Hopeful.

This week has been.....trying. So trying in fact that other people (or at least one other person) noticed something was up. I'm usually pretty good at being fairly unreadable, particularly when negative emotions are involved. It's not that I don't want people to know when something's troubling me, it's that I don't like to play up anything negative. If anybody asks me how I'm doing, I'll be honest and not say, "Everything's great!" but I don't want to go around acting all mopey or anything.

But sometimes I can't conceal what's bothering me, as was the case Wednesday night. My mom, brother, and I stood outside of the Walnut House after our church meeting for a long time talking to a couple from our church, and he (the male half of the couple) came over to me after I don't know how long and asked me what was wrong. From my perspective I was coming across like I was perfectly normal, so my first though was, "Is it really that obvious?" Apparently it was. So I told him. I'm in class 19 hours a week, I'm having a problem getting all of my homework done, I don't sleep enough at night, and fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon every time I start trying to do my homework, which makes it even harder to get my homework done...basically I'm stressed and overwhelmed. I'm still surprised he picked up on that. I'm thinking that either it was the Holy Spirit, or it was so obvious that everyone around me noticed and he was just the only one to speak up. I'm going to go with the former.

That night was good for me. It was encouraging, and helped me get my mind off of everything for a little while. There are some exciting things in the works in my church and I'm eager to see what God's doing in our little community and in our city. It was also good to connect with people. I have been so isolated lately. And the body of Christ is so encouraging. I needed to be in that environment. Although I was still drowning in homework and falling asleep over my books, it made a difference in the rest of the week. My outlook was slightly less bleak.

I've knocked out a bunch of work this weekend. And I'm hoping that if I can get caught up on everything, I'll better be able to stay on top of what I need to do. I've had so much going on in and out of school since the beginning of September that I've been behind almost since the first day of class. Not cool. I'm praying that that trend does not continue through the rest of the semester.

It always seems that when I'm feeling particularly low, God sends something along to pick me up. Wednesday was a particularly trying day, and that night a few of his precious people lifted my spirit. I've also been lamenting the fact that I've barely been singing lately, and just tonight, I was asked to sing at church in the morning. With a mic. I haven't done that in ages. I'm excited! Not because I'm going to have a mic in my hand and all the people get to see and hear me because I'm something special. It's because God has given me the ability and I love getting to use it. On top of that, it's affirming to me whenever others recognize that same gift and help to provide opportunities for me to use it. And I know it's all not all about affirming me, but it's good to know that I'm not just making something up, making myself out to have something that I don't really have. I tend to question myself, which is good and bad. It's definitely not healthy to be overconfident, but the other extreme is not good either. I struggle with finding a balance.

And so I am writing this tonight feeling hopeful. I'm still going to class 19 hours a week and am wondering how I'm going to fit everything in and manage to keep my head on straight, but it's not weighing down on me like it was. For this I am grateful.