I got out!

I finished my monster of a paper. It was quite miraculous.

The assignment was essentially three papers in one. Granted, they were three short papers, but I still had to come up with three different ideas, and I was struggling to even find one. I finished the first third yesterday and it took me most of the day. I was happy when I had it done, but I was still concerned because I figured that the part I had finished was going to be the easiest and I knew I had to write the other two harder thirds today, with less available time, and I still had no idea what I was going to do.

I was praying. A lot.

I wrote the second third this afternoon in about 2 and a half hours. That's from the moment I got the idea to the point when I typed the last word. I never write that fast. Ever. For someone who likes to write and does it often, I am a terribly slow writer. I was amazed.

But I still had the last third to do, and I was figuring that it was going to be the hardest.

This evening, after dinner, I sat down and started brainstorming. For quite a while nothing came. If I hadn't have been so focused, my level of concern probably would have started rising. But I was determined. And finally it hit me. From that point, I had it done in two hours. It was obviously not the hardest to write.

With an additional 30 minutes I fixed a few problems, tied-up some loose ends, listed my works cited, etc., and then I was completely done. It was a miracle.

God was helping me. All the praying I had been doing for days paid off. I'm still amazed.

Now with that being said, I'm not exactly sure how worthy of reading the monster is. Just because I came up with ideas doesn't mean that they were good ideas. And just because I got something down on paper doesn't mean that it's any good either. I just asked God to give me something, I didn't say it had to be a good something. Maybe I should have done that. We'll see what my professor has to say. And thankfully, if it's awful, I will have to chance to fix it. She's cool like that.

One thing's for sure, I will never forget The Vagina Monologues. I'm also pretty sure that I've never written the word "vagina" so many times in my life, nor will I probably ever again. You can also bet that I'm going to be selling the book as soon as this class is over and if I never see it again, I'll be perfectly content.

The next book we're reading in this class is The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Mark Twain is much more my thing.

I'm stuck.

I have a paper due Friday for my Intro to Literary Studies class and I'm completely stuck. I don't even know where to begin. It's currently Tuesday night. So I have from now until when I go to bed Thursday night to finish it.

I'm trying really hard not to panic.

I won't get into all the details of the paper, because it's complicated, but I will just say that what I'm being asked to do is part of what's holding me up. But I think the biggest problem is the subject matter.

The paper is on "The Vagina Monologues" by Eve Ensler. If not the most, it is at least one of the most uncomfortable, awkward things I have ever read in my life. Parts of it were fine. I even laughed a couple of times while reading it. But on the whole, I found myself thinking, "I really don't want to be reading this." And if I don't want to read it, I really don't want to write about it.

We were informed on the first day that we would be reading "The Vagina Monologues" in class at some point and there was still time to withdraw if we were uncomfortable with the idea. I didn't think anything about it. I honestly was kinda curious about it, about what it would entail, what Eve Ensler would have to say. So I definitely wasn't opposed to the idea or the subject matter. But I had barely started reading it when I started thinking, "Okay, I really want to put this book down and never touch it again. And I wish I hadn't spent my money on it." Thankfully, it's very short, so it was not a time-consuming read. If it had been, I don't know what I would have done.

But I am still left with the challenge of writing about something I strongly dislike. I'm struggling to find something that I can objectively talk about, when all I really want to do is list all the things that bother me and why they bother me and how it could have been handled so much better.

I'm praying that inspiration will strike and clear thinking will prevail. Because I only have two days to do this. And technically not even that much, because I do have classes to go to and things to do during those two days. Not to mention the fact that I'm exhausted and feel like I've been half-asleep for over a week.

Lord, help me.

Ich kann Deutsch!

"Ich kann Deutsch" exactly translates to "I can German." To us English speakers, that doesn't make any sense, but in German it's just understood that if you say "Ich kann Deutsch" or "Ich kann Englisch" that what you really mean is "I can speak German, English, etc." You could say "Ich kann Deutsch sprechen" which is "I can speak German" (or German speak, actually) but it's not required.

For those who weren't aware, now you know, I am learning how to speak German. It has been very interesting and so much fun. It has also helped me to realize just how much of a language geek I really am because I get just as excited (maybe even more) about German grammar as I do about English grammar!

It helps that I have been blessed with a wonderful professor. He's all geeky about grammar, too, and he is such a good teacher. And hilarious! My German class is by far the most fun of all my classes. In a recent class, I started laughing so hard that I was almost having trouble breathing. And I wasn't the only one. I am known to get giggly, but I don't normally laugh out loud alone for a prolonged period of time in a room full of people. I haven't quite reached that level of quirkiness.

I am however quirky enough to randomly speak German, even when I know no one around will understand me. My brother hears it more than anyone else and it seems to get on his nerves. :) Even though I think it's pretty cool that I can carry on a basic conversation and make exclamations, it surprises me how much I've learned in such a short period of time and how naturally it comes to me. It's only been about six months. And just recently my brother and I were leaving a coffee shop and I looked around the parking lot to locate my car and before I even thought to say "Where's the car?" I heard the words "Wo ist das Auto?" come out of my mouth. I'm thinking in German! Do you know how exciting that is?

I have no idea how far I'll take this. Will I learn it well enough to consider myself fluent? Will I go to a German speaking country one day? I don't know. I'll be interested in seeing what comes about.

Dreams

I think I may know one thing that contributed to my unrest this week. Or was perhaps caused by my unrest. I was bombarded with an unusual number of unusual dreams this week.

Dreams are not unusual for me. I have them frequently. But lately, with life being as busy as it is, I don't normally have them every night, and when I do dream, I don't usually remember much about the dream, if I remember anything at all. And none of them are ever normal. Strange things are always happening. But my dreams this week were consistently more vivid and more abnormal than what comes in an average week.

Here's a vague rundown of some of the things I encountered in dreamland this week:

I know this happened at least once, although I'm thinking it may have happened more than once...some random guy hitting on me. And no matter what I did, and no matter how clearly I made my thoughts and feelings known, the guy just didn't get the point and kept coming. And to be perfectly candid, it progressed beyond hitting on me to an even more uncomfortable territory. I'll spare you the details. I think you get the picture.

I'm pretty sure there was some death mixed in there. Amongst other terrifying things. Someone's always in trouble, or in pain. Sometimes it's just me, but most often it's a group that I may or may not be a part of, or one specific person other than myself. And I'm always trying to figure out what to do.

And just strange things in general. It's like a science-fiction circus decided to parade around my brain.

What's the worst is that when I have really vivid dreams like the ones I had this week, they follow me around. What I mean by that is, I can't stop thinking about them. They're always forefront in my mind. It makes it really hard to concentrate, because I can't focus on anything else. And if I happen to see any of the people that were in the dream, that's even worse. I can't look at or speak to them without thinking about what I just dreamed.

So I think that may have been at least part of the cause of my distress this week. There's nothing like going to school and trying to paying attention to the professor and being able to think of nothing but some guy who was harrassing you while you slept. Not to mention, I've noticed that the nights when I have the most fitful sleep are nights when I dream the most.

While we're on the subject of dreams, this reminds me of the song "15" by downhere. In that song, Marc Martel is focusing on fame, pursuing fame. I do have dreams centered around fame, my fame, every once in a while, but most often they feature things like explosions and weddings and get-togethers with friends, that have nothing to do with me or anyone else being famous. But Marc asks a question in that song that I find myself asking about all my of my dreams,
"...in my waking I know better, but if dreams are like desires then why's it even in my heart that I wanna be famous for a minute...or fifteen?" Why's it in my heart that my friends are all getting sick, or serial killers are massacaring my town, or my family members are going insane, or that guys are stalking me, or that I'm suddenly able to fly around the room, or even something as innocent as two of my closest friends falling in love? What inspires all of those things? I don't go around thinking about them during the day. I don't obsess over them, they're not ever anything I worry about. I don't ever wish they would occur. So from where do they, the good, bad and indifferent, come?

I don't know that I'll ever get an answer, but I still wonder....

Heartsick

This has been a rough week. Why? I don't really know.

All I know is, I haven't felt this tired in a while. I've been sleepy since I woke up Monday morning. I am known for not sleeping, so you might think that it's catching up with me, but I have slept more this week than I have in a long time. And maybe that's my issue. I'm just not accustomed to sleeping this much. But one wouldn't think that getting extra sleep at night would make you start nodding off in class much more than usual....

This week has also been light on the homework front. Which means less stress. And with less stress, the logical result is that one will feel better. Logic seems to have failed me this time.

My mother looked at me last night while I was feeling cold and miserable and said, "You look weary." Yes, Mama, that's because I am. Those were the words that ran through my head, but I didn't actually say that to her. Speaking seemed to be a bit too difficult at the moment. All I managed to muster to was a slight nod in agreement.

Whatever the source of my weariness, I plan on resting and rejuvenating this weekend. I don't know exactly what that's going to look like. We'll see. I already feel somewhat rejuvenated. My littlest brother, Austyn, and I were at home alone for several hours this afternoon/early evening and we spent some quality brother/sister time together, during which two of the things we did were wash some dishes and bake a cake. We made a good team, both on the dish washing front and the cake baking front. It helps that baking is one of my favorite things to do. (Dish washing certainly is not. It makes me feel quite sick.) But I think that having some fun with Austyn was what made the most difference. I am amazed at how much better I feel now than I did this afternoon.

So perhaps the weariness stems at least in part from me feeling slightly heartsick from not doing what I love and having enough fun. So maybe I should forget about my homework and sing, dance and play the rest of the weekend!

It sounds good in theory, at least. ;)

A step of faith

Jason Gray has quickly become one of my favorite musicians, so when I saw that he was going to be about an hour and a half from my house, I decided that I had to go see him. So, last night, that's what I did. Since he was the opening act, he only played three songs, but they were three fantastic songs. I had a great time, and my brother and I talked with him briefly afterward. It was an amazing night.

But I think that what made it the most amazing was something entirely different.

Through Jason Gray and his label mates (and my not-so-secret obsession) downhere I have heard much about the work of World Vision. And from all that I've seen and heard, I've always thought that what they're doing is great and part of me felt drawn to be a part of it, to sign up to sponsor a child. But I just told myself over and over again that I couldn't afford it. I don't have any steady income. What money I do get lasts as long as it lasts and when it's gone, it's gone. I still depend on my parents to make sure that I don't starve and that I'm able to take a bath, so how in the world would I be able to send someone money every month?

Last night, Jason talked to all of us about World Vision and all these places around the world that are far worse off than I ever am even on my worst of days. And I felt like God was saying, "Emily, you have no excuse. Sure, maybe you don't have much money, but the money's mine anyway. I'll give you whatever you need."

So I did it. I went to the World Vision table after the show and signed up to sponsor a beautiful girl. Her name is Snethemba Ladylove. Her name was what led me to choose her. There were so many faces, it was overwhelming, but I saw "Ladylove" and knew immediately that she was the one. She'll be 14 really soon in March and she lives in South Africa with her grandmother and her two sisters.

I have no idea where the money for this is going to come from every month. I'm trusting in God to make sure it's there. He is faithful and he provides.

Please, may I have your attention.

Apparently I needed more proof that I need to slow down, because I got some today. Nothing big, but just something else to add to the list.

I went to Wal-Mart a little while ago, and when I got home I realized that I made some purchasing errors. Being the cheapskate that I am, that's never a pleasant realization.

1.) I found a shirt there that I liked that had a sticker on it that said $3.00. I thought, "Hey, $3, I can do that. I don't find clothes that cheap very often." But when I was checking out, I didn't make sure it came up as $3. I just bought it without paying attention. When I looked at my receipt after I got home, it was listed as $5. Oh. If the tag had said $5, I wouldn't have even considered buying it. Why didn't I pay attention when I was checking out? Yes, it's only a $2 difference, and that's alright, but the point is that I should have been paying attention.

2.) I also purchased some new underwear. If this idea makes you uncomfortable, you won't want to read beyond this point. For the rest of you, I thought that I picked up the same kind of underwear that I usually buy, but I get home and take a closer look, and sure enough, they were different. They may work just fine and it won't be a problem at all, but still I should have been paying attention.

Also, after my concert this afternoon, I got the clothes out of the car that I had brought to change into out of my hot, black choir dress, and I headed to the bathroom to put them on. I'm standing in the stall, stripped down to my undergarments before I realize that I left my shirt in the car. Crud. So I start putting my dress back on and just then my mom walks into the bathroom. She had noticed my shirt sitting the back seat and she brought it to me. Thank God for mothers.

I was obviously scatter-brained today. Maybe this week will be better. Or maybe it won't and I'll accumulate more reasons to laugh at myself. Either way, I'll count that as a win.

Cousin It lives on my floor.

That came off of my carpet. It's a wad of hair, in case you can't tell. And yes, it is that massive. Nearly the size of my hand.

I am currently in the process of cleaning my room. I just vacuumed the floor. But before I vacuum the floor, I always have to do a pre-vacuum with my hands to pick up all the hair. If I tried to get it with the vacuum, the machine would clog, the beater bar would get so tangled it would be useless, and I'd have an even bigger mess on my hands. (Can you tell that I speak from experience?) So I get down on my hands and knees, crawl around on the floor, and rub my hands in circles across the carpet to get as much as I can.

Be thankful you didn't see how much I picked up when I didn't clean my room for three months!

Conductor, slow down the train!

I'm running out of steam. I feel like I've been running a mile a minute, quite ungracefully, much like a chicken with its head cut off. And even then, I can't seem to catch up. I still have so much to do at the end of every day. And I have a continual sleep-debt. There are days when I'm walking around and my eyes are open, but I almost feel like I'm sleeping while going about my business.

Besides being so tired, I'm so wrapped up in my junk that I feel like I can't look up; there's no time to look up if I'm to do what I need to do. I don't like that, because I start pushing out good things, even necessary things. I've still been making time to read the Bible every day, and I'm happy about that, but I still feel like I'm not giving God enough time. I just kinda throw a few thoughts in his direction throughout the day, and before I drift off to sleep I'll say something like, "Hey. I thank you that I'm still alive. I'm tired. I need to go to sleep. Good night."

That's not how it should be. But I don't know what to do. Or at least, I can't see what I need to do. I find that often, God has already given me the answers to my questions, but I'm so caught up in the question that I can't see anything else.

I need to back out of the question.

But I can't back out of the question, because then I won't get done what needs to be done.

But I'm already not getting done what needs to be done.

I need to back out of the question....

I'm so square.

I was going to write this last night, but I fell asleep before I had the chance. Goes to show how tired I was, because I don't normally just fall asleep.

I got in my cry for the week. And it came nice and early in the week, so chances are that more will come later and I'll exceed my weekly average.

On my Facebook, you can find me saying, "I'm one of a kind. Whether that's a good thing or not, I have still yet to determine," and "I march to my own beat and I like it that way." Well, yesterday I had one of those times in which I wasn't liking it so much which leads to me not being able to determine if my uniqueness is really such a good thing after all.

Now that I've had some time to sleep on it, I'm not feeling quite so down, but yesterday I was struggling a little. That happens from time to time and I just have to work through my lament and sooner or later I come out on the other side.

But yesterday was a trying day. I won't go into all the inky details, but I felt like everything that negatively impacted me, came as a result of me or the things that I do being different. I do not fit any conventional standards and it makes things difficult sometimes. I picture myself as a square trying to fit into a circular hole and it just doesn't work.

Like I said, I'm feeling pretty normal again. I'm still a square who can't fit into a circle, but that's alright. I don't have to fit in a circle. And I'm glad I don't fit in circles, because, as they say, variety is the spice of life. I don't want to be like anyone else.

And in reality, even the ones who appear most circular have little corners that stick out here and there. So why in the world are we trying to fit in circles that weren't made for us? Even preschoolers know that doesn't work.

Many voices, one sweet sound

I have noticed a trend in a lot of the music I like: the more vocals, the better.

Most of my favorite bands have more than one lead singer. I've mentioned my love of the band downhere more times than I care to count. They have two lead singers, who happen to be two of the greatest singers I've heard in my life.

I've been a die-hard dcTalk fan for as long as I can remember, and they had three voices going for them (the great Kevin Max being one of them, rounding out my top three favorite male vocalists, Marc and Jason of downhere having the privilege of holding the other two slots).

I've been an Audio Adrenaline fan just about as long as I've been a fan of dcTalk, and while they started out with one lead singer, before all was said and done, Tyler Burkham started sharing the lead responsibility with Mark Stuart. And while I have a lot of sentiment attached to their early music (the days when Mark was the sole lead) and for me sentiment usually wins over everything, I have to say that the stuff they made in their later years gives my sentimental feelings a run for their money. The first time I heard "Leaving 99," which is lead by Tyler, I promptly declared that it was my favorite Audio A song ever. So as great as they were in the beginning, and as much as I love Mark, I think they did improve with the extra vocals.

Family Force 5 is another example, with Soul Glow, Phatty and Crouton trading off. I love those guys. Their music is some of the most unique I've ever heard and I have so much fun listening to them.

Caedmon's Call is another good example. I'm not as familiar with all their music as I would like to be, but I know that they always have a lot of people involved and I love everything I've ever heard from them.

A few more examples are Eisley, Bodies of Water, Newsboys, PFR, Jonas Brothers. And although I don't listen to them as much anymore, I used to listen to ZOEgirl, Avalon and FFH quite a lot.

I'm also a sucker for a good choir. Which is why I'm in a choir. Even if I wasn't singing (which is unlikely to happen), I would still want to go to choir practice and just sit and listen and I'd be content. It's one of the greatest sounds I've heard in my life.

Furthermore, I always get really excited when people in the industry collaborate with each other. Everyone, including me, makes fun of stuff like "We Are the World," but if I'm to be honest, I really get into stuff like that. Makes me want gather everyone in a circle and sing "Friends." Good times.

Also, these guys don't sing, but I really get into Grits. Rap is not typically my favored genre of music, but those guys are some of the few that make me really like it.

There are clear exceptions to this rule. There are plenty of good bands who just have one lead singer. Jars of Clay and Switchfoot have been two of my longtime favorites. I also have to mention The Wedding, Mute Math, Third Day, The Elms, just to name a few. But still the majority of bands that constitue my favorite music, and most certainly my top two favorite, are bands that have multiple vocalists.

This says nothing of solo artists. Some of my most favorite music comes from solo artists, but solo artists, like the term suggests, are solo. That's a whole different story. Bands are not solo, however. They are groups of people making music together on a regular basis, and I think they're generally stronger when more than one person in that group lends their voice to the music.