A new way to live.

I'm not often caught off guard by anything except face-to-face interaction with people. For whatever reason, interacting with other humans is a mystery I can't seem to conquer. There are moments when I feel I have achieved the impossible. I'm engaging, I'm warm, I instinctively know the appropriate things to say, and, more importantly, I instinctively know the appropriate things to say to provoke other people to speak. In the midst of such miracles, I think, "Maybe I've finally figured it out. Maybe this is the day that the mystical magic required to have a comfortable conversation made its way into my bones at last." Oh the hope those thoughts bring.

Then I go talk to someone else. A different person takes my place. I stammer, I can't think of anything to say that doesn't sound like a textbook, and I'm either mostly silent, or I ramble through a multitude of unimportant words. The impossible becomes unreachable again and I wonder where my charm decided to hide. And why it decided to hide.

Most other things don't throw me for a loop. You know those people who drive you crazy with all the things they do so well all the blessed time? I've often been one of them. I intend no arrogance when I say that. I just say it because it's kind of true. When I was a kid, I was always near the top of every list that measured academic prowess. All the smart kid award ribbons they gave out at assemblies; I got 'em. Spelling bee champion certificates; got those too. I was also on the teachers' mental "most attentive and well-behaved" lists, which meant extra responsibility that I reverently bore on my shoulders. And my success wasn't limited to the classroom. In generally all other areas of my life, if a standard for performance was set, whatever it was, I would meet it.

With that kind of record, it was easy for me to develop an expectation that everything will work out. The results might not be perfect, and getting to the goal might not be easy, but the goal will be met. It always is. A challenge comes before me, I confront it, I conquer it. A flawless formula. No surprises. No chances of wondering what's happening and why.

But that system broke down and I have been unequivocally baffled by the last six months.

38 weeks have passed since I stopped being a full-time student and gained a degree, and I still don't have a job. Not even at Wal-Mart.

Before last summer had ended, the mental interrogation began. "What is this? I'm capable. I'm competent. I have talent. I have skills. I'm a hard worker. I have initiative and to spare. Why is this happening?" Soon after came the accusing. "You're not as capable as you thought. You didn't have a detailed plan. You should have had a detailed plan, then you could have followed through and everything would have worked. You didn't try hard enough. You're being lazy. If you would just make up your mind and get up and do something, then you wouldn't be in this position."

But that wasn't true. At least not completely true. I tried, or at least made moves to try. But every plan, every attempt, was stifled. I fell into, and am still hoping to get out of, an exhausting, stifling hole. No money, not even enough to drive a mile down the road, meant going out to find a job became an as of yet unconquerable challenge. But the longer I don't have a job, the longer I'm not making money, the longer I'm incapacitated. No movement. No progress.

The larger problem with the dialogue in my head, though, was its focus: me. I've been learning more than ever lately how much my life is not about me.

I have always believed, and do still, that being responsible for oneself is important. Some people need to learn that lesson. But my lesson was different. It's easy for me to live by my own ability and expect that what I do is the answer for everything.

My opinion is beginning to change. I think God loved me enough to not let me live the rest of my life thinking that I can do whatever I decide to do, or that it's even ultimately up to me to do anything at all, or that situations will always work out. Some things, no matter how hard a person may will them to, don't work out. People die. Fires burn possessions. Security is stolen. Heaven is the only sure redemption. I live and breathe only through God. The most important thing I need to do is know him.

It took a long time, but I think I'm finally beginning to rest in that. Knowing God. The knowledge of him I already have is the the most life-giving I have ever known, and there is yet an infinite depth still to explore. And by his grace, in knowing him, I can be faithful to move and work in the means given to me. I'll get a job. Probably. I'll pay my own bills one day, live in my own place. I'm still vigilant and looking for what I can do where I am. When opportunity is presented, I'll take it. But whether I'm making a paycheck or not, God is providing. He's gracious. And he is the source and definition of my life.

"Easy" is not a word to describe these last six months. I have been broken down further than I ever thought I would be. But I've been saying the closing words of this song all the more:





Thank you, Jesus.