Circles.

I feel the need to write....

But I don't know what to say....

Because I don't know what to think....

My mind seems to be jumbled and void at the same time....

I don't know what to feel either, except for the need to write....

And to cry....

I'm overcome with this feeling that I need to cry. But I don't know the reason. And I can't make myself cry for no reason, I can't just conjure up tears and force them to stream from my eyes. There has to be something to trigger them....

I'm searching for that something....

But I can't seem to find it....

Or maybe it's that I won't let myself find it....

You see, I'm having trouble going to sleep again, and I'm afraid to do anything that I think might keep me awake longer. My head says, "You should listen to music," but I can't listen to music because 1.) if it's the kind of music that's just background noise then it's not doing anything to distract my mind (which I usually need on occasions like this) and I will soon tire of it because it's just noise, and 2.) if it's music that's engaging, that I won't tire of, then my mind will be aroused and a fresh wave of energy will flow through my veins and I'll be worse off than when I started. And for that latter reason, there a multitude of other things I dare not do. Like study, which I am inclined to do when I feel like this. I'm even fearful of reading, afraid that a simple story will lead my mind to a far off place from where it won't want to return. I tell myself, "Now would be a good time to pray," but my mind is wandering so aimlessly that I can't keep it focused long enough to say anything, and all the thoughts are are meaningless pieces of debris that get me nowhere and after a short minute, in a fit of frustration, I want to get out of my head....

But I can't distract myself, remember? I'll get tired of that really quickly....

So if I can't get out of my head, I'll just make my mind a nicer place to be, I'll put meaningful thoughts into it....

No, I can't do that either....I'm supposed to go to sleep....

I'm stuck....

And therein lies my problem....

I'm so afraid of moving to a place I don't want to be, that I'm not moving at all, which is preventing me from moving to a place where I can have peace of mind and rest....

I don't know what to do....

So here I lie, writing....

Feeling like I just discovered something along the way, and yet still feeling just as lost as when I began....

What am I going to do?

I feel the need to write....