A record stuck in an excitement rut.

12 days until I graduate! Not that I'm counting or anything.

Along with this blog, I often have thoughts about wanting to post online in general more. Or at least improve the quality/content of what I post. Aside from varied demands on my time I have one other big hang-up that impedes this from happening.

Life is too spectacularly great. Or I'm too confoundedly happy. Or both.

Why is this a problem?

I suspect that I sound like a broken record. And I don't want to sound like a broken record.

Half of the things I invent to tweet, aside from being too meaningless even for Twitter, usually read something like this: "That makes me really happy."; or, "I'm loving life."; or, "Today was a good day."

For those who only see things from the outside, I promise my life is more than "sunshine, daisies, butter mellow," but I don't like spreading around negativity, nor do I usually have time enough to conjure up something more witty and compelling to say than, "I'm excited!"

But I think I do have a right to be excited. Perhaps. Aside from the unusual moments that come along in my life, my day-to-day living usually presents something to enjoy. My family makes me laugh. All the time. Especially my brothers. I'm not sure the average number of calories a person burns in a day or week, but I'd be willing to guess that my total is above average.

School also offers much to relish. The things I do in class are usually more than mildly interesting. Sometimes even extraordinarily interesting. Aside from that, the place is swarming with people. Highly populated areas always provide much to capture my attention. People-watching is one of my favorite pastimes. And I always seem to run across the most delightful persons.

I've often thought that cameras should follow me around. It's not that I'm seeking my own reality TV show (heaven forbid), but the funniest, most awkward, most entertaining things happen around me consistently. In the age of blogs and YouTube, it seems like a shame for the rest of the world to not have a chance to see it.

Added to all of this are things which come along that don't happen every day. Some of them happen more than others, and some truly are once-in-a-lifetime experiences. All of them are appreciated. Some recent examples are:

• My cousin and childhood best friend got married, and her husband happens to be another one of my best friends.
• I went to Wisconsin for the first time, the furthest north I have ever been, and caught my first glimpse of Chicago along the way.
• Several of my out-of-town friends have come for visits, and we've done lots of exploring and had many adventures on every occasion.
  
• After living in Nashville for 12 years, I went to the Opryland Hotel for the first time.
• I watched my dad finally graduate from college last spring.
• This spring, I'm going to be the one graduating!

Interwoven through all of this are people. I have some of the greatest friends and family members in the world. For someone who used to be too shy to speak to her own shadow and is still more introverted than some people might ever guess, the relationships I have are beyond imagination. The nights I spend staying up late talking to my family, usually my brother and/or mom, are too numerous to calculate. They have been so integral in the development of who I am and have cultivated a love of and willingness/desire to really get to the heart of a person or a situation. I cherish any connection that I make with a person, even if it's a brief exchange in the elevator, but I've grown to be open to those elevator moments becoming something profound, and quite often profound moments crop up in the first ten minutes of meeting someone. Life is more fulfilling when lived this way.

And the people I feel a deep connection to are spread all over the place. It's also beyond imagination how the girl I used to be could manage to know so many people beyond the immediate vicinity where I live. But God saw fit to let my horizons expand. And I've moved from place to place, bonding with people along the way, and have (quite unexpectedly on my part) bonded with some people in the comfort of my own armchair through the glorious invention known as the Internet. Although I certainly advise caution and do not recommend letting down your cyber-guard for just anyone, don't rule out the possibility of making friends in the right context. I'm living proof that it's possible and that some people out there really are who they claim to be. And meeting them in person isn't nearly as awkward as you might expect. It might actually be one of the most natural meetings you will ever experience.

So apologies that I don't have anything new to say. At the risk of continuing to sound like a broken record, maybe when I graduate I'll be able to be more compelling. I don't know why that's so important to me. Perhaps it's because I tend to see the world as something with infinite intrigue. And when representing it, I want to pass the magnitude of that intrigue on to others. Mostly in hopes that they will be as enamored with life as I am. That's probably a bigger task than I realize.

But what's life without a challenge? Boring, that's what.

Crying, hippies, and Easter.

Let's get some business out of the way. I'm a bad blogger. And one of these days, not only will I post more, I'm actually going to make it look like something special. Moving on.

• My chest and shoulders kind of look like a lobster.
• It's 11:21 PM. I'm tired. And I have to be up at 5:30 in the morning. I'd ask why I'm still awake, but there would be no use. I'm awake because that's just what I do.
• Tomorrow's Easter. I love Easter.
• I cried this morning before 8:00 AM. I normally cry on a regular basis, but not normally before 8:00 AM.
• If I don't cry tomorrow, I'll be flabbergasted.
• I'm much more of a tree-hugging hippie than I let on most of the time. I like going shoeless. Even in the dirt. (Maybe especially in the dirt.) I don't ever want to shave. Trash on the ground, sometimes just trash in general, drives me up the wall. I'm cool with the idea of living in a van. At least for a while. All of the parts are there. Sans the hallucinogens.

An inconsequential list this. I think I'm just thinking through my fingers. One day I'll do more than think through my fingers. May that one day be soon. Graduation is in two weeks (!) and I feel that at that point I may get my life back. I have visions of reading, writing, making music, sewing, and making edible concoctions. I pray those visions reflect reality.

"Two things you told me."

Tonight I post only words that are not my own. Which is probably why they mean so much to me. Maybe they'll mean the same to you.

"Your Love Is Strong"
by Jon Foreman

Heavenly Father, you always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
Give me the food I need to live through today
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window, the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day
So why should I worry, why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?
Two things you told me, that you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Our God in heaven, hallowed be thy name above all names
Your kingdom come, your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
And keep us far from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

The White Council.

Tonight I will be brief.

I love spending time with people with wisdom. Which usually means spending time with people much older than I am. I particularly appreciate when that wisdom is not patronizing, recognizing that yes, I may not know as much as you, but no, it's not a flaw. I'm just only 22 and haven't had the chance to learn as much. But I'm willing to listen and grow.

Spent the evening as the only 20-something in a room full of people over twice my age. It seems reasonable, and likely expected, to say it was uncomfortable, but it wasn't. It was much more comfortable than all of the sitting in rooms full of 20-somethings that I do every day. People were willing to gently and gracefully speak what they know. There was no arrogance or defensiveness, motivated by a need to prove themselves for fear no one will take them seriously otherwise. And they just as gracefully were willing to listen to others, knowing they don't have all the answers and someone else might be able to reveal truth to them.

Here on this planet, I think that's one of the greatest marks of wisdom sometimes: knowing and conceding that you don't know everything.

May I always have that attitude, from now until the day I die.

On learning.

I haven't updated this in a while. For those who don't know, I'm graduating on May 7th. (!!!)

I was talking to my brother recently about this whole graduation thing, and several reasons why I'm excited about it. One of the biggest reasons I shared with him was this: "I'm looking forward to graduating so I can actually learn something."

This comment is not meant to offend anyone. Apologies to all of you who in the system who actually enjoy what you do. Good for you! We need more people like you! I'm also not saying that I have learned nothing in the past five years since I began my MTSU career. I have.

But I feel like my learning, academic learning, has been stunted to a lesser degree that what it could be. I don't work well in the typical school system. I don't work well in most typical systems. And I only fair marginally better in atypical systems. Systems and I just don't gel.

So I feel like soon is coming a great opportunity for me to really be able to dive into the things that interest me and devote my time and energy to them in a way that will help me get something substantial out of them. I've learned a lot in school that hasn't been academic, but I think the chief things I've learned academically have been 1.) that I truly do enjoy learning, and 2.) what does and doesn't work for me when learning. Even though I've always enjoyed learning, had I not gone to college these years, I don't know that I would have embraced learning things as whole-heartedly as I do now. Regardless of certain specifics I haven't learned which I know I should have, college has made me a better learner. So maybe I'll finally be able to learn all of those things I should have done once I leave MTSU.

And once again, I have crafted a short post that touches the surface, but will end without going deeper. I blame school. Maybe when I graduate, I'll be able to generate something more thought-provoking. Right now, I need to sleep. I have a mountain to conquer in the next four weeks, that I'm praying God will transform into a molehill.

A bit like Romans 7.

Some things (which are really all rooted in some THING) I've been noticing about myself. (The aforementioned some THING is not necessarily a new revelation to me or my blog, but the more I think about it, the more clearly I see it in all areas of my life.)


When I want to get up early, I often stay up late.
When I know I can sleep as long as I wish, I often go to bed early.

I have a fondness for recipes containing strawberries, and generally all strawberry-flavored edibles.
I have never eaten a whole, plain, unaffected strawberry. I've tried. I can't do it. I don't like them.

I can be one of the most obedient, obliging, people you will ever meet.
I have one of the strongest, and often one of the most unreasonable, "fight the power," "go against the flow" instincts I have ever seen.

At the rate I consume ketchup and various tomato sauces, they could be considered a main course.
I don't like raw tomatoes.

Give me a bowl of nuts and I will be a happy snacker.
Put them in my baked goods, and, although I will thank you for them, I will give those baked goods to someone else.

Despite improvement, public speaking is something that still makes me shake.
I'll sing in front of anyone, anytime, and I'll even dance around while I do it.

I love teaching.
I avoid even the thought of getting a job as a school teacher.

I really like to make food.
On most days, I can give or take eating without really caring either way. (So come over and let me feed you!)

I really like home. I hope to have a place of my own one day.
I can't seem to stay home for more than a month. Give me a few weeks off the road, and I'm itching to go somewhere.

I have a method for everything from eating bananas to loading forks in the dishwasher.
My room is in an almost constant state of disorder.

Monochromatic, symmetrical things give me a sense of calm when I see them, much like some people describe when they see the beach, or a bold sunset, or a bold sunset on the beach.
My room is anything but monochromatic and symmetrical.

I love people.
People make me turn into a stuttering, nervous child facing their worst nightmare.

On the whole, I don't like TV, most movies, and a lot of things in the media and popular culture.
I'm pretty handy in pop culture trivia games.



I feel like now would be an appropriate time to quote Walt Whitman.

"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"

Life as a bad musical.

Now that I am on the verge of graduating, I have come to appreciate my life as a student more than I have before. It's similar to how so many people on the verge of death seem to appreciate life so much more than they ever did while they were in the midst of living it. Funny how that happens. Coming back from that digression, though, as much as I appreciate my position as student, there are still some things that I don't like so much, and which I don't see myself missing once this time in my life is behind me.

One of those things is this: I am often called upon to write about things I know nothing about, and to do it intelligently, and convincingly enough to fool people into believing I actually do know what I'm saying.

Like now, for instance. I have a take-home mid-term in my Restoration to Eighteenth Century English Lit class. Two essays on two subjects he has provided out of a list of nine, and it's due tomorrow. I'm working on it right now. But I really don't feel like I know enough to write two essays.

I almost feel like I'm lying, intentionally misleading. Like my school career has been, in part, a lesson in how to be a good liar.

One way to look at this is that I've subjected myself to it. I decided to go to school and be an English student. I decided to play by the rules of the system and agree to mostly comply with the expectations of my teachers, and while those expectations do not always require writing comprehensive papers on things I do not understand, if I wish for a good grade, it is expected that I will do everything I can in order to get it, and to not try to do so, even when I'm mostly clueless, is a lack of effort on my part, and possibly a sign of laziness. Therefore I talk in intellectual circles that use carefully crafted language to make it sound like I'm making progress, and not pulling a Ren Stevens and singing a two-minute song whose only content is the fact that the first moon landing was in 1969, or trying to emulate the clever cast of Whose Line being challenged to stop the show.

Of course, another way to look at it is that I haven't subjected myself to it, that I have no choice in the matter, that's just the way things are, and everybody has to do it at some point.

Either way, I don't like it. Practicing deception goes against the way I desire to live.

And I'm not very good at it. Especially not in day-to-day interactions with people. Don't ask me to lie for you. If I have to keep it up for very long or try hard to make it convincing, it won't hold water. I do admit I am better at faking it in writing, but anybody who contains a measure of shrewdness can see through it. Which is why my papers where I'm pulling a Ren Stevens don't make excellent grades, and have comments like "You're falling into explication here. The assignment wasn't to retell me the story, something I already know." Well, yeah, I'm retelling the story, because I don't know what else to say! And I'm hoping that my rambling will cover that up.

But it doesn't. (Fluff my Garfield!)

"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint...." Proverbs 17:27


As an addendum, I was recently declared by a woman I know to be "anti-establishment," and I'm certain this is evidence of that. I agree with her assessment.