Business as usual.

So...............

I've graduated.

And I don't feel any different.

I don't feel like my IQ has raised 50 points. Or like I have any right to walk into miscellaneous social circles and extend some presumed authority on any given subject to persons not searching for it. Nor do I feel I've accomplished a mystical goal that only a select few individuals have the special makings to accomplish, thereby rendering me to be above all those without said specialness.

I think that's a good thing.

Thus, I feel like I'm in a good place.

I can't help but comment on the present circumstances in which I find myself, however.

From what I said above, I obviously didn't think something magical was going to happen when I graduated, nor that I would become anything more special than I already was. But I did have it in my head that in the interim between graduation and job-procuring I would do something different from what I have been doing. That the story of my life lately would change somewhat. And I suppose it has. I know it has. I haven't been writing research papers. Nor have I been forced to read an epic poem in two days. Or cram for a test. Or fight to stay awake when my eyes start feeling droopy.

But it hasn't changed as much as, or in the particular way that, I supposed it would, I guess.

I thought that I would go out and have a lot of fun with nearly everyone (within two specific states) that I've been missing for a good while, finding out where they are, when they have some free time, and directing my tires to their vicinity. I also thought that I would be spending a large amount of time leisure reading and finishing projects I've left undone for a long time.

And I've done some of that. I had two parties within a week of each other, and people that I know and love, more people than I care to tabulate, came to both of them. And I've done a fair bit of driving (so far, under 1,000 miles), catching up with long-missed friends and family at each of my destinations. I also finally finished Jane Eyre after having started it months ago, and am about to finish another book that I began a few days ago.

But I've also been doing an awful lot of sleeping. Too much. I really wish I would stop sleeping so much. I know that I have a bad habit of not sleeping enough, but am I really so behind as to warrant this? This being going to bed early-ish, sleeping much later than I have in a long time, and going back to bed after being awake two hours and sleeping through the main part of the day. It's getting kind of old. But I can't seem to make myself stop. And I've still been doing a lot of stuff that I always do, like housecleaning, and helping my family with mundane things and emergencies alike, and working (as in not the job kind of working, but the kind that has filled the life of this person who has never had a "job," and makes her feel like she's always had a "job" and wouldn't have time or energy to ever get a real "job." Incidentally, I understand why moms everywhere decide to stay at home with their kids. I don't technically have a child, but I take care of one particular child on a regular basis, and even without him, I would have an overabundance of obligations and fodder for my to-do list).

And so the ideal that I had in my head for the month after I graduated hasn't really manifested, as is the case with most ideals. Plans that I hoped to make haven't been made, and probably won't be made. And some plans that I did make have been undone for one reason or another. I told everyone that I would be away from home for six weeks. But it looks like I unknowingly lied. I'm going to have to briefly go home next week. My family needs me. And I need them. Which means I'm not going to escape the cicadas like I hoped I would.

Speaking of the ugly nuisances, I had a small feeling when I left that I wouldn't be missing them like I intended. There was something telling me that they and I would be just as intimately acquainted as we were 13 years ago. I pushed the thought out of my mind, because I was determined that nothing would bring us back together until June was no more than a memory. I guess I know why I had that feeling now.

Relating all this back to graduation, I had this notion, I suppose I still have this notion, that after people graduate, barring extreme circumstances, they do something. One option would be to get a job. I've also heard of many people who go off on a rare vacation, like a cruise. Or Disney World. Still others go backpacking, or tour Europe, take a long road trip, travel to some place they've never been before. In my case, I was content to stay in familiar territory, and do nothing but enjoy dinner, and church, and weddings, and birthday parties, and baby sitting, and ordinary mundane life with people whom I wish were more a part of my ordinary mundane life.

Instead, I'm cooking. And cleaning. And sleeping. And helping out my immediate family, the people I live with, just like I always do.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm not complaining. I'm happy I have the ability to cook and clean. And I'm happy to have such a good relationship with my family, and to know that they feel like they can count on me to help them out when they need it. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

But life is funny. I can't help but chuckle at irony. And make comments when reality doesn't emerge as planned.

As much as I anticipated I and my life wouldn't change immediately after graduating, I guess I still didn't realize the full extent of sameness that would occur.

Countdown to G-Day.

Five days!

Today, I finished reading the last novel of my college career. The number of assignments remaining for me to complete is dwindling rapidly. In the next three days, I have two tests to take and one paper to write. That's all.

Tomorrow, I go to pick up my cap and gown.

The reality of what is going to happen on Saturday is starting to sink in. I know graduating from a university is supposed to be a grand accomplishment. I do feel a sense of accomplishment that I presume will only increase as the diploma becomes mine and the whole ceremony becomes a thing of the past. But accomplishment is one of the least emotions I feel right now. I can list a number of other things that are much more prominent in my mind and heart.

Like relief. I have three things left to do. The end of this long road is in sight. I don't know that this is what is actually going to happen, but I feel like graduating is going to give me my life back. I don't feel like my life has been entirely lost since I started this adventure five years ago, but on the whole, I feel like I sold my soul to MTSU, I have had tunnel vision since then and have only looked up for brief moments, just long enough to let people know that I'm still alive and to retain enough of myself so that I wouldn't feel completely lost. After this, I know one type of work will replace the other. I will soon face the world of jobs. In regaining my life, I know I won't be ceasing to work, spending my days loafing around. But I don't see my life anymore being so thoroughly dominated by something I both don't know exactly why I'm doing nor really really want to be doing. We shall soon see if there is any credence in my idealism.

With that relief comes excitement for what's in the future. I don't know what's in the future. What will I being doing in a year? Six months? Your guess is as good as mine. I'm eager to see whose guess is most correct.

I'm also very grateful. Graduation itself means more for future times than it does for my immediate reality. Something that's more immediately germane are the people who are and who will be celebrating this graduation and my future with me. The part of this weekend I'm looking forward to most is the social element. The people I know mean a lot to me. Some of them I don't get to see very often. I so appreciate that there are people who desire to come spend time and their own life and resources to pour into my life. I think it's crucial that life be connected to other people, and if there was anything I did that did not also involve and mean something to someone else, then there's something missing. This wouldn't mean much to me if there was no one, even if it were only one person, around who cared.

Here's to the next five days. May I relish every moment.

May 1st, 2011.

I just wrote this in my journal. It's presented here with the same formatting that I use in my journal, which is no formatting.


It's May 1st, 2011. Big news just hit the public media. Osama Bin Laden is dead and the U.S. has his body. Please, tell me I'm not the only one crying. I do not condone all of the horrors that were instigated by him. It's appalling the evil that can be traced back to one man. But he's still a man. It's natural for loss of life to be grieved. I think what saddens me more, though, is how so many people in the world have reacted. There are people celebrating in the streets. I am trying very hard to not lapse into ill-placed judgment. I do understand why people rejoice. Terrible things have happened and any triumph over a source of evil is understandably something to celebrate. But it seems to me callous to let loose with wild mirth when a person has been hunted and killed. Situations like this are so hard. This is why I'm not in the military or involved in government. I can't. Being a human, with a limited perspective and understanding, it's hard for me to imagine anyone who can with good conscience. But I know there are things I don't understand and never will. And I pray to the God who has everything confined in his hands and trust that Jesus will make truth known. We're all called to different lives. I don't discount that a step has been taken toward making the world a safer place. But right now, I really want to know that I'm not the only one sitting alone, weeping.

A record stuck in an excitement rut.

12 days until I graduate! Not that I'm counting or anything.

Along with this blog, I often have thoughts about wanting to post online in general more. Or at least improve the quality/content of what I post. Aside from varied demands on my time I have one other big hang-up that impedes this from happening.

Life is too spectacularly great. Or I'm too confoundedly happy. Or both.

Why is this a problem?

I suspect that I sound like a broken record. And I don't want to sound like a broken record.

Half of the things I invent to tweet, aside from being too meaningless even for Twitter, usually read something like this: "That makes me really happy."; or, "I'm loving life."; or, "Today was a good day."

For those who only see things from the outside, I promise my life is more than "sunshine, daisies, butter mellow," but I don't like spreading around negativity, nor do I usually have time enough to conjure up something more witty and compelling to say than, "I'm excited!"

But I think I do have a right to be excited. Perhaps. Aside from the unusual moments that come along in my life, my day-to-day living usually presents something to enjoy. My family makes me laugh. All the time. Especially my brothers. I'm not sure the average number of calories a person burns in a day or week, but I'd be willing to guess that my total is above average.

School also offers much to relish. The things I do in class are usually more than mildly interesting. Sometimes even extraordinarily interesting. Aside from that, the place is swarming with people. Highly populated areas always provide much to capture my attention. People-watching is one of my favorite pastimes. And I always seem to run across the most delightful persons.

I've often thought that cameras should follow me around. It's not that I'm seeking my own reality TV show (heaven forbid), but the funniest, most awkward, most entertaining things happen around me consistently. In the age of blogs and YouTube, it seems like a shame for the rest of the world to not have a chance to see it.

Added to all of this are things which come along that don't happen every day. Some of them happen more than others, and some truly are once-in-a-lifetime experiences. All of them are appreciated. Some recent examples are:

• My cousin and childhood best friend got married, and her husband happens to be another one of my best friends.
• I went to Wisconsin for the first time, the furthest north I have ever been, and caught my first glimpse of Chicago along the way.
• Several of my out-of-town friends have come for visits, and we've done lots of exploring and had many adventures on every occasion.
  
• After living in Nashville for 12 years, I went to the Opryland Hotel for the first time.
• I watched my dad finally graduate from college last spring.
• This spring, I'm going to be the one graduating!

Interwoven through all of this are people. I have some of the greatest friends and family members in the world. For someone who used to be too shy to speak to her own shadow and is still more introverted than some people might ever guess, the relationships I have are beyond imagination. The nights I spend staying up late talking to my family, usually my brother and/or mom, are too numerous to calculate. They have been so integral in the development of who I am and have cultivated a love of and willingness/desire to really get to the heart of a person or a situation. I cherish any connection that I make with a person, even if it's a brief exchange in the elevator, but I've grown to be open to those elevator moments becoming something profound, and quite often profound moments crop up in the first ten minutes of meeting someone. Life is more fulfilling when lived this way.

And the people I feel a deep connection to are spread all over the place. It's also beyond imagination how the girl I used to be could manage to know so many people beyond the immediate vicinity where I live. But God saw fit to let my horizons expand. And I've moved from place to place, bonding with people along the way, and have (quite unexpectedly on my part) bonded with some people in the comfort of my own armchair through the glorious invention known as the Internet. Although I certainly advise caution and do not recommend letting down your cyber-guard for just anyone, don't rule out the possibility of making friends in the right context. I'm living proof that it's possible and that some people out there really are who they claim to be. And meeting them in person isn't nearly as awkward as you might expect. It might actually be one of the most natural meetings you will ever experience.

So apologies that I don't have anything new to say. At the risk of continuing to sound like a broken record, maybe when I graduate I'll be able to be more compelling. I don't know why that's so important to me. Perhaps it's because I tend to see the world as something with infinite intrigue. And when representing it, I want to pass the magnitude of that intrigue on to others. Mostly in hopes that they will be as enamored with life as I am. That's probably a bigger task than I realize.

But what's life without a challenge? Boring, that's what.

Crying, hippies, and Easter.

Let's get some business out of the way. I'm a bad blogger. And one of these days, not only will I post more, I'm actually going to make it look like something special. Moving on.

• My chest and shoulders kind of look like a lobster.
• It's 11:21 PM. I'm tired. And I have to be up at 5:30 in the morning. I'd ask why I'm still awake, but there would be no use. I'm awake because that's just what I do.
• Tomorrow's Easter. I love Easter.
• I cried this morning before 8:00 AM. I normally cry on a regular basis, but not normally before 8:00 AM.
• If I don't cry tomorrow, I'll be flabbergasted.
• I'm much more of a tree-hugging hippie than I let on most of the time. I like going shoeless. Even in the dirt. (Maybe especially in the dirt.) I don't ever want to shave. Trash on the ground, sometimes just trash in general, drives me up the wall. I'm cool with the idea of living in a van. At least for a while. All of the parts are there. Sans the hallucinogens.

An inconsequential list this. I think I'm just thinking through my fingers. One day I'll do more than think through my fingers. May that one day be soon. Graduation is in two weeks (!) and I feel that at that point I may get my life back. I have visions of reading, writing, making music, sewing, and making edible concoctions. I pray those visions reflect reality.

"Two things you told me."

Tonight I post only words that are not my own. Which is probably why they mean so much to me. Maybe they'll mean the same to you.

"Your Love Is Strong"
by Jon Foreman

Heavenly Father, you always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
Give me the food I need to live through today
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window, the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day
So why should I worry, why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?
Two things you told me, that you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Our God in heaven, hallowed be thy name above all names
Your kingdom come, your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
And keep us far from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

The White Council.

Tonight I will be brief.

I love spending time with people with wisdom. Which usually means spending time with people much older than I am. I particularly appreciate when that wisdom is not patronizing, recognizing that yes, I may not know as much as you, but no, it's not a flaw. I'm just only 22 and haven't had the chance to learn as much. But I'm willing to listen and grow.

Spent the evening as the only 20-something in a room full of people over twice my age. It seems reasonable, and likely expected, to say it was uncomfortable, but it wasn't. It was much more comfortable than all of the sitting in rooms full of 20-somethings that I do every day. People were willing to gently and gracefully speak what they know. There was no arrogance or defensiveness, motivated by a need to prove themselves for fear no one will take them seriously otherwise. And they just as gracefully were willing to listen to others, knowing they don't have all the answers and someone else might be able to reveal truth to them.

Here on this planet, I think that's one of the greatest marks of wisdom sometimes: knowing and conceding that you don't know everything.

May I always have that attitude, from now until the day I die.