Mom? I know I don't say it very often, but you were always my hero. When I was a little girl, I always wanted to grow up and be just like you. You've made me the woman I am today. You're the greatest mom anyone could ask for. I love you! *mom and daughter embrace and soak each other with tears*
I mean, how much more sappy can you get? Really? And how much better can you describe me? I live in the land of daisies and sunflowers, and daily drink in the sunshine and fresh springwater. Like the nursery rhyme goes, "sugar, spice and everything nice." That's what I seem to be made of.
Not only do I give it careful consideration before I post it, but I also analyze what I write, what I say on Facebook, what I tweet for the world to see, long after I throw it out for other eyes to consume. And so much of the time, somewhere during the process of conception to post-review, I think something along the lines of, "Wow. Disney should make me a castmember now. I sound like Giselle. I could make any kid who walks through those gates believe that Minnie Mouse really does live in that house, and Cinderella indeed does reside in that castle, and that the three of us are going to have tea tomorrow and solve all the world's problems before dinner."
Here are some examples of recent tweets from Twitter and status updates on Facebook. Pay attention to the subject matter, the tone, and the words I use:
But sometimes I'm pretty sure I've convinced myself that I live in a storybook. I smile at the simplest things. A few months ago, there was a guy at Wal-Mart who came by me pushing a buggy and making train sounds (chooo, chooo!) under his breath, and I'm pretty sure I smiled for at least half an hour. That one brief moment made my week. And in remembering it now, I am smiling again.
But perhaps even more telling, I also seem to come across many instances in which I have to be told that something is a problem. I'm going along feeling like everything's alright, and then someone comes in and says, "Well, that's not good," and I'm thinking, "Really? What's not good about it?" And once I am informed, I feel really dumb. Why did I not see it? Why in the world did I not think that living without running water for 13 months was a terrible thing? Of course it is. I'm just really dense. Here I am enjoying the fact that I can sing the song the village girl from Jungle Book sang about fetching water, and actually fetch water while I'm doing it, when instead I should be asking, "Why me?" and rueing each moment I spend carrying a 5-gallon bucket.
See? If that last bit doesn't make me sound like Cinderella, I don't know what does. Why do I not want to sound like I was raised in a storybook? I don't know. I love storybooks! And Disney movies. And children's music. And VeggieTales. And hearts. And rainbows. And flowers. And my mama and daddy. And little kids. So what's my problem?
My problem is I feel defensive. Because I don't like stereotypes. So I'm trying to fight a stereotype of complete, pure, positive, innocent, sweetness.
Because I also like the Haunted Mansion. And The Nightmare Before Christmas. And sarcasm. And heavy metal. And pirates.
But who cares what people think? And is it really so bad to be described as "sweet?" No. It's actually a good thing. I have spent much of my life far less depressed and dissatisfied than a lot of people. I'm just too sensitive. I have to get over all those times I was taunted with the word "perfect" as a child, and all the times people wouldn't talk to me in fear that I would look down on them.
I just need to be myself, rainbows, Jack Skellington, and all. And if I sound like a Hallmark greeting card one minute and then Severus Snape the next, so be it.
Not only do I give it careful consideration before I post it, but I also analyze what I write, what I say on Facebook, what I tweet for the world to see, long after I throw it out for other eyes to consume. And so much of the time, somewhere during the process of conception to post-review, I think something along the lines of, "Wow. Disney should make me a castmember now. I sound like Giselle. I could make any kid who walks through those gates believe that Minnie Mouse really does live in that house, and Cinderella indeed does reside in that castle, and that the three of us are going to have tea tomorrow and solve all the world's problems before dinner."
Here are some examples of recent tweets from Twitter and status updates on Facebook. Pay attention to the subject matter, the tone, and the words I use:
"Thanking God for the gift of his Holy Spirit. And for the body of those in Christ. I am truly blessed."
"Good Sunday morning, friends! Missing the Thrifty Inn Church, but happy to go back to Hope this morning."
"Facebook chatting with one of my camp kids. She just made my eyes misty. I miss them."
"Emily Lynn Harmon thinks Sunday is the greatest day."
"About to go to work with my daddy. I haven't done this in a long time. We're going to paint!"
"Emily Lynn Harmon is listening to children's music. <3"
"I was awoken this morning by a chorus of little voices saying, 'Emmy, get up! We're having pancakes!' :-)"
"Morning! It's a beautiful day! @leslo96 and company should be here this afternoon and get to stay until Friday. Can't wait to see them!"
"Have I mentioned how much I love my school? Because I am quite fond of it, and I thought you'd like to know."
And all those are what came after me censoring myself, trying to not sound completely like I was raised in a storybook."Good Sunday morning, friends! Missing the Thrifty Inn Church, but happy to go back to Hope this morning."
"Facebook chatting with one of my camp kids. She just made my eyes misty. I miss them."
"Emily Lynn Harmon thinks Sunday is the greatest day."
"About to go to work with my daddy. I haven't done this in a long time. We're going to paint!"
"Emily Lynn Harmon is listening to children's music. <3"
"I was awoken this morning by a chorus of little voices saying, 'Emmy, get up! We're having pancakes!' :-)"
"Morning! It's a beautiful day! @leslo96 and company should be here this afternoon and get to stay until Friday. Can't wait to see them!"
"Have I mentioned how much I love my school? Because I am quite fond of it, and I thought you'd like to know."
But sometimes I'm pretty sure I've convinced myself that I live in a storybook. I smile at the simplest things. A few months ago, there was a guy at Wal-Mart who came by me pushing a buggy and making train sounds (chooo, chooo!) under his breath, and I'm pretty sure I smiled for at least half an hour. That one brief moment made my week. And in remembering it now, I am smiling again.
But perhaps even more telling, I also seem to come across many instances in which I have to be told that something is a problem. I'm going along feeling like everything's alright, and then someone comes in and says, "Well, that's not good," and I'm thinking, "Really? What's not good about it?" And once I am informed, I feel really dumb. Why did I not see it? Why in the world did I not think that living without running water for 13 months was a terrible thing? Of course it is. I'm just really dense. Here I am enjoying the fact that I can sing the song the village girl from Jungle Book sang about fetching water, and actually fetch water while I'm doing it, when instead I should be asking, "Why me?" and rueing each moment I spend carrying a 5-gallon bucket.
See? If that last bit doesn't make me sound like Cinderella, I don't know what does. Why do I not want to sound like I was raised in a storybook? I don't know. I love storybooks! And Disney movies. And children's music. And VeggieTales. And hearts. And rainbows. And flowers. And my mama and daddy. And little kids. So what's my problem?
My problem is I feel defensive. Because I don't like stereotypes. So I'm trying to fight a stereotype of complete, pure, positive, innocent, sweetness.
Because I also like the Haunted Mansion. And The Nightmare Before Christmas. And sarcasm. And heavy metal. And pirates.
But who cares what people think? And is it really so bad to be described as "sweet?" No. It's actually a good thing. I have spent much of my life far less depressed and dissatisfied than a lot of people. I'm just too sensitive. I have to get over all those times I was taunted with the word "perfect" as a child, and all the times people wouldn't talk to me in fear that I would look down on them.
I just need to be myself, rainbows, Jack Skellington, and all. And if I sound like a Hallmark greeting card one minute and then Severus Snape the next, so be it.
You rock, my friend :-)
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with enjoying life... praising God for the good things... loving those you love. I am grateful that you have been spared from some of the really difficult things in life. We all need the reminder that God is good and life is beautiful.
I, personally, do not take issue with the idea of being without electricity or water for a while. I grew up with Hurricanes! There are some things that are not worth worrying yourself over... and then there are things like loss, rape, abuse, and murder that should make us think and feel.
If you ever find yourself needing to feel something more than joy, don't be afraid to feel it, ok?
It's awesome to view life as a story. I can say with certainty that the world I experience is not the world that exists. Mostly in a good way. Of course, I generally keep a foot on the ground, which keeps me from being very spontaneous, but it's a lot of fun to travel the world while I"m at work, or while having my teeth drilled, lol. I love your posts!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Hannah. I know what you mean. I am much too practical to not keep at least one foot on the ground. I think my practicality is the only thing that keeps me from floating away. :-)
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you, too, Gina. I agree. There are much more important things to worry about than running water and electricity. When my parents told me that we were going to be moving somewhere with no running water I thought something along the lines of, "This is going to be interesting," and I still have fond memories of helping my brother carry water in. To be honest, I kind of miss it sometimes.
And I have felt a great deal of less joyful feelings. And as difficult as they are to feel, I know they have purpose and can work out to be good. I actually attribute much of the joyfulness I've been able to find to some times of serious depression. Good and bad go hand in hand here in the world, and the bad things make the good things that much better.