world, I do not think much is accomplished in putting it on display, even for the purpose of trying to communicate how wrong you think it is. If we think something is wrong, obviously we think there is something better and that that is the goal we should be working toward. So rather than calling out the bad and saying, "Get away from this," why not just proclaim the good and say, "Come toward this." It makes sense in my mind that if what is true and right is put on display, then the things that are not will be obvious without ever having been intentionally pointed out.

I also commented last time on how my way of thinking does not seem to fit the norm. I speculated about why that is in my last post, and although I danced around the answer, I never came to a firm conclusion. Now, however, I'm saying to myself, "Duh! It's so obvious."

My way of thinking isn't like everyone else, because I'm not like everyone else. I have a system of beliefs that are far different than popular opinion. But beyond just the basics of beliefs, I am chiefly different because of Jesus. I have decided to live in Him and He, therefore, in His love and grace, also now lives in me, and upon that occurrence, I was radically changed. He is the reason I believe the things that I believe. He is the reason that I am always looking for redemption and hope and truth.

This is not true for the majority of the world. The majority of the world would be confused by both the notion of someone living in Christ and that of Him living in anyone else. It's not easy to wrap your head around until you've experienced it. And even then, understanding is not made complete instantaneously. So with my way of thinking being so radically different than the majority, it's no wonder that I am so turned off with much in culture. It's no wonder that my ideals and values clash with most of the ones being presented around me.

The Bible talks about how different the people in Christ are, and while I always accepted that as true, there was a not-so-distant time when I didn't really understand what that meant, because I didn't see a whole lot of evidence in my life personally. There are several reasons for this, I think, that I won't go into now. The point is that my difference has become increasingly evident, and now I finally think I understand what the Bible talks about regarding this topic.

The area where this is most evident to me is in my academic life. In other areas of my life, if I see something that even appears to be not according to my liking, it's really easy for me to distance myself from it and not give much thought to it. For example, if I think a TV show is promoting values that go against my own, then I can simply not watch it, and that is the end of that. But I can't do that in school if I want to pass my classes in the parameters that have been established. If my professor tells me to read a book, I have to read it. If I am told to watch a movie, I have to watch it. I run across a lot of things on which I would not spend my time and energy if I were deciding for myself.

So I read the books, plays, watch the movies, TV shows, etc. I listen to the class discussions, and occasionally add my own input. It would be so much easier if I could let things roll past me without giving it too much consideration, but I can't. I can't blow anything off. And wouldn't that actually defeat the purpose of my education, because I think, at least in theory, that's the point of studying all of these things that are being put in front of me, so that I can learn about the world around me and try to function in it, and that functioning includes developing my own ideas and opinions. So that's what I do. I actually think I spend more time just trying to process all of the tragedy that I run into than I do on actual work. You want me to read this book and then write an analysis between the main character and another character from a different book? Sure, I'll do that. As soon as I spend at least a day asking why things happened they way they did, what motivates people to write such things, and why I care so much. But after I do all of that, then I'll be happy to do your assignment. (Side note: when I think about how much time I honestly spend thinking about these kinds of things, it's no wonder my homework is so often left to the last minute and I feel like I have to rush all of the time. I take the time I could be spending writing a paper, and I use it laying on my bed, staring at the wall, asking myself the same questions over and over again.)

I have somewhat drifted from what I initially started talking about. To get back on point, my worldview is unlike most people that I encounter. So I shouldn't be surprised when their ideas and mine don't match. Nor should I be surprised when they create art that does not function as I think art should. Jesus never walked up to sinners and slapped them in the face for sinning. You know who he did virtually slap in the face? The people who were supposed to know better, yet didn't act like it. So I will spend my time trying to do what I know is better, and with any hope, that will catch the attentions of people who don't know better, and they will be motivated to start seeking out the good with me.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Renewal.

"On a day like this
I wanna run from the routine
Run away from the daily grind
That can suck the life
Right out of me."
-Bebo Norman

I needed this weekend.

I spend every day so busy that I can barely look up. When I do slow down, I fall asleep. Between those two realities, there isn't much opportunity to think about what I'm doing beyond the moment I'm living in, nor why it is that I'm doing what I do. In this disconnect, things begin to lose meaning. As things lose meaning, they become drudgery. Drudgery will drain the life out of you.

This weekend, I wasn't stuck doing homework the whole time. I interacted with friends. Listened to good music. Sang from deep inside me. And was able to stop and see the beauty and blessing surrounding me.

I now feel like I can face life again with a renewed vigor.

I hope the same for you.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

It's no secret.

For the most part, I don't like secrets. Of any kind.

I would much rather have everything out in the open. That includes surprises. Little things aren't that big of a deal, but if something could be deemed significant, I'd rather know. And you can be pretty sure that if you're getting something from me, unless it's something small that I don't have to keep hidden for a long time, then I'm not going to surprise you.

Why do I not like secrets? Secrets are a burden. Being disallowed to provide full disclosure creates a heavy weight, the feel of which I am not fond. I have been entrusted with the keeping of many secrets in my lifetime, and while I am faithful in keeping them, I don't like how they make me feel. They eat away at me on the inside and can ruin my mood faster than most things.

Secrets are one of those things that I don't think I could even wish on my enemies. If I had any enemies.

There are some secrets that aren't quite so depressing as that, but so many of them are, that I prefer not to develop the habit at all. I make a real effort to not keep any secrets of my own. The only ones I do are those of others, because as heavy as they are, they're not mine to release.

So I am making no secret out of that fact that I don't like secrets.

Emily's Favorite Things #6 - Friends

It's been a while since I've done one of these, but Emily's Favorite Things has returned with episode #6. Chances are, if you're viewing this, it applies to you.


Friday, March 26, 2010

"Hi." "Hi." "Let's be friends." "Best friends."

Have you ever met people that you clicked with instantly?

It doesn't happen often with me. Not because I don't like people. Despite how ingoing (I think I just made up that word, and I hope you understand what I mean) I am, I honestly am the type of person who likes everyone she meets. Only after spending quite a bit of time with someone will I start to recognize things that don't necessarily jive with me. If only I were more outgoing, I'd be one of those people who never knows a stranger. I already feel that way internally, it just doesn't translate outwardly.

So like I was saying, that doesn't happen often with me. Because I'm so clammed up and awkward. So when it does happen, I get really excited.

I just spent a few hours talking to some people who fit that category. Our general locations were Florida, Indiana, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Wisconsin, but thanks to the Internet and a wonderful service called Skype we were able to have a big group chat. Kinda like the old party lines on the telephone, only this allows your neighborhood to extend much further than a few miles. There was lots of laughing amongst us. Many stories shared. It felt like a family reunion. But not one of those awkward ones where you don't know anyone except the people you came with and your grandmother, you know? Or am I the only one who has those?

Surprisingly enough, all of these people were people whom I first communicated with over the Internet. The part of the Internet occupied by the band downhere's message boards, to be specific. Only two of the ones in the conversation tonight have I met in person, and two of them I had not audibly talked to before tonight. Introvert that I am, I never thought I would get along so well with people I met on the Internet. Conceptually, it's a strange phenomenon.

But maybe that's a big part of the reason that I connect so well with them. People have a tendency to abandon pretense when communicating over the Internet, so you get a lot of honestly and are able to get to know them in a way that doesn't often happen when meeting face to face. We also seem to have a lot in common. Most obviously, we're the kind of people who can easily spend a lot of time on the Internet. Not everyone can do that. Also obviously, we share musical tastes, at least in part, because we like the same band. And in reality, "like" is too much of an understatement.

Most of all, though, I think what connects us is something deeper, something that defines each of our lives. Simply stated, that is Jesus. For people who have never had this experience, I can't properly explain it to you, but if you have, you'll know what I'm talking about: no matter how well our personalities have or have not matched, when I meet someone whose heart has been captured and changed by Jesus, I can tell, and I feel a bond immediately. It's an experience unlike any other I've had.

So with all this in common, and our willingness to fully accept all of our various eccentricities, when we get together, you'd think we grew up together, or lived with each other, or something.

People like these are special. If you have relationships like these, hold on to them.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Searching....

If you like violent movies, scary movies, bloody movies, or any other forms of entertainment along those lines, and you are reading this, please do not feel like I am attacking you. In what I am about to say, I am only presenting my point of view. I do not pretend to understand all of the reasons why people may like certain things. I only know what I see and think, and this is a presentation of just that.

Escalated violence, blood, horror, those things do not appeal to me. Even fake-looking things, because those fake-looking things represent something real. The idea of being entertained by these things is something that I cannot wrap my mind around. I have tried. Maybe I haven't tried so much to find entertainment in them, but more something valuable. Like an important lesson. But I have yet to find that valuable something in 99% of the cases.

The world is messy. The world is scary. The world is dangerous. The world is often ugly. I find evidence of this every day and I do not promote the idea of hiding reality. We don't need to live in a state of illusion.

I think those extreme horrors should be left in the world, though. There are plenty of them, real ones, already in existence. It's hard enough to stomach them when we encounter them in our lives and the lives of the people around us, what is the purpose in creating more?

I think that we should constantly be seeking good. We shouldn't ignore the bad when it comes to our attention and deny its existence, but there really is no need to go out looking for it. It makes itself known of its own accord. The good is often harder to spot. And the good is what is worth striving for. Art, then, should be a representation of good. I'm not saying that there can't within art exist a struggle. If there was no struggle, the point would be lost. How can good triumph if there is nothing for it to triumph over? But I don't go to art to get a full picture of the despair of the world. The world gives me a sufficient picture of the despair found within it, and it is therefore enough that art acknowledges its existence without having to display every gruesome detail. I can fill in the blanks. But like I have already said, good stuff is harder to find most of the time. Art reminds me that there is good, and it helps me to train my senses to better be able to find it in the world around me.

It seems to me most of the time that my thinking is in the minority. Maybe I'm just ultra sensitive. Maybe the majority of the population out there doesn't find themselves daily struggling beneath the weight of the horror and tragedy in the world. Maybe they're able to deal with it better. Maybe good things aren't so hard for them to find. Or maybe they're even more depressed than I've ever been, and don't know what to do about it. I really don't know.

What I do know is right now I feel a heavy burden of sadness over the tragic things of the world, and I need to be reminded that that's not all there is.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

"It's so good to know I've got a friend like you."

Friends. They're grand creatures.

They're always good for a laugh, for a frenzy of fun. They can put a smile on your face quicker than you can say, "Bob's your uncle." And they can inspire you to do things that you would otherwise not do, like say "Bob's your uncle."

They're also great for having serious conversations. Conversations of depth, about important things you don't usually talk to just anybody about. Life-changing conversations that don't seem life-changing at the time, but once you look back on them years later you realize just how much they shaped how you have lived.

They make your heart content, and your life rich and full. They make you look beyond yourself, and learn how to give of yourself just like Jesus, the greatest friend I've ever found. They teach you more about love the more time you spend with them.

I thank God for my friends.

Monday, March 1, 2010

I [don't] wanna talk about me.

"I don't want to care about earthly things
Be caught up in all the lies
That trick my eyes
They say it's all about me
I'm so tired of it being about me"


The quotation above is from the song "Disappear" by Bebo Norman, and it sums up how I've been feeling lately.

I spend most of my every day thinking about school. When I'm not in class, there's usually always several hours worth of work for me to do on any given day. I feel like I have tunnel vision.

And I feel like I'm neglecting everyone. I only spend a little time with my family, and time with friends is even more rare, because I'm always sequestering myself somewhere to try to get my work done. I spend as much time online as I do because it's a way for me to connect with people. Because I don't have hours to be giving to people every day, it's nice that in a few minutes I can find out what kind of day someone is having and something interesting that's happening in their life. I really wish I had hours I could spend with people every day, because that would be immensely better.

Every day, forefront on my mind is what do I need to do? Or just as frequently, I really don't want to do this. Either way, I am on my mind. I take up my own time, energy and attention.

I really don't like that.

But I don't know what else to do. If I'm not constantly thinking what do I need to do, then my work wouldn't get done, and I've not yet come to the place where I'm willing to give my work any less priority. Although it is tempting. My only consolation is that I should be done in a year.

I look forward to a time when I don't have a long list of deadlines every day. Even when I do have a long list of deadlines, I'll still be happy if those deadlines are for other people, and not the same self-serving things I do all the time now.

That's the greatest critique I have of formal education, immersing yourself in it that is: everything is always all about you. What do you think, what can you learn, what can you achieve. It's tiresome. And not recommended for everybody in every situation.