Focus, Emily, focus.

One of the things in life that I usually think I do pretty well is shift my focus back to God. Any time I get sidetracked, I normally turn my attention back around pretty quickly. But although I claim that to be something I do well, I'm fallible. And I mess up. Even at something I do well.

That happened over the past several days. Life jumped up in my face like it has the tendency to do, and I got wrapped up in it: I fell down and quite seriously injured myself; spent two days at the doctor; schoolwork started coming in larger droves, and it got piled up because I missed school due to my injuries; I went to see my favorite band for the first time; not only that, I spent time making a card for the birthday of one of the members before I even went. And that's just to mention a few things.

As all this stuff jumped up at me, I got lost in all of it. I didn't read the Bible for a few days, which is something I haven't done in a really long time. I didn't spend quiet time with God. Didn't really pray. And I started to feel overwhelmed. There were several days in a row that I felt like I was on the verge of crying, but I couldn't cry. I kept expecting that I would, but I didn't. I always cry, so whenever I feel like crying and can't, it concerns me. I felt like I was falling apart and going insane, and I wondered what on God's rainbow earth was going on.

And then I realized to what I had been giving my attention. And what needed my attention, but wasn't getting it. I finally cried at that point. And apologized to God. And felt very small for about the millionth time in my life.

I carry a Bible around in my purse, so in keeping with the goal of redirecting my focus, while I was at school today I pulled it out and decided to read during a break between classes. I read both 1st and 2nd Peter. I didn't have any kind of time of intense study, I was just reading. But even in my somewhat passive intake of information, there was still one point where something hit me hard enough that I started crying right there on campus. Not any obvious weeping. Just a few tears stung my eyes and then disappeared as quickly as they came. I don't even remember now what it was that I read that caused that emotion in me. It was in 2 Peter 1, I'm pretty sure. I'll have to look later and refresh my memory.

But anyway, the point is I had a nice quiet time with God at school today. I read. And then just sat there and soaked in his presence and all the fullness of everything around me that he made. It was wonderful. And greatly needed. And I feel much better. My circumstances haven't changed - I'm still limping around, I still have a mountain of work to do, I'm still tired - but I'm okay. And life is good. Because God is good. And I will be fine. Even if I lost my ability to walk, or failed school. I do hope that never happens, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. And even if it was, the world isn't all there is, so that wouldn't be so bad.

I pray that I don't lose my focus so easily again. But if I do - which is highly likely, if not guaranteed - God will still be there. That's a comforting thought.