Some days I'm almost convinced I'm going to spend my whole life alone.
I expect what you, the reader, make of that statement is different that what I, the writer, intend by it.
Now, semantically and syntactically, I'm sure we're on the same page. Or close to it. You're likely thinking I'm referring to never getting married, or finding my "other half," or however you want to phrase it, and if you do, you're right. I truly do have a hard time picturing myself as a member of that kind of relationship.
Or maybe you're thinking I'm referring to not only lacking a spouse, but perhaps being a recluse and never interacting with anyone, as much as is possible in this life. And while that's not really what I had in mind, I could honestly see that happening too.
Emotionally, however, I suspect my opening sentence sounds different in your head and heart than it does in mine.
When I say "I'm almost convinced I'm going to spend my whole life alone," don't imagine my voice with any sadness. I don't say it with a sigh. No wistfulness casts a shadow on my demeanor. Instead I say it as analytically as people who know me well could imagine I might, with a certain measure of wonder coloring my tone of voice.
As I mentioned before, I have a hard time picturing myself attached to anyone. I've always struggled to connect with my fellow humans on even the most rudimentary levels, so that's an obstacle. If I can't even make friends, how am I supposed to be a wife? But my social difficulties don't end there. If my only hindrance was struggle through unnatural territory, I'd rate my chances of relational success a lot higher. There are few challenges determination cannot subdue. The greater obstacle is my penchant for wandering in the other direction when there's a relationship in my path (and I use the term 'relationship' here in its purest sense, to mean an interaction with a person no matter how shallow or intimate). Actually, 'wandering' isn't the right word. At least not all the time. That implies a certain whimsy, or absent-mindedness, like something catches my attention and by the time I look up, I've unknowingly left my friend behind. That does happen. But what also happens more often than I'd like to admit is something much more intentional. 'Fleeing' is a better word in those instances. I have an unending desire to be alone, and at times it overcomes me to the point that I fervently run away. I've never seen or heard someone offer relationship advice and include in the list, "Regularly run away from your significant other. Distance yourself as much as you can, because that's the best way to get to know someone, and cultivate intimacy and trust." I think I'd quit seeing my counselor if they told me that.
Thus, on a purely intellectual level, staying single seems a likely outcome. And as I've already admitted to an unending desire for solitude and unattachment, I'm emotionally ready to accept that outcome as well. In fact, to be transparent, imagining that kind of life actually makes me a little excited at this period of my existence. Not only have I never not lived with people, I've spent years giving of myself unceasingly to my family, and I'm uber ready for a change of pace. Right about now, an unattached, single, solitary life sounds like bliss, the kind of which I'm almost unable to accept would be possible.
Returning to my original statement, if you want to imagine any emotion in my voice at all, imagine that - glee.
Which is where originates the wonder in my voice. Who becomes gleeful at the thought of a lonely life? Me, is the answer to that question. I'm sure there are others, but I certainly don't know any of them. If you happen to be reading this and can say the same for how you feel, please introduce yourself. Or if you don't fit the criterion, but know someone who does, please introduce us. As oxymoronic as it sounds, I sincerely would like to know someone who revels in disconnection. It's one of the rarest qualities I've ever encountered, and combined with the long list of my other quirks, makes me marvel as how imaginative God is when he creates.
Having spent all this time illustrating one point to you, I'm now going to make a declaration that seems to negate it. I love people. As deeply as I can fathom, I love people. What's unfortunate is everything I've said previously isn't negated by this truth, and most days I struggle to reconcile my love with that unending desire to be alone. I haven't figured out a way to do both at the same time, and if there did exist a way, I hope my better judgment would keep me from cheating on myself and others in such a fashion.
As easily as I can picture myself being alone, being married doesn't sound half bad either, and despite everything I've said so far, if that is a part of my future, I will welcome it whole-heartedly. But it's not a thing I sit around wishing for. I honestly only talk about it because everyone else does, and one does start to wonder why one's own inclinations seem to be different from the majority. If left to my own devices, I think the topic would rarely be explored. I have no vendetta against married people or boyfriends and girlfriends, but I do often wonder why people can't just be friends without expectation or suspicion of anything otherwise. Heterosexual relationships have always been cloaked in a suspicion of romance, which I think has always added an element of awkwardness to my interactions with boys despite me finding it unendingly easier to get along with them, simply because I'm leery of "OMG, do you like him?" conversations. But in our increasingly homosexually aware culture, even people of the same sex being extra chummy with one another is liable to make people watching from the outside think they're a "thing." I'm a huge supporter of understanding, support and acceptance, but when it's culturally acceptable for everyone you talk to to be your potential partner, it does make things messier for the relationship-phobic. Admittedly, though, we girls do have it easier because we've always been more chummy overall. I don't have too much to complain about. I do feel for all my touchy-feely brothers out there, though.
It's been a while since I've written a pointless blog, so I suppose it's forgivable that this is turning into such. I didn't have a thesis in mind when I started, and while I thought I might find one while writing like I usually do, it didn't happen. Let it be sufficient to say, this is just what's been on my mind. And if you want to take anything away from this, know that this is how I feel about the subject. I'm not looking for a husband. Or a boyfriend. And please don't be sad for me, because I'm really okay with that. I'm not depressed, or self-doubting thinking I'm not good enough. I know I'm just as good as anyone else could ever be, and it's for that reason I don't need anyone to validate me. I'm fine being me and only me. And if that ever changes, I'm not going to keep it a secret. You will definitely know because that is going to be some of the hugest news I've ever had to share.
