Grateful to be incapable.

Remember what I said yesterday about maybe passing theory IV?

I'm a little more unsure today. A little more than a little unsure, really. I'm trying to not count my eggs before they hatch, as they say, and not panic. Breathe in. Breathe out. Don't fret.

Money has also been concerning my brain. My attitude about money usually runs something like this: "I need to get across town today and I have just enough money to get enough gas to get across town and back home. I'm doing pretty good." But there are times when my insecurity gets the better of me, and I see what I expect is coming in the future, and I'm not sure how it's going to work out. And it bothers me. That's where I am right now.

I also injured myself on Tuesday. Somehow, in the course of my much walking in the rain, I pulled a muscle in my leg. Since then, I've been limping. It takes me twice as long to get anywhere. The elevators at school and I have become better friends. I feel handicapped. As someone who is always darting from one place to the next, motivated by an urge to get things done now and an intolerance of being late, it's frustrating.

Due to others in my family needing to use my car, I wasn't able to drive myself to school today. I hold no hard feelings against anyone. I'm happy that I have a car that is available when someone else needs it. But as soon as I got out of my second class, I was tempted to drive home for my break before my last class. Since we had a test, we got out earlier than normal, so the temptation was even stronger. But I can't go anywhere. Again, being the hyperactive person that I am, that's never easy for me.

In my next class, I have to get up and "teach." Instead of lecturing all of the time, my professor seems to like having his students learn by way of researching themselves and then telling the class what they've found. Essentially, we all lecture a little piece of what he would normally be doing himself and he supervises. This isn't an illogical concept, but public speaking and I still aren't the best of friends. I don't get nervous like I did at one time, at least not consciously. But my body still acts like I'm nervous, regardless of what my conscious feelings tell me. Whenever I have to speak in front of an audience, I feel fine inside, but my legs start shaking to the point that they won't support me. And I fear it comes through in my voice. This is another frustrating situation. I'm not nervous, so why do I shake? Even in a situation of complete confidence, I can't seem to get anything right.

In a word, I'm feeling incapable. In every area of life.

But this is a good thing. My incapability reminds me that I'm dependent, which is something that I, an extremely independent person, need to have put in front me regularly. Frustration, suffering, adversity, all of these things build character. They shape me into a better person.

As Caedmon's Call said in a song that I have loved since childhood, "I am thankful that I'm incapable."

"You know I ran across an old box of letters
While I was bagging up some clothes for Goodwill
But you Know I had to laugh at the same old struggles
That plagued me then are plaguing me still
I know the road is long from the ground to glory
But a boy can hope he's getting some place
But you see, I'm running from the very clothes I'm wearing
And dressed like this I'm fit for the chase

'Cause no, there is none righteous
Not one who understands
There is none who seek God
No not one, I said no not one

So I am thankful that I'm incapable
Of doing any good on my own

'Cause we're all stillborn and dead in our transgressions
We're shackled up to the sin we hold so dear
So what part can I play in the work of redemption
I can't refuse, I cannot add a thing

'Cause I am just like Lazarus and I can hear your voice
I stand and rub my eyes and walk to You
Because I have no choice

I am thankful that I'm incapable
Of doing any good on my own
I'm so thankful that I'm incapable
Of doing any good on my own

'Cause by grace I have been saved
Through faith that's not my own
It is a gift of God and not by works
Lest anyone should boast"