My not-so-good friend Sleep.

*Before I get to the topic at hand, I just had a wonderful chat with my dear friend, Brenna. We haven't seen each other in months and we just did some catching up. If things go as planned, we'll be seeing each other at the first of August, and I'm excited! Part of our conversation inspired this post, so, beside the fact that I'm tickled that I got to talk to her, that is why I mention her.*

Sleep and I have always had a weird relationship. From my earliest memories, I never wanted to go to bed. Even before I can remember. My mom has told me stories about how hard it was to get me to sleep. I fought it like it would kill me if I succumbed. Once I reached an age at which I was capable of being rational, I didn't fight it so much. I knew I needed to go to bed, but more than that, I knew I needed to obey my parents, and the number one priority in my mind growing up was to obey my parents. (Yeah, I was a weird kid. Quite the stick-in-the-mud.) But we were still not friends.

As I grew, it started getting harder for me to get to sleep. But I still turned out my lights in a timely manner every night, like a good little girl. I would just lie in the bed, staring into darkness, until the Sandman finally decided to come my way. It progressively got harder and harder for me to go to sleep, which made lying in the dark progressively more maddening. But I was disciplined, and despite going crazy, I contented myself with staring into darkness for at least an hour, usually more, every night.

Part of me, the part that intensely despised sleep and didn't care about going crazy, was perfectly fine with this. Who cared if I didn't sleep? I still got up when I needed to. It wasn't interfering with how I functioned. I got to have some super quiet, alone time every night. So really, other than going mad, there really was no drawback.

Once I "grew up," I lost my discipline, and decided to stay up, with the light on, and do things until I felt drowsy. Which was never. Or about any time after 3 AM. That was my freshman year of college. Between that and the million other things that happened during that time period, I got burnt out. Really, really burnt out. And for the first time in my life, I started thinking, "Why can't I go to sleep? I need to go to sleep!" I would cry at night, begging God to knock me out. How could I be so exhausted, yet not be able to sleep? I noticed the change in my attitude. I still wished deep down that I did not have to sleep. But I had come to realize just exactly how vital it was to my health, so I prayed for it consistently.

After that was when I took a year off from school, and I attempted to recover during that time. But I'm pretty sure I still haven't recovered fully. When I crashed that first year, I crashed hard, and I have had my head barely above water since then. During the two years since that most miserable time of my life, I would say that my sleeping habits are better overall. But still not anywhere near great. I still have the have the habits of an insomniac. Example A: as I'm typing this sentence, it's almost 1:30 AM. But it's summer, so that's to be expected. During my last school year, I managed to be in bed before midnight most nights. Because I was exhausted. And crashed every day. I became the Nap Queen. Even when I got a full night of sleep. I just wasn't able to keep up. And, not being a fan of sleep (which I still am not, even though I know how desperately I need it), I am also not a fan of naps. I have very ill feelings toward naps, to put it lightly. Not just because they involve sleep, but because they always make me feel terrible. I wake up feeling completely disoriented. But I couldn't seem to avoid them. (I still can't avoid them.) So that definitely did not (and still doesn't) make me happy.

The biggest question I have had over the years is, "How can I be so tired, and still manage to lie awake for hours?" All night, at times. It makes absolutely no sense. Like I said, my habits are slightly better, and I seem to be holding myself just barely above water, but I wonder sometimes about what my future is going to look like. If this coming school year looks anything like the one I just finished, I will start falling asleep in class at least once every other day, and will not be able to avoid a nap when I get home most days. And I will somehow make it through. But what about after school? I don't need to be falling asleep everyday when I'm at work, wherever work may be. But my body seems to think that night is when you stay awake and the day is when you should sleep. No. And how about when/if I have kids in the future? I don't need to fall asleep while they're discovering the box of crayons and proceeding to devour them (or any number of infinitely more terrible things that I don't want to think about). Getting sleep when you have kids is hard enough for people like my dad who can sleep on cue, I can only imagine how much harder it might be for insomniacs like me.

And there's also the health repercussions to consider. I can already tell that I have changed after my freshman year. I can't stay up all night like I used to and still be bright and alert the next day. If I stay up all night now, there is no me the next day. And I feel like my overall energy level is way lower than it was. I can't help but wonder what all might start failing in the not-so-distant future if I can't learn how to get some rest. At night. And not from 4 AM to noon, or while my professor is sharing important information I'll need for a test later.

Sleep, we need to learn how to get along. I need you. I wish that I didn't need you, but I do. And perhaps if I could somehow learn to not resent you, we might make some progress. Perhaps just tolerating you isn't enough.