"I panicked inside and decided to hide."

I've been thinking a lot lately about something I heard/read Jason Gray say recently.

I'm pretty sure it was him. I can't remember where it was. I am pretty certain I read it.

If I remember correctly, he was remembering a time in his life when he was struggling with the idea of growing in his relationship with God, because he knew that God's heart is for people, and if he becomes more like God, he'd have to serve people. I think that was the gist of it. And he didn't like that idea. Because people are draining. They're broken and messy and needy, and their problems are just too much.

I know what he means. I've noticed increasingly in myself recently this huge weight on my heart for people. I see things all the time that sadden me so much more than they did in the past. And I'm much more conscious of other people, picking up on little clues about they feel, and noticing subtleties of their personalities, and finding them all to be so fascinating. I can trace this turn back to a specific point in my life. A point that was quite revolutionary for me. A point....the point where I seriously jumped into this following/living with/getting to know Jesus thing. I didn't have enough foresight to know what all it would entail...or to even know the one detail that Jason noticed, even though all the evidence was leading to that conclusion.

And that's the way it should be. Otherwise there would be no room for faith. And I imagine we'd all run away and hide, because to know the full brevity of what we're getting ourselves into would overwhelm us. The people alone would do the job, I think. Because people really are messy. And very, very needy. And for someone like me, who thrives on secluding myself on a regular basis, the call to be out amongst my fellows, doing what I can to love them, can seem like a challenge I don't want to face.

But thankfully it's not my challenge to face. Not alone. God is the one that gives those people what they need. He just wants me, and everyone else, to get up and go, in his name, and he provides us with the strength and wisdom and whatever else may be required to give to those people. I see it happen in me all the time. Just when I think I can't do it, I end up leaving with a smile on my face, wondering, yet again, at the greatness of God. If we could keep this fact in perspective, God could probably lay everything that walking with him would entail out in front of us, and then we could get really excited about the incredible things he's going to do. But we can't ever seem to do that, so he wisely keeps things on a need-to-know basis. I don't usually like surprises, but his are exceptions.

Even if Jason Gray wasn't the one that said that, I'm certain someone did. I don't normally imagine things like that. Hopefully I'm giving credit to the right person. Because I was struck by that insight, and amused once again at us silly humans. Staying away from God because you're afraid of people is humorous. And sad at the same time.

Such is life.