Randimity.

This is going to be very disjointed. I've been thinking about a lot of things and can't find a way to tie them together. So don't expect a clear beginning, a journey, and a clear ending. There won't be one. The title of this is dedicated to my friend Amy. She made up that word. It basically means "randomness" but it's so much cooler. And it describes this post very well.

I'm ready to leave for camp now. But if I did, the only people there would be Wayne and Betty, the caretakers, and I don't need to hang around them and eat up their food for three weeks. It would be rude. Packing would satisfy my itch, but again, I have three weeks. This would be way too early. And I would have nothing to wear, because my whole wardrobe would be in a suitcase, and I wouldn't want to take anything out, because then I'd have to pack it again. That would defeat the purpose. The best I was able to do today was start making a list of things that I need to pack. And then that inspired a list of things I need to buy for my trip, which I will then pack once I have bought them. Lists always inspire more lists.

In thinking about camp, I remembered something I haven't done yet that I told myself right after camp last summer that I had to do before camp rolled around this summer. A whole year of putting it off. How's that for procrastination? What I didn't do was write down topics for small group discussions. I never know exactly for sure what I'm going to do before I get there, but I'm pretty certain that I am going to be assigned a group of girls that I will get together with every night. Last year, I was not prepared for that. Every night, I had no idea what to talk about. My best friend Brenna was my co-leader, and she was just as lost as I was. And I felt so bad about it. I feel like I let the girls down, because I was not being a good, engaging leader, and they all looked so bored. This year, I will not let that happen. Well, I won't let myself not be prepared. I can try my best to make sure they're not bored and they actually get something out of our time together every night, but they have the final say on that. So I have to get busy coming up with a week's worth of things to talk about. Which means I really need to do some serious brain storming, Bible studying, and praying. I already have a couple of things in mind, so I need to organize my thoughts and make some notes on those things first. I've been thinking recently that I need to spend more time with God and do more serious Bible study and now I have even more reason.

I've been contemplating reactions to emotions. Mine, specifically. My one, all-purpose reaction to every strong emotion is to cry. Which is why I cry so much; to feel is to cry in my case. This is incredibly inconvenient more often than not. I start to cry over the weirdest things, in the weirdest places. And when I'm with people, I often fear that they misunderstand my crying. It usually seems like I'm really upset, when I'm not. And I feel like I have to explain myself, but I can't because I'm blubbering too much. It's a big mess.

I am so cheap. No. Not that kind of cheap. I never buy anything. And when I say "never" I'm obviously exaggerating as I am prone to do and mean "very rarely." Spending money is almost like pulling teeth. (See there, I said "almost." I really do try to temper my exaggerating.) "Impulse buying" is a foreign concept in my world. It's something that I've come close to, and even tried once or twice, but immediately backed away from because it wasn't to my liking. Spending money without thinking can get you into trouble. I always feel much better about purchases when I have carefully considered them first. But I came close to reaching over to the dark side this evening at Wal-Mart. I looked in this bin of books, and they had several classics sitting there, classics that I've been wanting to read for ages, for only $3. And they were the complete versions, not abridged nonsense or children's adaptations or anything like that. It was so, so tempting. I haven't bought a book in a rather long time. I usually appreciate my discipline, but there are times, such as this one, that I feel like a miserly curmudgeon. I keep reminding myself that I will appreciate this decision later. And if I do go back to buy them, I will feel much better about it, because I was able to walk away, and I thought about it first.

A lot happened today, as you may be able to tell. I was all over the place. This is just a small sampling.