Distraction

Here's what's on my mind right now....


Music. Big surprise there. Spend any amount of time with me, and even if you don't pick up on my obsession, I'm certain that you will at least gather that I like music. Or that I am musically inclined in some fashion. It's just such a big part of who I am, that, as cryptic as I may be most of the time, it can't stay hidden from other people's knowledge for long.

And just when I think it couldn't possibly consume more of my time, thoughts, and attention, I'm proven wrong. As time passes, it's increasingly all I want to do, listen to music, make music, study it. It's like an urgent need. And I also see it playing a larger role in my future more and more.

As I'm considering this, my analytical/critical self says, "It's just because you're under stress, and trying to distract yourself. You'd rather be singing than writing papers and studying for tests, and so you're avoiding what you don't want to do." She has a point. There's constantly something to do, and I spend a lot of my time trying to make sure that I stay my laid-back, relaxed self, and keep what little bit of a life I have. And if that means doing all of my homework the night before it's due, and turning in assignments that are less polished than what I am capable of producing in favor of spending time with my family and friends, and doing things that I enjoy, then so be it. For better or worse, I have chosen to not let academics take over my life completely.

Maybe that's irresponsible of me. Maybe I should have the attitude that if I'm going to do it at all, I should do my best, and devote myself completely. Maybe I should become a live-in at the library, say good-bye to people for a while, separate myself from the Internet unless I'm doing research, and stop participating in/letting myself be entertained by music. Because all of those things (save the library) really are distracting from school work. And why am I going to school, if I'm not going to be serious about it?

But I think I am serious about it. And taking those measures seems to be a bit extreme. Even though I have thought about them a lot. Because as much as I don't want to give up everything to academics, I also don't want to have things in my life that are nothing but distraction. I want to be committed to school. And I want what I do to have importance and purpose beyond postponing me having to think about how to tell you what I ate for dinner in German and how Transcendentalism applies to the works of Edgar Allan Poe. So if music is serving to be nothing but an appealing distraction, then I should look away.

But I honestly don't think that's all it is. I really believe that God has put it within me. And he's slowly showing me how it's supposed to fit into my life. That as well studying English. I'm still eagerly anticipating the day when it will all click, and I will finally be able to say, "Oh! That's why I went to school for four years and studied what I did." That day may not come until the day I die, but I'm keeping my eyes pealed.

As soon as school is behind me, perhaps I can further explore the world of music. For right now, I'm just praying for what I need to make it through the next three semesters. And this one, too. I have a big paper due Thursday, a presentation the following Monday, a speech the following Tuesday, and another big paper the following Wednesday. Not counting finals, which start the following Friday. Which brings up an excellent point. Why am I blogging?