On fandom.

What's on my mind tonight?.........

I am slowly becoming a poster child for Centricity Music.

Part of me is excited and amused by this, and says, "Give me more stuff! Why stop at poster? Let's go for billboard!"

The other part me says, "Okay, now...isn't enough enough?" and wonders what in the world I am turning into.

Evidence of this transformation: I am currently listening to my Centricity Music playlist, which includes every song I own from any artist on that label. I listen to it often. On my last few roadtrips, the vast majority of the music I picked to listen to was from Centricity, much to the annoyed amusement of my exasperated brother. The book I use as a planner where I write all of my school assignments is a Centricity notebook. There is currently a tube sitting on my desk with a big Centricity label on it, in which they recently shipped a nice poster to me. And that's not to mention the artist merchandise I have, mostly of downhere and Jason Gray.

I don't know why I feel any different about this than, say, Disney, merchandise of which I have always had my fair share, particularly Winnie-the-Pooh. For example, just glancing around my room, I see Pooh Bear's face about three times, and were I to look more carefully, I'm sure I'd find more of him. That has never struck me as odd, nor has it made me wonder about myself. Why the difference?

Maybe because you're supposed to be a fan of Disney. And at the core of the company are characters, that's what drives them, what they are centered around, or at least what their face looks like. And it's alright to go goofy about a character. (No pun intended, but certainly appreciated.) But music...with music, there are no characters to hide behind. There are just the people who make it. And as crazy as I have become about downhere, for instance, I've always been kind of uncomfortable about being a fan of a person. Because it seems way too easy to get carried away and start making the person out to be more than a person. Appreciation can quickly lead to idolization, and there's only one person I want to idolize.

On top of that, these aren't some world-famous people, who have the paparazzi following them everywhere, and people trying to get a lock of their hair to sell on eBay. It might make a little more sense if they were celebrities. But in the grand scheme of things, they're only a little more well-known than me. And regardless of celebrity, I've talked to these people. Being a fan of someone you don't know is different than being a fan of someone you do know. I mean, not many people go around telling everyone they know how great their neighbor is. Whatever the reason may be, it seems much more natural to be a fan of someone you don't know.

And so I'm questioning myself. I question myself often. Have I taken things too far? Part of me says, "If you have to ask that question, then yes, you most certainly have." But the other part points out that maybe I'm just being aware and keeping myself from getting carried away. That latter description tends to be more like me. I have a track record of keeping myself so reigned in that I can't move.

But really, doesn't it make more sense to promote people you do know, whom you know firsthand to have something worthy of sharing with the world? Especially if that something is THE most important thing to share with the world. That's my way of thinking. And as much as I may talk about Centricity, talk to me long enough and you'll probably hear me say just as much about my brother. Either one of them. Or any other member of my family. Or my best friend. I get just as excited when when sharing a memory of them. So I'm pretty sure my head is still screwed on straight.

Bring on the Centricity swag! I will proudly display it. And I will continue to blog about them every other entry, and mention them about every 5 tweets. And burn a lot of gas going to see their acts in concert. Because I really believe in what they're doing. And they're doing it well.

P.S. I promise you, they don't pay me a dime. And I'm not fishing for them to pay me a dime. I have paid them a dime or two. :-)

I had a speech dream. Or two.

I've often wondered if my dreams had any significance. Most of them have been either so epic, so bizarre, or both, that it would seem like there would be some kind of meaning. On top of that, I dream so frequently, my mind tends to think that there must be some purpose in something that happens so often.

But try as I might, I haven't been able to come up with anything. I have written down journals full of dreams, made careful mental notes trying to recognize a possible pattern that may resemble real life, and the only thing I've been able to notice is that often the subjects of my dreams are things on my mind when I go to sleep. But that's obvious and to be expected. I can't gather any deeper meaning out of that.

But things changed recently. This semester I am taking Fundamentals of Communication, which is essentially a speech class. We had to give a short introductory speech the second week of class. Overwhelmed procrastinator that I am, I was going to bed two days before I had to give the speech, and I kept repeating in my mind "I have got to write that speech tomorrow." I had a very vague idea of what I was going to say, but no details and no structure. That night, I dreamed that I was writing my speech, and when I got up the next day, I knew most of the details of what I was going to say, and how I was going to structure it all. All thanks to my dream. If only I could do that with all of my other homework assignments.

I'm gearing up for another speech, and by this past Friday I was supposed to have my topic e-mailed to my professor. Friday night I went to bed thinking, "Tomorrow I must focus and find a topic for this speech." I woke up the next morning, remembering what I had just dreamed, and I thought, "That's my speech topic."

So for the first time in my life, twice in a short period of time, both relating to a speech I have to give, my dreams have had some purpose. It's neat and little strange all at the same time.

Hopeful.

This week has been.....trying. So trying in fact that other people (or at least one other person) noticed something was up. I'm usually pretty good at being fairly unreadable, particularly when negative emotions are involved. It's not that I don't want people to know when something's troubling me, it's that I don't like to play up anything negative. If anybody asks me how I'm doing, I'll be honest and not say, "Everything's great!" but I don't want to go around acting all mopey or anything.

But sometimes I can't conceal what's bothering me, as was the case Wednesday night. My mom, brother, and I stood outside of the Walnut House after our church meeting for a long time talking to a couple from our church, and he (the male half of the couple) came over to me after I don't know how long and asked me what was wrong. From my perspective I was coming across like I was perfectly normal, so my first though was, "Is it really that obvious?" Apparently it was. So I told him. I'm in class 19 hours a week, I'm having a problem getting all of my homework done, I don't sleep enough at night, and fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon every time I start trying to do my homework, which makes it even harder to get my homework done...basically I'm stressed and overwhelmed. I'm still surprised he picked up on that. I'm thinking that either it was the Holy Spirit, or it was so obvious that everyone around me noticed and he was just the only one to speak up. I'm going to go with the former.

That night was good for me. It was encouraging, and helped me get my mind off of everything for a little while. There are some exciting things in the works in my church and I'm eager to see what God's doing in our little community and in our city. It was also good to connect with people. I have been so isolated lately. And the body of Christ is so encouraging. I needed to be in that environment. Although I was still drowning in homework and falling asleep over my books, it made a difference in the rest of the week. My outlook was slightly less bleak.

I've knocked out a bunch of work this weekend. And I'm hoping that if I can get caught up on everything, I'll better be able to stay on top of what I need to do. I've had so much going on in and out of school since the beginning of September that I've been behind almost since the first day of class. Not cool. I'm praying that that trend does not continue through the rest of the semester.

It always seems that when I'm feeling particularly low, God sends something along to pick me up. Wednesday was a particularly trying day, and that night a few of his precious people lifted my spirit. I've also been lamenting the fact that I've barely been singing lately, and just tonight, I was asked to sing at church in the morning. With a mic. I haven't done that in ages. I'm excited! Not because I'm going to have a mic in my hand and all the people get to see and hear me because I'm something special. It's because God has given me the ability and I love getting to use it. On top of that, it's affirming to me whenever others recognize that same gift and help to provide opportunities for me to use it. And I know it's all not all about affirming me, but it's good to know that I'm not just making something up, making myself out to have something that I don't really have. I tend to question myself, which is good and bad. It's definitely not healthy to be overconfident, but the other extreme is not good either. I struggle with finding a balance.

And so I am writing this tonight feeling hopeful. I'm still going to class 19 hours a week and am wondering how I'm going to fit everything in and manage to keep my head on straight, but it's not weighing down on me like it was. For this I am grateful.

Happy packages and Emily's Favorite Things #4

The last time I blogged about Jason Gray, I mentioned his then forthcoming album and the fact that I hoped I would be getting it. Well, I did. I pre-ordered it the day before it released, and bought the deluxe edition package which included the special edition of the album, a t-shirt, and a custom music box that plays a sample of one of the songs from the album.

The eagerly awaited package came about a week ago, and I was more than excited! But there was a small damper put on that excitement when I got the package open, because the music box was not there. Sad day. I mentioned my small woes on Twitter and Jason Gray himself saw it and notified his label. His label then contacted me and started trying to get the problem figured out. And today my missing music box was in the mailbox! I was giddy. And very grateful to Jason and Rebekah for helping to resolve the problem. The Internet never ceases to amaze me. And I live in it.

But wait...there's more. I received another package in the mail today. On Monday...I think....I located a certain DVD on Amazon that I really wanted to get and I decided to buy it. The DVD is a downhere documentary called "While The World Is Asleep," and although it was released in 2004, I have yet to see it. Which is unacceptable. But I am about to remedy that, because it also came in the mail today and despite the fact that I need to either be sleeping right now, cleaning, doing homework, or any number of other things, I am going to watch it!

As you can see, today was an exciting one in my world. Downhere and Jason Gray goodies in the mail all in one day! It was so exciting in fact, that I made a video.

Enjoy.

Anything you can do, I can do better.

Summary of a conversation between my youngest brother and I this afternoon:

Brother: You're silly.
Me: No, you're silly.
- No, you're silly.
- No, you are sillier than I am.
- No, you're sillier.
- No, you are far sillier.
- No, you are.
- I have evidence that you are sillier than I am.
- What evidence?
- Lots of evidence. Really good evidence.
- I have evidence that you are sillier.
- My evidence is better.
- No, my evidence is better.
- My evidence is the best.
- Mine is.
- No, my evidence is the best there is. It's far greater than yours.
- No, my evidence is better.
- No, mine is.
- Well, I'm better at video games.
- *makes scoffing noise* I beg to differ.
- I am.
- I've been playing video games much longer than you. Longer than you've been alive.
- I know. But I'm still better. I'm better at Zelda.
- I don't think so.
- Yes, I am.
- No, I'm the champion.....hey, do you wanna play tennis?
- .........sure.

And so we played tennis on our borrowed Wii. And he won one tournament....while I won three. I think it's clear who's better at video games. But one question remains....who's sillier?


P.S. A short while before this conversation took place, he and I had an impromptu dance party while listening to Greg Long's "Jesus Saves." We got down like nobody's business. And then we played with little plush wolves, which eventually led to us throwing them at each other. Kids are amazing.

School's in session!

It's been an entire week since my last post! This time I can't use the excuse of having been away from home, because I wasn't. Aside from a short excursion last weekend, I've been in Murfreesboro the whole time. But life has kept me away from the blogging world. So this is my obligatory update.

A lot has happened in the past week. I started school on Monday. I am again taking a rather large load, and this semester I have not one, but two, English classes. That being my chosen field of study, it was bound to happen at some point. I actually anticipate taking even more than two simultaneously in the future. And what that basically means is that I have to write a lot. Good thing I like to write.

I mentioned in a recent blog that my brother was going to start classes this fall, too. And so has. And that has been consuming a lot of my time as well. I've been helping him try to figure out what's going on and make sure he has everything he needs. I am like a mother hen, so even if he had not asked, I would have tried to give him my help and advice anyway. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, he has class before I do, and so I've been getting up extra early to ride to school with him. I would have taken my bike, and let him take the car on his own, but I had no way to lock it up. So I've been getting up at 6:00 (5:30 today) so that I had time to get ready. Thus I've been sleep deprived as well as uber busy.

If that's not enough school craziness, there's more. Apparently the education bug has been going around the Harmon house, because my dad decided to go back to school, too!! This is his third time in. It was a very last minute decision, so this week he's been trying to figure everything out, and he officially got registered yesterday. He's missed a few days of classes, but not too much. He went to his first couple of classes today. While I haven't been mothering him like I have my brother, I have been helping him with a few things. He went to MTSU when I was a kid, but a lot has changed since then, particularly with the advent of the Internet. I've been giving him tutorials on how everything works. I'm excited for him! Next year, he'll finally be graduating with his first undergraduate degree. With a double major. He's brilliant, and I'm glad he's getting back into this environment. Oh, and speaking of my dad relating to the Internet, he's on Facebook now! Which has meant more tutorial sessions. I was sitting beside him when he registered and I was shocked. He's never talked about getting a Facebook or anything else of the sort before. He probably just wants to check up on what I'm doing. ;-) So if you want to keep up with him, go be his friend.

I usually take everything in stride, but to be honest, all the stuff got to me this week. By Tuesday night, I about lost it. While so much of my life is disorganized and I don't give much thought to it, with school I need to be organized. At least a little bit. I try my best to be as organized as I can before school starts, but after the first couple of days, there's always more that needs to be done to get everything in order. And by Tuesday night, I had been able to do relatively nothing to get myself organized. And I had homework I had not yet done, that was due the next day. I felt so completely lost. And like I mentioned before, I've been sleep deprived. Over the summer, I had become accustomed to getting much more than an average of 5 hours of sleep on a regular basis. And those first couple of short nights really messed me up. I walked around for two or three days this week threatening to either cry, pull my hair out, or fall asleep at any given moment. Oh, and I've had these mosquito bites all over me. Usually I'm pretty good about not scratching too much, but when I'm stressed and so distracted that I can't focus on making myself resist the itch, it's pretty hopeless. So I've also been clawing myself on top of everything else. In situations like these, it's a good thing I have virtually no finger nails.

As you can see, this week has been crazy. But I'm happy to say I have survived. And now that I am in a much more stable frame of mind, I am grateful for all the things in my life that are contributing to the busyness. It has helped that I've gotten myself organized, and I have a way to lock up my bike now, so for the next little while at least, I'll be able to get some more sleep. And the fact that I have a three-day weekend helps, too. I'm praying that my next week of school, while still guaranteed to be busy, won't be quite as chaotic. And I'm thankful for the grace that has gotten me through this week.