Downhere bad for your health?

It may not be for you, but I wonder sometimes if it isn't for me.

This night has turned out to be very different than I anticipated that it would be. At about 10:00 I came up to my room and got ready for bed. Then I got out my Bible and read like I do every night. At probably about 10:15, 10:20, I was just about to get in bed for the night and then my brother walked in, carrying his laptop. I had asked him earlier if he would mind me borrowing it in the middle of the night if I couldn't go to sleep and wanted something to do. So instead of making me go downstairs and get it in the middle of the night, he just brought it up here to save me the trouble. So then, we got started talking. We tend to get chatty when we're together. Especially at night, for some reason. Thus, about an hour later, we finally said all our good nights and he left the room. So much for me trying to go to bed before 10:30.

So, I was pretty hyped up at that point. Our conversation had gotten my brain turned back on. We talked about everything from Pirates of the Caribbean to Harry Potter, Winnie-the-Pooh, the Bible, German, downhere, and Lord of the Rings. Therefore I decided to go ahead and pull out his laptop. I surfed around for a while and messed around on iTunes a little bit and at about 1:30 I decided to do some writing. I have a notebook that I am trying to fill up with songs. Songs that mean a lot to me. I have three in there so far and what I do is write down the lyrics and then write down everything that I can find to say about it. Which thus far has been pages upon pages. I've been so busy that it's been a while since I've done one. So I pulled out my list that I have of songs to put in there and went to pick one. I figured that I probably wouldn't get much written in the way of my thoughts (it does take me quite a while to write those pages and pages) but I at least wanted to get the lyrics down to something. And I did that. I picked All At War, by none other than downhere.

When I write these things down, I listen to the song as I'm doing it. It's been a while since I really listened to downhere. So after I got the lyrics down and put my pen and paper aside, I had a real hankering to listen to the whole album. And that's what I decided to do. It was about 2:00 at this point. I turned on Ending Is Beginning, shut the laptop beside me on the bed, and lied down.

I really don't know what came over me. Maybe I was emotional from listening to All At War. I did start crying when I was listening to it. Maybe it had been so long since I had really listened to them that it hit me harder than normal. Maybe I've just been so busy that I needed to listen to my favorite band. Maybe God was trying to get my attention or trying to tell me something. Maybe it was a combination of all of those things.

Whatever it was, I lost it as soon as the first song started. And I will try my best to explain what I mean by that statement, but I'm sure I won't explain it well enough. I was sobbing. I was having trouble breathing, and therefore gasping for air. I was shaking. I was mouthing every word, unable to actually sing because of my tears and lack of breath. I was covering my face. I was running my hands through my hair. I was pulling my hair. I was holding my head. I was dancing. I was shaking my head, like a little kid displaying obvious dislike for something. I was groaning. I was protesting. I was lying immobile.

The first four things were the only things I really did consistently. All the rest I was cycling through. I'm sure I looked like I was in a lot of pain. Possibly like I was being tortured. And I may have even looked like I was possessed because everything I was doing was so schizophrenic. Is she dancing? Wait, her face is contorted. She can't be dancing. And there, she's beating her fists. But it looks like she's dancing again. And was that a grief smile that graced her mouth? She looks like she's trying to sing, but whatever it is must be pretty awful to make her do this. What's wrong with her?

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't normally do this kind of thing. I don't normally display a lot of emotion, to the point that I often hide a lot of personality because of that. I'm not the type to go insane. Not usually. The only other times I have done this have been when I was listening to particulary incredible music, such as Ending Is Beginning and when I have had profound encounters with God. And I must say, that the two are most often coinciding.

For anyone who has heard this album, you know how phenomenal it is. And perhaps you too can relate to some of what I have shared.

I tried to describe what I was doing and what I looked like, but there is no describing how I felt. I'm sure I looked like I was in pain, because I was overwhelmed. And I was overwhelmed by how amazing everything was. How amazing the music was. How amazing the lyrics were. How amazing God is.

Hope Is Rising has always been the one song on that album that has made my cry the most. The vast majority of times I have listened to it, I have cried. And I thought that I had cried pretty hard a few times. But never before have I cried when listening to that song as much and as hard as I did tonight. That was the one that had me lying immobile, except for the convulsions of me sobbing so much and gasping for air. I tried to lift my arms up and few times and I never did make it very far, so I eventually gave up.

I mentioned protesting in that bizarre list up there. Here's what I meant by that. In My Last Amen, toward the end there is a part where Marc is oohing, Jason jumps in and says "a little closer" and they do a half chorus and finish out the song...well, when Jason says that line, "a little closer," in all of his low, beautiful, amazingness, it gets me every time I hear it. That is my favorite part. Well, I knew it was coming and I knew it was going to get to me more than usual and add to the sobbing and gasping, so right before he said it, I actually said (in between sobs), "Jason, don't do that." And then later, during Beggar Who Gives Alms, Marc was oohing again, only in this song it's so pretty, and he's up so high, and it really gets to me, too, so I said, "Don't do it, Marc." That's just two examples. I had other statements of protest mixed in here and there. And as I'm saying this, I know how ridiculous it sounds. I actually feel compelled to laugh at myself. But there was nothing particularly funny in any of those moments. Just beauty that was so striking it was painful.

As much as I have talked about them, if you haven't listened to downhere yet, you should. Their new album, Ending Is Beginning, is a good place to start. Any album is a good place to start, really. If you're not enamored from the first listen, just give it time. They may never appeal to or affect you as much as they do me, but you will like them at least. I'm pretty certain that I can guarantee that.

And despite how awake I was earlier, I am very tired now. I spent nearly an hour consistently sobbing, every muscle contracting with each gasp for breath. Not to mention all of the insane moving that I did. On top of that, it is now 5:00 AM. I need to go to sleep. Therefore forgive me if this post does not make a lot of sense. The subject matter is strange anyway and it doesn't help that my brain is shutting down.

So, downhere may not be bad for year health, but maybe you can see why I might wonder about mine. At the very least, I do know that it is time consuming.