Dialogue: borrowed.

"I knew the times would come

And now the times have landed

With sting and abrasion"

"And frankly, I did not plan

On getting hurt today"

"Pain is the invitation to surrender all"

"I'm okay with

Yeah, I'm okay with

Whatever happens"

"Write a book about the times that you've held your head

In your hands and you've cried

For poverty to end"

"The less I have

The less I lack"

"I'm in a constant freefall

When I'm following you"

"Worry not, love

How far you could fall"

"I know for sure I'm headed straight for the edge

'Cause that's just where you are"

"Canvas clean

Art unseen

New and glorious start"

"Ready to turn back

I still got far to go"

"A risk so great

A feel so real

Moving closer to what you really feel

Destination so unsure

You're not alone"

"My destination mind

Fights my identity"

"Tell me who I am

'Cause I'm too close to see

Past the imperfections

Do you see more to me?"

"You gave me a name

I could never gain

With even my college try"

"The poet is stuck in the mud

And the dreamer is finding his way home from the stars

And the visionary's watching his feet

'Cause the sentimental fool is numb again"

"Feeling cold, alone and worn

Is not a way for anyone to be

But this is me"

"I'll never hold a picture of the whole horizon in my view"

"Blank page, clean slate

New beginnings, paths to create"

"Feeling strong on my own two feet

So why am I feeling suddenly weak"

"Life is all just all

Just a bunch of work

Nothing more than a climbing fall"

"It's not by work you find your escape

But in your defeat when you seek his face"

"Sometimes this escape feels like a cage"

"This season of waiting is starting to get old"

"I want to live for you

The rhythm of your presence

Beats steady in my soul"

"Whether or not it's meant to be

Keep your faith and tenacity"

"You reach for the deepest hope in me

And call out for the things of eternity"

"Shallow capacity

Is bearing all I see

And I know

It's disease

It's loss, it's death

Knocking at my door

I click these thoughts

To something else

Something more"

"Fast-forward to the golden years

A smaller pride and a bigger fear

But still no way are we done yet"

"Although there is reason to fear

The sky will never clear

I can't think of a time when you haven't been there for me"

"Whether I'm riding high or feeling low

These are the two best prayers I know

Help me

And thank you"

"It takes more than courage

To step out in the aisle

Because I waited for a feeling

I didn't read the sign

Find me"

"You shape me like a story

You sing me like a song

But lately to be honest

I'm too tired to sing along"

"Just now I've reached the end of my line

Just now I'm too tired to keep on trying"

"I don't believe you brought me this far to give up

So every day I keep on fighting for it"

"Lord, don't let these wings forget how to fly"

"And while the thrills are fading

The joy is in the waiting

Somewhere in the grand design

It's good to be unsatisfied"

"The way it used to all make sense

Now is far away, cryptic and in riddles"

"I'm fearful of missing the point of it all"

"Don't be so scared

You're doing fine

Don't be so hurried

You're next in line

Don't be so worried

You'll be alright"

"I don't want to lie in fear

Help me remember clear

There's never been a time

When you haven't come through for me"

"Hey, if I'm to be sincere

I believe you're close to me

But still I miss you here"

"Someday I'm gonna break free

Leave it all behind me

I'll be all I was meant to be"

"I can hear the questions

With answers that breed doubt

The spiritual poison of hecklers and demons

Who whisper in corners, hoping for a sell-out"

"Detached harmonies

All the airwaves scream dissonance"

"Call out

Trying desperately to hear a sound

But there's no word"

"It's not that I don't trust you
I do

But I don't trust myself to hear from you"

"I hear I'm going down

I'm headed for the ground

I hear I should panic

I should be afraid

I hear through all the noise

A still and steady voice

Say 'wait'"

"If I could

Then I would

Run across the sea

To hear you speak to me"

"I've lost all my earthly optimism

That it's all gonna be alright

That the good will win this fight"

"I'm full of hardened misunderstandings

And they filter truth to me"

"Get out

All the lies that try to creep around

Devouring truth"

"Stripped of my filters maybe

I could be learning"

"I lift my hands in a resurrender

Waiting on you to put this together"

"In this mess I'm just one of the pieces

I can't put this together but you can"

"You make up for the faith I lack"

"When setbacks and failures and upset plans

Test my faith and leave me with empty hands

Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand

I know that you will finish what you began

And these broken parts you redeem

Become the song that I can sing"

"I won't take advice from cynics

I won't listen to the word of fools

Sure, everyone has their own take

On what I should do

But I will follow your voice"

"Sometimes it's hard to tell if I'm faithful

Or a fool to believe

You're still leading me"

"If there's nothing more I can do

Can I just sit here with you?"

"I know it's gonna be a hard day

And you won't come out of this the same

But my love will be your strength for tonight"

"You're gonna find

You're gonna find it

You're gonna find the strength"

"Help me to hear your voice

Above all the other noise"

"Hope is rising

It's a sunrise for the end

Hope is rising

And it's breathing for me again"

"You're not alone

Take a chance

Take my hand

We'll find the way to Neverland

Where all your childhood dreams come true"

"Soon every work will find its worth"

"They say that time heals all wounds

But this scar will become a small part of you

But there will come a day

When I'll see your smile

It'll be deeper and stronger

And I will know why"

"I always heard you loved me

But I think I know it now

Is that the reason why you brought me here?"

"Oh, I really am my own worst enemy

Please don't let me get the better of me"

"You wouldn't walk out on this tragedy

Never give up on your Iliad"

"I'm here to testify

That it's been an amazing ride

With you

And I have never walked alone"

"Life has no conflict

For those who do belong"

"Somehow my story is a part of your plan

Here I am"

"I will be a fool for you

All because you ask me to

A simpleton who's seemingly naive"

"The very thing I always feared would be the death of me

Was a way to come alive"

"Everyone's supposed to carry on"

"Wouldn't read the ending if I could

I'm always coming back for more"

"Come tomorrow, no one knows

But when everything unfolds

The hero wins"

"It's alright, it's okay

If I lose today

In the end I know you win"

"In the end it is well

After storms and beatings"

"That's more like it happened
For me and you

We're a story in the making"

"Consider the story isn't over"

Engraved in God's palms.

Another great year at camp has come and gone. Much of it was the same as always. In a good way. A kind of sameness that never loses its meaning and continues to impact those who experience it.

But I also did something new. During the week with the teenagers I was assigned the job of teacher. Thank the Lord there were set lesson plans and that I know Bible stories pretty well. Performing with zero preparation is always a test that reveals what a person knows at their core. And what they don't.

However, what I'm wanting to write about had nothing to do with the class I taught, how I felt about it, or what happened therein. Consider that bit of information bonus material.

I also led a small group that week. That's something I've been doing every year since I joined the staff. The role of small group leader often overlaps with the role of teacher, but the setting and purpose is slightly different. Something else that's different is that I'm responsible for discussion material. No lesson plans.

This is both exciting and terrifying.

Mostly exciting, I think.

When deciding what to talk about in small group I ask myself, "As a human, what are the most important, core-changing lessons that I have learned, which I can share with these other humans in hopes that they will also be changed?" In doing so, our discussions tend to revolve around passages of scripture that have profoundly impacted me and which I hold close to my heart.

I was considering one such passage one day, debating whether I wanted to share it with my group sometime during the week. It's a gem in the book of Isaiah that, to me, has communicated God's love in a way that few other images have.

"'Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.'" Isaiah 49:16

Beautiful.

But almost immediately after I brought it up I felt like I opened up a can of worms which I probably should have left closed. Not closed absolutely but left for another time in which I would have been able to really get at the heart of some issues I was noticing.

They were amazed at the idea of something being etched into God's palms. That was an appropriate response. I was too. But right after their looks of amazement, a hand from one of the girls raised and I heard "So do you think getting a tattoo is wrong?" And I could tell that everyone else was wanting me to answer the same question.

The poor dears, they're still so bound up in law!

Rather than responding to the imagery and being touched by what it represented, their minds immediately went to, "Wait, God's body is marked up? Is God okay with that?"

Whatever a person's opinions are about tattoos, body piercings, and the like, the picture depicted in that passage is still a valid and profound way to communicate how much God loves his creation. It says that he loves us so much that he's willing to make us a part of himself and to suffer pain in order to do so, and not only do we come to be a part of himself, we're on his palms, a place where he will always see us, where we will always be on his mind, where he can hold us.

I'm not sure if I did it well, but that's what I tried to get those girls to see. To look beyond the question of whether it's permissible for a person to get a tattoo, and consider why one might mark their body and the implications of what that means in relation to how God feels toward us. That may have been too tall of a task for 30 minutes in which people are distracted and not paying close attention for longer than five minutes.

But overall, I think it went well. More time would have been nice but despite the lack of it, I don't think it was the can of worms I first feared it would be. That was just me feeling insecure, and fearing that powers higher than me would either disagree with how I responded to the aforementioned question or criticize me for even broaching a subject that could be considered controversial. But, as always, I had nothing to fear.

And I pray that one day each of them can come to be so secure in who they are in Christ that questions of law no longer dominate their thinking. They can just be who they are, the righteousness of God, and such questions won't be so troublesome anymore.

The closest I've ever come to an Acts 2 experience.

Summer.

Heat.

Excessive heat.

It's likely my least favorite part about the region where I reside. I could live without it.

But there are perks. My favorite part: camp.

Camp Formosa. I'm heading there tomorrow. My heart is overjoyed.

To list the things I love about going to camp would be nigh impossible and I shall not attempt it. But one thing I feel is worthy of note is this: I love how, even though I'm going to be a leader, I still learn. And it's the ones I'm supposed to be leading that often give me back more than I could expect, even though I should know better after these many years.

I love it so, I'm not even going to miss being here much. Aside from my bed and bedroom. And not because my bed is really comfortable. Or because my room is so serene. My room is chaotic. And so much sunlight comes in that it wakes me up in the morning, no matter how much I didn't sleep the night before. When my bed - which is old, rickety, and lays sideways - is thrown into the equation, there's no way that long, restful sleeps can take the blame for my fondness of sleeping in my room. The fact that I'm going to miss an environment such as I just described actually shows that peace and luxury are things I likely would not miss if I had them.

The only real difference between my room and the camp environment is the relative solitude.

And that's something I'm willing to give up, despite introverted tendencies. I should just move in. Whenever I feel like I'm about to go over the edge, I can just lock myself in the bathroom for ten minutes. It works surprisingly well. And I do it surprisingly often.

All around, the only difference between home and camp is the number of people around. I'd probably lock myself in the bathroom at home more if I lived with 100+ people every day............yikes......

So maybe I don't love camp quite that much. Having my own house 11 months of the year is a good thing.

But now is the season for commune life! And I embrace it wholeheartedly.

"I am confidence in insecurity..."

I thought tonight I might get something "purposeful" accomplished. And I did a few things. But I was soon overcome with a desire to sing and that's mostly all I've been doing for the past hour and a half. That and entertaining a few sundry thoughts in between belted choruses.

I said that life has been more business as usual than I expected. And that's true. There have been a few experiences in the last week and a half that were a little atypical, but it's still mostly true.

Yet, I'm discovering that I'm more unsettled than I have been in recent memory.

Maybe my station in society is starting to sink in.

Or maybe I've grown unaccustomed to business as usual. This particular kind of business as usual.

What I've grown accustomed to is working steadily on a daily basis, not giving much thought to anything else. Then as soon as there is a break from the work, taking off and doing something else demanding and distracting for a short time before returning to work. There has been a great decrease in mind-numbing demands and I think I'm going through an awkward adjustment.

Or it could be divinely inspired.

Maybe there's soon to be a dramatic change and I wouldn't be ready for it if I felt comfortable. Or maybe I need to be paying careful attention and the only way to ensure that is constant agitation.

The most interesting thing is that even with this unsettled feeling, I'm at peace. It's not worry that's unsettling me, because I'm not worried. I know I'm provided for and God has every circumstance under his watchful eye. I'm unsettled because I feel different. I don't feel like I know anything and I think that's the best way for me to feel. Completely unsure in myself and completely at ease with the giver of grace.

Business as usual.

So...............

I've graduated.

And I don't feel any different.

I don't feel like my IQ has raised 50 points. Or like I have any right to walk into miscellaneous social circles and extend some presumed authority on any given subject to persons not searching for it. Nor do I feel I've accomplished a mystical goal that only a select few individuals have the special makings to accomplish, thereby rendering me to be above all those without said specialness.

I think that's a good thing.

Thus, I feel like I'm in a good place.

I can't help but comment on the present circumstances in which I find myself, however.

From what I said above, I obviously didn't think something magical was going to happen when I graduated, nor that I would become anything more special than I already was. But I did have it in my head that in the interim between graduation and job-procuring I would do something different from what I have been doing. That the story of my life lately would change somewhat. And I suppose it has. I know it has. I haven't been writing research papers. Nor have I been forced to read an epic poem in two days. Or cram for a test. Or fight to stay awake when my eyes start feeling droopy.

But it hasn't changed as much as, or in the particular way that, I supposed it would, I guess.

I thought that I would go out and have a lot of fun with nearly everyone (within two specific states) that I've been missing for a good while, finding out where they are, when they have some free time, and directing my tires to their vicinity. I also thought that I would be spending a large amount of time leisure reading and finishing projects I've left undone for a long time.

And I've done some of that. I had two parties within a week of each other, and people that I know and love, more people than I care to tabulate, came to both of them. And I've done a fair bit of driving (so far, under 1,000 miles), catching up with long-missed friends and family at each of my destinations. I also finally finished Jane Eyre after having started it months ago, and am about to finish another book that I began a few days ago.

But I've also been doing an awful lot of sleeping. Too much. I really wish I would stop sleeping so much. I know that I have a bad habit of not sleeping enough, but am I really so behind as to warrant this? This being going to bed early-ish, sleeping much later than I have in a long time, and going back to bed after being awake two hours and sleeping through the main part of the day. It's getting kind of old. But I can't seem to make myself stop. And I've still been doing a lot of stuff that I always do, like housecleaning, and helping my family with mundane things and emergencies alike, and working (as in not the job kind of working, but the kind that has filled the life of this person who has never had a "job," and makes her feel like she's always had a "job" and wouldn't have time or energy to ever get a real "job." Incidentally, I understand why moms everywhere decide to stay at home with their kids. I don't technically have a child, but I take care of one particular child on a regular basis, and even without him, I would have an overabundance of obligations and fodder for my to-do list).

And so the ideal that I had in my head for the month after I graduated hasn't really manifested, as is the case with most ideals. Plans that I hoped to make haven't been made, and probably won't be made. And some plans that I did make have been undone for one reason or another. I told everyone that I would be away from home for six weeks. But it looks like I unknowingly lied. I'm going to have to briefly go home next week. My family needs me. And I need them. Which means I'm not going to escape the cicadas like I hoped I would.

Speaking of the ugly nuisances, I had a small feeling when I left that I wouldn't be missing them like I intended. There was something telling me that they and I would be just as intimately acquainted as we were 13 years ago. I pushed the thought out of my mind, because I was determined that nothing would bring us back together until June was no more than a memory. I guess I know why I had that feeling now.

Relating all this back to graduation, I had this notion, I suppose I still have this notion, that after people graduate, barring extreme circumstances, they do something. One option would be to get a job. I've also heard of many people who go off on a rare vacation, like a cruise. Or Disney World. Still others go backpacking, or tour Europe, take a long road trip, travel to some place they've never been before. In my case, I was content to stay in familiar territory, and do nothing but enjoy dinner, and church, and weddings, and birthday parties, and baby sitting, and ordinary mundane life with people whom I wish were more a part of my ordinary mundane life.

Instead, I'm cooking. And cleaning. And sleeping. And helping out my immediate family, the people I live with, just like I always do.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm not complaining. I'm happy I have the ability to cook and clean. And I'm happy to have such a good relationship with my family, and to know that they feel like they can count on me to help them out when they need it. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

But life is funny. I can't help but chuckle at irony. And make comments when reality doesn't emerge as planned.

As much as I anticipated I and my life wouldn't change immediately after graduating, I guess I still didn't realize the full extent of sameness that would occur.

Countdown to G-Day.

Five days!

Today, I finished reading the last novel of my college career. The number of assignments remaining for me to complete is dwindling rapidly. In the next three days, I have two tests to take and one paper to write. That's all.

Tomorrow, I go to pick up my cap and gown.

The reality of what is going to happen on Saturday is starting to sink in. I know graduating from a university is supposed to be a grand accomplishment. I do feel a sense of accomplishment that I presume will only increase as the diploma becomes mine and the whole ceremony becomes a thing of the past. But accomplishment is one of the least emotions I feel right now. I can list a number of other things that are much more prominent in my mind and heart.

Like relief. I have three things left to do. The end of this long road is in sight. I don't know that this is what is actually going to happen, but I feel like graduating is going to give me my life back. I don't feel like my life has been entirely lost since I started this adventure five years ago, but on the whole, I feel like I sold my soul to MTSU, I have had tunnel vision since then and have only looked up for brief moments, just long enough to let people know that I'm still alive and to retain enough of myself so that I wouldn't feel completely lost. After this, I know one type of work will replace the other. I will soon face the world of jobs. In regaining my life, I know I won't be ceasing to work, spending my days loafing around. But I don't see my life anymore being so thoroughly dominated by something I both don't know exactly why I'm doing nor really really want to be doing. We shall soon see if there is any credence in my idealism.

With that relief comes excitement for what's in the future. I don't know what's in the future. What will I being doing in a year? Six months? Your guess is as good as mine. I'm eager to see whose guess is most correct.

I'm also very grateful. Graduation itself means more for future times than it does for my immediate reality. Something that's more immediately germane are the people who are and who will be celebrating this graduation and my future with me. The part of this weekend I'm looking forward to most is the social element. The people I know mean a lot to me. Some of them I don't get to see very often. I so appreciate that there are people who desire to come spend time and their own life and resources to pour into my life. I think it's crucial that life be connected to other people, and if there was anything I did that did not also involve and mean something to someone else, then there's something missing. This wouldn't mean much to me if there was no one, even if it were only one person, around who cared.

Here's to the next five days. May I relish every moment.

May 1st, 2011.

I just wrote this in my journal. It's presented here with the same formatting that I use in my journal, which is no formatting.


It's May 1st, 2011. Big news just hit the public media. Osama Bin Laden is dead and the U.S. has his body. Please, tell me I'm not the only one crying. I do not condone all of the horrors that were instigated by him. It's appalling the evil that can be traced back to one man. But he's still a man. It's natural for loss of life to be grieved. I think what saddens me more, though, is how so many people in the world have reacted. There are people celebrating in the streets. I am trying very hard to not lapse into ill-placed judgment. I do understand why people rejoice. Terrible things have happened and any triumph over a source of evil is understandably something to celebrate. But it seems to me callous to let loose with wild mirth when a person has been hunted and killed. Situations like this are so hard. This is why I'm not in the military or involved in government. I can't. Being a human, with a limited perspective and understanding, it's hard for me to imagine anyone who can with good conscience. But I know there are things I don't understand and never will. And I pray to the God who has everything confined in his hands and trust that Jesus will make truth known. We're all called to different lives. I don't discount that a step has been taken toward making the world a safer place. But right now, I really want to know that I'm not the only one sitting alone, weeping.