If one could be hired to be a spectator, I would be the one to soon be fired.

I'm coming to learn that I am not a good spectator.

I am constantly seeking for something to do. Even when I'm tired, and I feel like I need a break, my idea of a break is never go space out and don't do anything. It's more like go read a book, or go write, or go sing, all things which I find to be rewarding and fulfilling, and which are still active verbs.

But I don't often find myself crying out for much of a break. I go to school, I do homework, I drive, I do things with people, I cook, I bake, I get up early on the weekends, I go to concerts. It takes a lot for me to feel the need to slow down.

Whenever I do go to something that is meant to be for spectators, I usually spectacularly fail to live up to my end of the arrangement. Some good examples would be graduations and various types of ballgames. Most of the ones I've been to have been spent by me talking. Primarily with my brother. He and I are good at doing that when we're together. While we do try to pay attention to what's happening around us, we're certainly not engrossed. Our conversation is so much more interesting. It's often conversation about what's happening in front of our faces, so we're not ignoring everything completely. I would be lying, though, if I didn't admit that most of our conversation had absolutely nothing to do with what's going on around us. We find each other to be amusing, and often when points are scored, if it weren't for people cheering, I wouldn't have a clue. So if I come to your game, and you see me yapping, and you start trying to talk to me after the fact about an amazing play that happened in the last five minutes, and I seem to have no clue what you're talking about, now you will know why. I have nothing against you, and I promise I will sit there rooting for you.

The concert setting is another good example. That's one of the biggest areas in which my hyperactivity has been made evident to me. I love going to hear live music. Performers capture my attention. But I am not good at filling the role of ordinary concert-goer. I'm okay when the music's playing, but when it's not, I always want to be doing something, and I feel out of place when I'm not. It started when I was young. My concert promoter uncle often needed help at the shows he was putting together, and I was eager to assist. In more recent years, I've made friends with Jason Gray and the band downhere, and as many times as I go see them, I always offer my help. I've also become involved with World Vision through child sponsorship, and I see the great good they are doing, so whenever there's a concert around where they're going to be, and they need volunteers to stand at the table and talk to people about sponsoring a child, then I make an effort to be there.

All of this has resulted in me being ancy whenever I go to a show and I have no responsibility for doing anything. I always still enjoy myself, but something just doesn't feel right, and I have a habit of looking around for even the slightest thing that I can do. If ever I find nothing, I tend to start picking up trash from the floor. (Actually, I tend to do that anyway. Garbage being anywhere but in the garbage can where it belongs is one of my biggest pet peeves. It drives me up the wall.) It's bad. I can't remember the last time I went to a concert and did nothing. There have been several lately that have threatened to be nights of spectating only, but I, of course, couldn't have that, and found at least one small thing to do before I left the premises.

And now it's 12:40 AM and I need to tell myself to stop and go to bed. I have to get up in a few hours. About five. And I have a theory test tomorrow. And Tuesday is my longest day. But there's so much I could be doing!

Go to bed, Emily!

Alright, then. If you insist.