Here's what's on my mind right now....
Music. Big surprise there. Spend any amount of time with me, and even if you don't pick up on my obsession, I'm certain that you will at least gather that I like music. Or that I am musically inclined in some fashion. It's just such a big part of who I am, that, as cryptic as I may be most of the time, it can't stay hidden from other people's knowledge for long.
And just when I think it couldn't possibly consume more of my time, thoughts, and attention, I'm proven wrong. As time passes, it's increasingly all I want to do, listen to music, make music, study it. It's like an urgent need. And I also see it playing a larger role in my future more and more.
As I'm considering this, my analytical/critical self says, "It's just because you're under stress, and trying to distract yourself. You'd rather be singing than writing papers and studying for tests, and so you're avoiding what you don't want to do." She has a point. There's constantly something to do, and I spend a lot of my time trying to make sure that I stay my laid-back, relaxed self, and keep what little bit of a life I have. And if that means doing all of my homework the night before it's due, and turning in assignments that are less polished than what I am capable of producing in favor of spending time with my family and friends, and doing things that I enjoy, then so be it. For better or worse, I have chosen to not let academics take over my life completely.
Maybe that's irresponsible of me. Maybe I should have the attitude that if I'm going to do it at all, I should do my best, and devote myself completely. Maybe I should become a live-in at the library, say good-bye to people for a while, separate myself from the Internet unless I'm doing research, and stop participating in/letting myself be entertained by music. Because all of those things (save the library) really are distracting from school work. And why am I going to school, if I'm not going to be serious about it?
But I think I am serious about it. And taking those measures seems to be a bit extreme. Even though I have thought about them a lot. Because as much as I don't want to give up everything to academics, I also don't want to have things in my life that are nothing but distraction. I want to be committed to school. And I want what I do to have importance and purpose beyond postponing me having to think about how to tell you what I ate for dinner in German and how Transcendentalism applies to the works of Edgar Allan Poe. So if music is serving to be nothing but an appealing distraction, then I should look away.
But I honestly don't think that's all it is. I really believe that God has put it within me. And he's slowly showing me how it's supposed to fit into my life. That as well studying English. I'm still eagerly anticipating the day when it will all click, and I will finally be able to say, "Oh! That's why I went to school for four years and studied what I did." That day may not come until the day I die, but I'm keeping my eyes pealed.
As soon as school is behind me, perhaps I can further explore the world of music. For right now, I'm just praying for what I need to make it through the next three semesters. And this one, too. I have a big paper due Thursday, a presentation the following Monday, a speech the following Tuesday, and another big paper the following Wednesday. Not counting finals, which start the following Friday. Which brings up an excellent point. Why am I blogging?
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
The big, bad, scary Telephoneosaurus.
For those who don't know, I'm not fond of talking on the phone. It takes awkward conversations and magnifies the awkwardness.
But perhaps that's just a failing of my conversational skills. If I was a master verbal communicator then I could keep a conversation on the phone going and there would be much less chance of it getting awkward. In reality, the awkwardness isn't what bothers me so much. I have plenty of awkward face-to-face conversations, but when you're physically with someone, at least when there's a long silence you're still in each other's physical presence. While that may not do anything for some people, I kind of like just being around people whether we're talking or not. Perhaps that's just a quirk of my personality, but I really am fascinated by people. But when you're on the phone, after a few seconds of silence pass, you (or at least I) start to wonder, why are we listening to each other breathe? Listening to a person's breathing patterns can only tell you so much about them. I should find something else to say quick or start saying my good-byes.
Also, I can't read people on the phone. I get a lot from body language, and while tone of voice and breathing patterns say a lot, I feel lost if I can't see someone. This person's voice sounds kind of flat. Am I hearing them right? Are they bored? Having a bad day? Distracted? Wishing that I'd put them out of their misey by bidding them farewell and ending this awful experience, but being much too polite say so?
To reveal more of my insecurity, I often feel like I'm inconveniencing people when I call them. I don't know what's going on when they decide to answer the phone. It could be something important, and here I am interrupting them. And even if I'm not interrupting them, maybe they don't want to talk to me, but again are being too polite to say so.
However uncomfortable I may feel, I really don't like telling people that I don't like to talk on the phone, though. Even if I didn't tell you, it wouldn't be hard to figure out after you've known me a while, know I have your phone number, and notice that I haven't ever called you since our relationship started. But once I say it, that cements the idea. And I've noticed that some people who don't have any problems with phones otherwise, once they know that I don't like talking on the phone, feel bad about calling me. As if the fact that they called me would offend me, or something along those lines.
That in turn makes me feel bad, because I don't want to make people feel bad. Calling me is not an unforgivable crime, nor is it going to send me into a fit of hyperventilation. I don't choose to call other people very often, but never begrudge anyone who calls me. It won't kill me to be uncomfortable from time to time.
Thank God for the Internet, or I'd rarely talk to anyone.
But perhaps that's just a failing of my conversational skills. If I was a master verbal communicator then I could keep a conversation on the phone going and there would be much less chance of it getting awkward. In reality, the awkwardness isn't what bothers me so much. I have plenty of awkward face-to-face conversations, but when you're physically with someone, at least when there's a long silence you're still in each other's physical presence. While that may not do anything for some people, I kind of like just being around people whether we're talking or not. Perhaps that's just a quirk of my personality, but I really am fascinated by people. But when you're on the phone, after a few seconds of silence pass, you (or at least I) start to wonder, why are we listening to each other breathe? Listening to a person's breathing patterns can only tell you so much about them. I should find something else to say quick or start saying my good-byes.
Also, I can't read people on the phone. I get a lot from body language, and while tone of voice and breathing patterns say a lot, I feel lost if I can't see someone. This person's voice sounds kind of flat. Am I hearing them right? Are they bored? Having a bad day? Distracted? Wishing that I'd put them out of their misey by bidding them farewell and ending this awful experience, but being much too polite say so?
To reveal more of my insecurity, I often feel like I'm inconveniencing people when I call them. I don't know what's going on when they decide to answer the phone. It could be something important, and here I am interrupting them. And even if I'm not interrupting them, maybe they don't want to talk to me, but again are being too polite to say so.
However uncomfortable I may feel, I really don't like telling people that I don't like to talk on the phone, though. Even if I didn't tell you, it wouldn't be hard to figure out after you've known me a while, know I have your phone number, and notice that I haven't ever called you since our relationship started. But once I say it, that cements the idea. And I've noticed that some people who don't have any problems with phones otherwise, once they know that I don't like talking on the phone, feel bad about calling me. As if the fact that they called me would offend me, or something along those lines.
That in turn makes me feel bad, because I don't want to make people feel bad. Calling me is not an unforgivable crime, nor is it going to send me into a fit of hyperventilation. I don't choose to call other people very often, but never begrudge anyone who calls me. It won't kill me to be uncomfortable from time to time.
Thank God for the Internet, or I'd rarely talk to anyone.
"I panicked inside and decided to hide."
I've been thinking a lot lately about something I heard/read Jason Gray say recently.
I'm pretty sure it was him. I can't remember where it was. I am pretty certain I read it.
If I remember correctly, he was remembering a time in his life when he was struggling with the idea of growing in his relationship with God, because he knew that God's heart is for people, and if he becomes more like God, he'd have to serve people. I think that was the gist of it. And he didn't like that idea. Because people are draining. They're broken and messy and needy, and their problems are just too much.
I know what he means. I've noticed increasingly in myself recently this huge weight on my heart for people. I see things all the time that sadden me so much more than they did in the past. And I'm much more conscious of other people, picking up on little clues about they feel, and noticing subtleties of their personalities, and finding them all to be so fascinating. I can trace this turn back to a specific point in my life. A point that was quite revolutionary for me. A point....the point where I seriously jumped into this following/living with/getting to know Jesus thing. I didn't have enough foresight to know what all it would entail...or to even know the one detail that Jason noticed, even though all the evidence was leading to that conclusion.
And that's the way it should be. Otherwise there would be no room for faith. And I imagine we'd all run away and hide, because to know the full brevity of what we're getting ourselves into would overwhelm us. The people alone would do the job, I think. Because people really are messy. And very, very needy. And for someone like me, who thrives on secluding myself on a regular basis, the call to be out amongst my fellows, doing what I can to love them, can seem like a challenge I don't want to face.
But thankfully it's not my challenge to face. Not alone. God is the one that gives those people what they need. He just wants me, and everyone else, to get up and go, in his name, and he provides us with the strength and wisdom and whatever else may be required to give to those people. I see it happen in me all the time. Just when I think I can't do it, I end up leaving with a smile on my face, wondering, yet again, at the greatness of God. If we could keep this fact in perspective, God could probably lay everything that walking with him would entail out in front of us, and then we could get really excited about the incredible things he's going to do. But we can't ever seem to do that, so he wisely keeps things on a need-to-know basis. I don't usually like surprises, but his are exceptions.
Even if Jason Gray wasn't the one that said that, I'm certain someone did. I don't normally imagine things like that. Hopefully I'm giving credit to the right person. Because I was struck by that insight, and amused once again at us silly humans. Staying away from God because you're afraid of people is humorous. And sad at the same time.
Such is life.
I'm pretty sure it was him. I can't remember where it was. I am pretty certain I read it.
If I remember correctly, he was remembering a time in his life when he was struggling with the idea of growing in his relationship with God, because he knew that God's heart is for people, and if he becomes more like God, he'd have to serve people. I think that was the gist of it. And he didn't like that idea. Because people are draining. They're broken and messy and needy, and their problems are just too much.
I know what he means. I've noticed increasingly in myself recently this huge weight on my heart for people. I see things all the time that sadden me so much more than they did in the past. And I'm much more conscious of other people, picking up on little clues about they feel, and noticing subtleties of their personalities, and finding them all to be so fascinating. I can trace this turn back to a specific point in my life. A point that was quite revolutionary for me. A point....the point where I seriously jumped into this following/living with/getting to know Jesus thing. I didn't have enough foresight to know what all it would entail...or to even know the one detail that Jason noticed, even though all the evidence was leading to that conclusion.
And that's the way it should be. Otherwise there would be no room for faith. And I imagine we'd all run away and hide, because to know the full brevity of what we're getting ourselves into would overwhelm us. The people alone would do the job, I think. Because people really are messy. And very, very needy. And for someone like me, who thrives on secluding myself on a regular basis, the call to be out amongst my fellows, doing what I can to love them, can seem like a challenge I don't want to face.
But thankfully it's not my challenge to face. Not alone. God is the one that gives those people what they need. He just wants me, and everyone else, to get up and go, in his name, and he provides us with the strength and wisdom and whatever else may be required to give to those people. I see it happen in me all the time. Just when I think I can't do it, I end up leaving with a smile on my face, wondering, yet again, at the greatness of God. If we could keep this fact in perspective, God could probably lay everything that walking with him would entail out in front of us, and then we could get really excited about the incredible things he's going to do. But we can't ever seem to do that, so he wisely keeps things on a need-to-know basis. I don't usually like surprises, but his are exceptions.
Even if Jason Gray wasn't the one that said that, I'm certain someone did. I don't normally imagine things like that. Hopefully I'm giving credit to the right person. Because I was struck by that insight, and amused once again at us silly humans. Staying away from God because you're afraid of people is humorous. And sad at the same time.
Such is life.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Love is a must.
I spoke some challenging words in my speech class Thursday: "people must love other people." Together, in that order.
The latest assignment in my speech class was to give a persuasive speech. This was the one that I had not been looking forward to. I'm not the persuading type. I actually briefly thought of telling my classmates that in my speech and devoting the bulk of my speech to telling them the reasons why I think persuasion can be dangerous, and hopefully persuade them to see my point of view. But I only thought that for a minute. That would have been ridiculous.
Pushing the ridiculous out of my mind, I then started thinking about what, if anything, would I feel strongly enough about to attempt to persuade my audience of classmates. That was important for me to figure out. Even though it was an assignment, and the point was to deliver a persuasive speech, regardless of what the content was or what I personally felt about the subject, I couldn't comfortably stand up there and talk about something I didn't agree with, or even something largely benign that I didn't feel strongly about. I'm not good at faking sincerity. And since I only persuade in extreme cases, I had to dig deep inside and find what was at the core of myself.
And thus I was inspired to say to my classmates, "people must love other people." Because I really do believe that. And according to my professor, I made my case well. I introduced my speech with the Golden Rule. I pointed out that Jesus said those words, and yet there are people of all different cultural backgrounds with varying belief systems that use them as a behavioral guide. And then I shared how that idea supported one of the beliefs that I hold most dear, which is that we as people must love other people. And to show an example of one way which I have done than in my own life, I spent the majority of the remaining time talking about World Vision.
I had so many fears going into it, and more so while I was speaking. Being vulnerable is never easy, and I was essentially placing my heart out on display. In the minutes leading up to my speech, the predominating thought running through my mind was, "What in the world are you thinking?" Most people had topics like: drink more water; eat at home more; heavy metal music does not inherently lead to anger, depression, and violence; the United States should have a universal healthcare system; premium dog food is better for your dog than value brands; and so forth. Things that (mostly) do not challenge a person's beliefs or values. But here I come to tell them something that, if they put it into practice, will rock their worlds.
I was also afraid that I would come across as being manipulative. Even insincere. Although I said earlier that I'm not good at faking sincerity, one of my biggest concerns continually is that my sincerity won't be communicated and people will think I'm not genuine. Sincerity is very important to me. I shared that in my speech, right before I played a clip from a World Vision video. I told them how so much of the time I don't like videos and things of that nature, because all they are is manipulative, trying to make people feel guilty or hoodwink them in order for some person or organization to get some kind of benefit. There's little to no substance to them, but they're making good-hearted people believe there is. But I then told them that World Vision was an exception, because they really are helping real people, and so whenever I watch a World Vision video I don't roll my eyes, like I so often feel inclined to do. Even as I shared that, I wasn't sure whether it would help me or hurt me in establishing my sincerity.
And all this was accompanied by my usual anxieties in speaking in front of an audience. I was doing a lot of praying leading into it. But from all indications, it went well. I went way over the time limit, but my professor still gave me a 99. She made a lot of comments, and amongst them was "good emotional appeal." So, whatever anyone else may have thought, at least she didn't think I was coming on too strong. And it would seem that at least one person agreed, because as I was walking back to my seat, one of my classmates said, "That was good."
I thank God for giving me words. And for giving me boldness in stating what I believe is true. My nearly 9 minutes at the front of the class was all him. Because I wouldn't have gotten up there and said what I did if I didn't believe that that's his message that he's trying to communicate to the world.
By the way, I also had to give a presentation in German that same morning. So I was that much more stressed that day. But it turned out well also. For the third time this semester, I ended up singing in front my class, and this time it was captured on video! I was out of breath, but they still seemed to think that I had right to claim that I could sing. All in all, Thursday was a great day.
The latest assignment in my speech class was to give a persuasive speech. This was the one that I had not been looking forward to. I'm not the persuading type. I actually briefly thought of telling my classmates that in my speech and devoting the bulk of my speech to telling them the reasons why I think persuasion can be dangerous, and hopefully persuade them to see my point of view. But I only thought that for a minute. That would have been ridiculous.
Pushing the ridiculous out of my mind, I then started thinking about what, if anything, would I feel strongly enough about to attempt to persuade my audience of classmates. That was important for me to figure out. Even though it was an assignment, and the point was to deliver a persuasive speech, regardless of what the content was or what I personally felt about the subject, I couldn't comfortably stand up there and talk about something I didn't agree with, or even something largely benign that I didn't feel strongly about. I'm not good at faking sincerity. And since I only persuade in extreme cases, I had to dig deep inside and find what was at the core of myself.
And thus I was inspired to say to my classmates, "people must love other people." Because I really do believe that. And according to my professor, I made my case well. I introduced my speech with the Golden Rule. I pointed out that Jesus said those words, and yet there are people of all different cultural backgrounds with varying belief systems that use them as a behavioral guide. And then I shared how that idea supported one of the beliefs that I hold most dear, which is that we as people must love other people. And to show an example of one way which I have done than in my own life, I spent the majority of the remaining time talking about World Vision.
I had so many fears going into it, and more so while I was speaking. Being vulnerable is never easy, and I was essentially placing my heart out on display. In the minutes leading up to my speech, the predominating thought running through my mind was, "What in the world are you thinking?" Most people had topics like: drink more water; eat at home more; heavy metal music does not inherently lead to anger, depression, and violence; the United States should have a universal healthcare system; premium dog food is better for your dog than value brands; and so forth. Things that (mostly) do not challenge a person's beliefs or values. But here I come to tell them something that, if they put it into practice, will rock their worlds.
I was also afraid that I would come across as being manipulative. Even insincere. Although I said earlier that I'm not good at faking sincerity, one of my biggest concerns continually is that my sincerity won't be communicated and people will think I'm not genuine. Sincerity is very important to me. I shared that in my speech, right before I played a clip from a World Vision video. I told them how so much of the time I don't like videos and things of that nature, because all they are is manipulative, trying to make people feel guilty or hoodwink them in order for some person or organization to get some kind of benefit. There's little to no substance to them, but they're making good-hearted people believe there is. But I then told them that World Vision was an exception, because they really are helping real people, and so whenever I watch a World Vision video I don't roll my eyes, like I so often feel inclined to do. Even as I shared that, I wasn't sure whether it would help me or hurt me in establishing my sincerity.
And all this was accompanied by my usual anxieties in speaking in front of an audience. I was doing a lot of praying leading into it. But from all indications, it went well. I went way over the time limit, but my professor still gave me a 99. She made a lot of comments, and amongst them was "good emotional appeal." So, whatever anyone else may have thought, at least she didn't think I was coming on too strong. And it would seem that at least one person agreed, because as I was walking back to my seat, one of my classmates said, "That was good."
I thank God for giving me words. And for giving me boldness in stating what I believe is true. My nearly 9 minutes at the front of the class was all him. Because I wouldn't have gotten up there and said what I did if I didn't believe that that's his message that he's trying to communicate to the world.
By the way, I also had to give a presentation in German that same morning. So I was that much more stressed that day. But it turned out well also. For the third time this semester, I ended up singing in front my class, and this time it was captured on video! I was out of breath, but they still seemed to think that I had right to claim that I could sing. All in all, Thursday was a great day.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
The Greatest Story Ever Sung: Part Three - I Will Follow Your Voice
Is this really only the third one of these I've done? I thought for sure I had done at least one more already. How time flies.
This song is anthemic, and I often claim it as my own anthem.
I Will Follow Your Voice
by: downhere
"I can hear the people
I hear the ideals they love
I can hear preachers that please other seekers
The message of heroes and proclamation of kings
I hear the messages
I hear the debate
I hear all the love songs
I hear all the promises
I hear music that dreamers create
I won't take advice from cynics
I won't listen to the word of fools
Sure, everyone has their own take
On what I should do, but...
I will follow your voice
I will follow your voice
I will trust your choice
I will not fear
I will follow your voice
I will follow your voice
Not my will, but yours
Be done here
I can hear the questions
The answers that breed doubt
The spiritual poison of hecklers and demons
Who whisper in corners, hoping for a sell-out
I can feel the pressure
To filter every word I say
To sit down in silence
Put up with injustice and turn the other way
I won't take advice from cynics
I won't listen to the word of fools
Sure, everyone has their own take
On what I should do, but...
I will follow your voice
I will follow your voice
I will trust your choice
I will not fear
I will follow your voice
I will follow your voice
Not my will, but yours
Be done here
I hear about a war
I lose with tragic force
I hear I'm going down
I'm headed for the ground
I hear I should panic
I should be afraid
I hear through all the noise
A still and steady voice say, "Wait."
With every channel on
We don't know where we belong
With every channel on
We don't know where we belong
Help me to hear your voice
Above all the other noise
Help me to hear your voice
Above all the other noise
I will follow your voice
I will follow your voice
I will trust your choice
I will not fear
I will follow your voice
I will follow your voice
Not my will but yours
Be done here.....down here"
I love that little "down here" at the end. :-)
I often need to claim the words of the chorus in this song, and the part that says, "Help me to hear your voice/Above all the other noise." I have so much coming at me all time. Humanity can get kind of overwhelming when you're surrounded by college students every day. Being a student in itself can be a pretty desperate condition, but its desperation is multiplied when the student is 18 - early-20-something, as are most. With everything going on in the world around me, I have to make a conscious effort to refocus and to pay attention to the voice that matters most, which is the voice of God. Which is why I read the Bible every day. And listen to music that contains scriptural concepts. And pray. And interact with other like-minded people, who are led by the Holy Spirit. And try to be still and quiet from time to time, in order to get rid of distractions, even well-intentioned ones.
Tomorrow is Monday....Lord, please help me to hear your voice.
This song is anthemic, and I often claim it as my own anthem.
I Will Follow Your Voice
by: downhere
"I can hear the people
I hear the ideals they love
I can hear preachers that please other seekers
The message of heroes and proclamation of kings
I hear the messages
I hear the debate
I hear all the love songs
I hear all the promises
I hear music that dreamers create
I won't take advice from cynics
I won't listen to the word of fools
Sure, everyone has their own take
On what I should do, but...
I will follow your voice
I will follow your voice
I will trust your choice
I will not fear
I will follow your voice
I will follow your voice
Not my will, but yours
Be done here
I can hear the questions
The answers that breed doubt
The spiritual poison of hecklers and demons
Who whisper in corners, hoping for a sell-out
I can feel the pressure
To filter every word I say
To sit down in silence
Put up with injustice and turn the other way
I won't take advice from cynics
I won't listen to the word of fools
Sure, everyone has their own take
On what I should do, but...
I will follow your voice
I will follow your voice
I will trust your choice
I will not fear
I will follow your voice
I will follow your voice
Not my will, but yours
Be done here
I hear about a war
I lose with tragic force
I hear I'm going down
I'm headed for the ground
I hear I should panic
I should be afraid
I hear through all the noise
A still and steady voice say, "Wait."
With every channel on
We don't know where we belong
With every channel on
We don't know where we belong
Help me to hear your voice
Above all the other noise
Help me to hear your voice
Above all the other noise
I will follow your voice
I will follow your voice
I will trust your choice
I will not fear
I will follow your voice
I will follow your voice
Not my will but yours
Be done here.....down here"
I love that little "down here" at the end. :-)
I often need to claim the words of the chorus in this song, and the part that says, "Help me to hear your voice/Above all the other noise." I have so much coming at me all time. Humanity can get kind of overwhelming when you're surrounded by college students every day. Being a student in itself can be a pretty desperate condition, but its desperation is multiplied when the student is 18 - early-20-something, as are most. With everything going on in the world around me, I have to make a conscious effort to refocus and to pay attention to the voice that matters most, which is the voice of God. Which is why I read the Bible every day. And listen to music that contains scriptural concepts. And pray. And interact with other like-minded people, who are led by the Holy Spirit. And try to be still and quiet from time to time, in order to get rid of distractions, even well-intentioned ones.
Tomorrow is Monday....Lord, please help me to hear your voice.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Musings on a Saturday night.
I can't do anything halfway. Or if I do, I feel uneasy about it. I'd rather go all the way, or not waste my time.
This characteristic manifests itself in different ways. For instance, when I like something, I really like it. You regular readers have probably picked up on that. If I don't really like it, then I don't pay a whole lot of attention to it. Also, whenever I set out to accomplish something, I stick with it until it's done. If I feel like I can't follow through, then I usually don't start. And when it comes to homework, especially writing papers, I practically beat my head against the wall until I feel like I've done the best I can.
This tendency carries both positives and negatives. On the positive side, I'm generally a really hard worker. And since I insist on doing things well, the end result of what I do is usually pretty good. But on the not-so-positive side, if faced with a challenge that I'm not sure I can conquer, I don't usually try. And I'm so incredibly hard on myself. I also fear that I am too often consumed, because I pour so much of myself into whatever it is I am doing or thinking about. And being consumed is only a bad thing, because I might miss or neglect something important.
And right now this characteristic is telling me to delete this post, because I don't really have a point, and everything has to have a point.
This characteristic manifests itself in different ways. For instance, when I like something, I really like it. You regular readers have probably picked up on that. If I don't really like it, then I don't pay a whole lot of attention to it. Also, whenever I set out to accomplish something, I stick with it until it's done. If I feel like I can't follow through, then I usually don't start. And when it comes to homework, especially writing papers, I practically beat my head against the wall until I feel like I've done the best I can.
This tendency carries both positives and negatives. On the positive side, I'm generally a really hard worker. And since I insist on doing things well, the end result of what I do is usually pretty good. But on the not-so-positive side, if faced with a challenge that I'm not sure I can conquer, I don't usually try. And I'm so incredibly hard on myself. I also fear that I am too often consumed, because I pour so much of myself into whatever it is I am doing or thinking about. And being consumed is only a bad thing, because I might miss or neglect something important.
And right now this characteristic is telling me to delete this post, because I don't really have a point, and everything has to have a point.
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