Emily and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Today was one of the most off days I have had in a long time. Frustration-filled is the most accurate description.

It started out fabulously. I got up early and was in a terrific mood because I actually went to sleep at a decent hour last night. I had decided the night before that I was going to go to school super early in order to get some work done before my first class started and my brother and dad were going to drop me off on their way to work. Frustration #1: I was ready to go at 9:00 when my dad said he wanted us to be ready, but my brother was not. He went and got in the shower at 9:00. And taking a shower is no small thing for him. He's as bad as a girl. And after the shower came his other getting ready rituals. And by the time he was ready, my dad had lost steam he had to get himself motivated again to get up and go.

So we finally head out the door, and as I'm walking to the car, Frustration #2: I didn't look at where I was stepping and my foot slipped - the same foot that slipped in November - and my ankle rolled to the side and I was afraid for a minute that I had done some serious damage. Thankfully I didn't. But it has been more sore today than is usual.

I did make it to school in time to get a few things done, but nowhere near as much as I had hoped. I really didn't want to be up late doing homework, and that was the motivation behind going early. So much for that. And the part that bothered me most was the fact that I didn't have to get up early and get ready; I chose to do that on my own. My brother on the other hand was supposed to because our dad told him that he wanted to get to work at a certain time and my brother should have been accountable to that.

Frustration #3: My first of two classes today, math. It's not my strong suit. If I was completely inept I think I could deal with it, but I'm not completely inept, I just seem to have a really hard time remembering what to do. Most of the time, when people explain it, math seems quite logical and simple to understand, but turn right around after explaining and ask me to figure a similar problem out on my own and I'm completely lost. I know it's simple, but I just can't figure it out and that's the most frustrating part. And we had a quiz today. I'm thinking I made a 60 on it. Could be worse, but I still don't particularly like 60s.

After class, Frustrations #4 & 5: my family and I all went out for lunch. That's sounds like it would be a good thing, but we don't have money for going out to eat lunch. We didn't need to do it. We managed to keep the cost down pretty low for all of us, but with five people, it's still expensive. On top of that, my family can't seem to do anything expediently. I needed to get home and try to get some more work done and I eventually said so in an effort to get everybody going. They did, so I can't complain about that, but I got home feeling like most of my dad up until that point had been wasted.

So my afternoon continues on and I get a little work done before my last class but I'm still feeling really behind. My last class comes and goes, I'm back home and it's time for dinner. By the time everything is said and done, Frustration #6: I sit down to finish my homework at about 7:30. I knew it was going to take a few hours which put me not finishing until I was hoping to go to bed if even that early. And Frustration #7: I was using my brother's laptop. Toshiba hasn't shipped mine back yet, nor have I heard anything from them about it. I've been very grateful for the use of my brother's laptop, but I miss mine so much. It's amazing how out of whack not having it makes me feel. And I haven't used it in over a month. It wasn't quite so bad when I wasn't in school, but now that I am, I am sorely missing it. And Frustration #8: I was doing my homework downstairs in the middle of all the commotion. That's mostly my fault. I could have come up to my room, but I didn't feel like sitting on my bed, and my desk is a mess as well as the rest of my room and I didn't want to work in the mess. But I probably would have finished much faster had I not been distracted by all the stuff going on downstairs. I finished at about midnight.

And here I am. In favor of trying to get some sleep, I probably shouldn't have written all of this but I needed to get everything out. And speaking of everything, here are some miscellaneous frustrations.

I feel like I am constantly picking up the slack for everything that happens in my family, everything less than positive or ideal, I should say. Most of that falls on my shoulders, because I let all the responsibility fall on me, even when it shouldn't. But half the time, I don't know what else to do, because all of the alternatives seem worse.

I am tired of keeping secrets and feeling like I'm lying to people. It goes against my nature. I'm not the type to go tell everybody under the sun everything I know, think or feel, but if they ask or it comes up in a discussion, then I'm totally fine with telling just about anybody anything. Stranger or lifelong friend, if you want to know something about me, however personal it may seem, chances are I will tell you. The people who know me best have said that I have a tendency to say surprising things and that comes from my willingness to talk about anything. Until I feel compelled to keep secrets. I don't like it. Especially when the ones desiring to keep something secret are keeping secrets from people that they should never be keeping secrets from to begin with. It's maddening.

On top of all that, I didn't eat any cereal today. Not even a bite. I have become accustomed to eating a bowl every day, sometimes even two. I feel like something is missing. Oh, and speaking of something missing, I haven't sang much in the past week. I've been way busy and without my computer, my world has been much more quiet than it normally is. I need to go somewhere and sing for hours with no other obligations. Other than to eat cereal if I get hungry. Sounds like paradise to me.

In writing this and in every moment of frustration that passed today, I tried to keep myself in check and not fall into bashing people. Because I don't want to do that. And that's not how I feel. I still love everyone and I'm well aware that people mess up. That's why I don't normally do this kind of thing. I'm pretty good about not letting things get to me, but it just all came on at once today. I'm sure people could come up with plenty of things to say about me that frustrate them. And if they feel the need to say something, I hope they would.

It's now after 2 AM and even though I'm losing valuable sleeping time, I really should leave here and go spend some time with God. And get a good cry in. Singing, preferably at the top of my lungs, would be the other thing that would provide therapy for me at this point in time, but I can't very well do that unless I want to disturb those slumbering in my house. But I do think that after my time with God I will put in my favorite album So Much For Substitutes from my favorite band downhere. Who knows when I'll get to sleep, but at this point I am so unsettled that if I tried to lay down at this moment I can pretty much guarantee that it would do no good and I would become even more unsettled by the fact that I can't go to sleep. So off I go, letting this day be a learning experience and a change to grow and build character and praying that tomorrow - or, today - will be better, remembering to be thankful and content in all circumstances. In Jesus' name, Amen.